#riptimmy

Your birthday was just a couple days ago and I couldn't get up the courage to post about it until now. I didn't know what to say, or if I even had anything left to say and I now it's been awhile since I wrote.. I spent all day in the same haze as when your accident first happened. Facebook overflowed with "Happy Birthday's" and funny stories of you and sad posts about missing you, and just people talking to you about what's been going on lately in their lives. Did you see your sister got engaged?? The whole family couldn't be happier for her and Brian. I know you loved him and he loved you too. We can't wait to have him in the family, I just wish you were here to see it. You'd make one hell of a groomsman! We just all wish you were here for Nicole with this big moment in her life.

it just made me so upset knowing that you didn't even make it to 30.. You hadn't even hit the best part of your life when it was pulled out from under you. Your mom and dad wrote the most heart wrenching things on your support page and thank god I read it when I was alone otherwise someone would've seen me balling in public.

I can only imagine how you would've spent today, not like the 27 year old you would have been, but as the 12 year old boy we all knew you were. Playing Nerf wars, and deciding what ridiculous outfit you were going to wear to dinner with Abbey that night. (the cat shirt or nah?) Today at home everyone celebrated family birthdays for Aunt Marilyn, Alaina, and Luke's birthday. How much I wish I was there with them and how much I wish you were too. We should be celebrating your birthday as well.. I probably wouldn't have gotten you a present and just said to you when you asked "my presence here IS your present" because that's just the smart ass relationship we had. You would've laughed and told me that I wasn't all that great of a present because we knew we really meant to opposite.

I hope to keep writing to you every once in awhile.. And I hope I stop crying about it all soon. With your birthday going how it did, I'm nervous for the first year marker.. Be prepared because I'll probably be a mess. I just wish I had someone here who knew everything and that could comfort me without me feeling like i'm a burden. If someone see's me upset they usually just ignore it or if they ask it's a half assed "i'm doing this because it's the right thing to do" are you ok? or what's wrong? And as soon as I say "nothing" whether it's believable or not they just stop caring and don't ask again. I just want to stop tearing up at every post or picture about you and I can't. But I'm trying my hardest.

Some friends and family got together for the idea to have a fun picnic day in honor of you. We haven't all been together since the funeral and that's no way to remember you and end it. So in a few weeks there will be games and a pavilion rented out at a park in Como for us all to gather and visit with one another in celebration of you. I have work that day but you best believe I'll make it there some how to see everyone.

So I guess the next time you'll hear from me it'll be after the park day to tell you how it was. 

I love you so incredibly much and struggle silently every day without you here. Please talk back to me. 

  I knew it had to come at some point or another; I was just not ready for it. For the absence yesterday at the table, one less name on an egg, and no one to tell the Luke and Savannah where the eggs were hidden. It all just felt very wrong... This is the first holiday without you Timmy. And it showed.

  Every one sat around at Marilyn and Rich's house talking about school, jobs, life, and all the usual ravishing family banter. But yet you could feel an under tone of uneasiness between everyone. It was obvious something was missing and no amount of small talk, family games, or food and candy could replace the empty space we all felt. It's still so new that no one knows if it's ok to bring up yet or not, so any conversation that leads to you is either turned in a new direction of conversation or quietly discussed among person to person. 

  Aunt Marilyn and Uncle Rich's house is a shrine to you, and it makes me sick to my stomach. Not out of disgust, but purely out of the fact that I had to look at all of your belongings and know that you're never going to use them again. That you wouldn't be showing up to Easter late with Abbey by your side. That you wouldn't tell the kids where the eggs were ahead of time like always. And frankly it sucks to have to keep reminding yourself of something that always seemed so sure. I felt like I was fine again and dealing with it all well until I saw your stuff, then it was all over. The wave of emotion flooded back over me, but I didn’t want to upset everyone else so I held it in. All day. Around everyone I saw. My family, my friends, Erik’s family, Erik himself, my roommate on the way home. Everyone.

  I just don’t know how I’m going to do holidays... How any of us are for that matter. Because you were all that was on my mind today. And every time I leave a family function since your accident I get a million lectures on how I need to be safe driving home and to be careful, and to call so and so when I get in. And I know it’s all because they love me, and none of them could handle if something happened again. But I just feel scared to drive all the way home. So much can go wrong and we all know that. You can feel in their hugs and see in their eyes how concerned and scared they are for me to go back. And that’s heartbreaking. They shouldn’t have to worry to death whether or not another grandchild or niece or child is going to die on the way to or from school. That’s just unfair. They all hug me as if it may be the last time they get to and that’s terrifying to realize that your family is almost mentally preparing themselves just in case it happens again. And they’ll never tell you that, but something about their good byes are different now. More meaningful, maybe truthful and scared.

  Either way. I hated driving home last night. I saw a wreck on the side of the road and it was exactly what I pictured yours to look like and it was horrific. I was coming back from a family event late at night just like you were. It just seemed all too familiar to what your last drive was like. And I had been holding in my tears all day because I’m supposed to be moving on at this point. Able to talk about it without water works. At least that’s what everyone tells me and seems to assume I’m already capable of doing. Which go figure.. I’m the most emotional person I know so I’m not there yet. I still wake up crying some mornings or late at night, or even tearing up in class or at dinner for no reason but you randomly popped into my head or someone did or said something you would’ve done. I keep myself hushed and hold it in so not to worry anyone. But that’s all it takes is one little thought to set it off.

  Of all the holidays this one is one of the most vivid childhood ones of you and I. So maybe that’s why I’ve been worse recently. I don’t know.. Maybe it's because one of my favorite memories of you comes from this holiday. Egg hunting and you telling me where they were all hidden with out the adults knowing. and every year them being shocked and amazed at how fast I gathered and found the eggs. I owed it all to you. And so this year Alaina and I did the same for Luke and Savannah, keeping the silly kid tradition going.

  So tell me Timmy, if I go out to hunt for eggs will I find you sitting in the woods with all the eggs already gathered up and that goofy smile on your face? Will I stumble upon you waiting for me to find you? Will you hug me tight and tell me it’s all going to be okay?

We all miss you Tim. Come visit me soon.