HOW ARE YOU BELIEVE IN GOD, WHILE YOU NEVER SAW IT?

It buzzing my mind everytime I wanted to close my eyes. I even wondering how people have such faith to an entity that never shown Himself in front of people? How could it be real? What if it just mere of hallucinations of those wanderers.

***

Little did you know, i've been living in this world like a shit. They throw me up, they dump me up, they spat on me, and treat me like i'm just a mere of pathetic creature. I'm never complaining about that, I just ... curious. Why they did that?

Aren't we all the same?

Aren't we all in the same race?

What makes the difference?

Between you and me?

Does anybody could answer my question? Hello? Anybody? Please, answer me. But everytime I asked someone about why they did it, they said; "Ask your God." and how supposed to ask it if I didn't believe any?

Tell me, how? After all this time, all I did is by my own, I'm surviving, i'm standing on this ground, and I breathing by the help of my organs. Then, how could God take part of it?

***

Back in the day when I still young, I still had my parents back there, they went to the Church and go to Mosque every Friday. I aks my Mom about why they didn't going together, her answer always the same; "Mom and Dad doesn't have the same religion, but our God is the same." Then i'm questioning myself, 'What religions are?'.

Ah, it fucked me up since i'm a young kid, even in the school they bullied me and call me; "Yo! Kid from whore's womb." I never mad at them, their punches their kick on my gut, never ever I hate it, and never made me cry, then I start wondering; What's wrong in me? Aren't we the same? Aren't we humans?

I have no friends back there, tck, who the fuck wanted to be a friend of whore's kid? I always ate my lunch in the bathroom, hiding from the bullies because they always ask my goodies, my Mom made it every single morning when Father already gone to work.

That time, I ask myself, "When it is over?"

***

My teenager life also suck, when I still in college they called me as four eyes, yes, I do wear glasses but only to read books. Not much on my college life, it so fucking boring.

But thing start messing around when i'm about graduating, there's a person who came to me and said, "Do you wanna earn cash easily?" I was broke that time, I was nobody, I was afraid too, but I still accept that since I need much much money to survive.

He gave me a pack of greens, they told me to sell it to anyone who want it, usually they arrange a gathering on the back of college, girls, boys, even an old man with bikers shirt are there to buy the stuff I have.

I trust him easily and do what he says, I went there to meet bunch of people. He is right, I met dozens of people I sold them the good stuff, everyone bought it, even a guy told me to bring much more tomorrow and he will pay me nicely, I accept it easily.

On the next day, I met him again, just like he says, he bought it all and gave me so many money. I'm so fucking happy that time, I even can start to talk with my crush after I bought here a Gucci bag.

It so quick and I don't realize we are dating after few days talking. Business was so smooth, relationship are good, sex are the best part too, I feel like I have the world in me.

And for the first time, they are looking for Ian, my name. They are looking for me to buy new stuff that I sold to everyone, but sadly that day everything was sold. I have nothing left in my pokcet and ask them to wait until tomorrow.

The next day I'm about to grab the stuff, but the courier not showing up. I'm sweating, worrying, where the hell that person is, all I can do that time are just waiting.

Few hours waiting, I got nothing, phone is ringing, customer can wait any longer, what I should do words coming to my mind, before I could answer my own words, cops are coming.

I'm running as fast as I could, I jump off someone's yard, climbing on someone's fence, but still cops got me after shoot my ankle, i'm groaning, and can do nothing.

***

Few days after the tragedy, I got myself behind the bars, they sentenced me for couple of years because the shit I made, and that time I was nineteen, i'm already legal, no wonder why they can hold me for years or more in here.

Jail life are sucks, so fucking sucks, I hope you never went there, not much about things in jail, a monotonous life circle, doing this and that, fighting this and that, sucks.

I almost took a suicide, but my roomnate hold me for not doing that stupidity, he said I should live as new me, jail is like a cave, a big cave, in here you are meditating, finding your inner peace before you welcoming the real world after this.

***