#riptide ts

His first day of his classes were only a little exhausting. He'd at least had the sense to wear something comfortable, loose clothing. It made him feel less displaced in the bustling halls of a college, unnoticeable. For once, he was quite content not being the centre of attention. Instead, he sat quietly at the back of class, bewildered how different from school it all felt. People chattered and relaxed throughout the day. Remus, nervous to admit he felt out of his depth, huddled in a corner with his notebook, sketching outlines and writing notes in one long, pictographic flow.

But overall, it wasn't a bad day. It was surprisingly uneventful, which he supposes he should be happy for.

When he recounts the day to Janus, he explains that the course content is surprisingly easy - that he might even do well, here. He'd had to let his course tutor know about his reading struggles, but as it turned out, it was a surprisingly common experience. "Apparently not being able to read right doesn't mean I won't do well," he'd chattered excitedly, flittering around the kitchen aimlessly. Janus watched him with distant amusement, sipping a cup of tea that Remus had all but abandoned in his excitable frenzy.

"I could've told you that for free."

"Oh...shut up."

Janus smiled, shaking his head as Remus finally came to a halt. He shouldn't have looked as extravagant as he did to the other man, wearing a hoodie that he's half-sure is Roman's, and a pair of black jeans. He did, though, his dark hair curling around his ears and a lively flush to his cheeks. His happiness brightened him in a way, his excitement painting a sheen over him far more beautiful than any amount of makeup could ever attest to. There was something so effortlessly alluring about him as he stared down with that smile of his.

“My smart, academic boyfriend," he uttered in the quiet, his reverence barely concealed. Remus blushed, but feigned annoyance with a roll of his eyes and a scoff.

"Don't get your hopes up."

"You can't stop me!" And this much was true. “I thought you might be a little tired when you get back, so, I figured we'd order in, my treat for your first day."

"I love you."

"Me? Or my wallet?"

"It's a package deal," his voice lifted into a teasing sing-song, spinning around excitedly on the spot. "Pizza!" His hands fluttered with the bout of emotion that ran through him, "...first day of college, and pizza!" Janus only watched with amusement, finishing off the remnants of the cup of coffee in front of him, as Remus began to dissolve into a list of all the things that made him happy. "-Did you know I fed a squirrel today? It just stood there looking at me, and I'm like-" Where had all this joy been hiding? All this excitement? Who in their right mind would have ever deprived this from him? "-but it does not go away, and I'm like here, have some granola, I guess?"

"Squirrel friend on your first day, I'm so proud of you."

"I'm thinking one day I can get all the squirrels to trust me, and raise a squirrel army if I ever have trouble."

"Smart plan."

"I know, right?"

He set about ordering pizza on the phone when Remus' chatter died down. His tiredness began to show through, slowly. The realisation that he would have to go back and do it all again tomorrow clearly started to settle in. There was a flutter of pre-emptive exhaustion at the thought, and he found himself unwilling to move from where he sat on his bed. Paralysed by an onslaught of tiredness, he stared at the fibres of the floor and wondered, distantly, if he was well enough for this.

"I ordered the pizza," Remus looked up to Janus. He hadn't even heard him come up the stairs, but he stood there with a frown as he saw the other man unmoved on the bed. "Are you okay?"

"Tired."

"Yeah, it's like that at first," Janus sat beside him, frowning. "Even I was like that when I first started working, routine changes can be difficult for anyone, the best you can do is keep at it and do what you can to make it easier."

"Anyone?"

"Yeah, I mean, I went from a good three months of not moving to a 9 to 5 job, the first month all I did was sleep when I got back." Remus sighed with some quiet relief. "It's not the difficulty, really, it's just getting used to it, bearing with the uncomfortable until it's familiar."

Remus nodded, resting his head against his partner's shoulder, before nuzzling at his neck. Janus shivered beside him, and Remus felt the way his breath caught in his throat against his own lips, where Janus' heartbeat also fluttered.

"I love you," Remus muttered.

"Pizza's on its way," Janus replied, voice suddenly hoarse and strained. The other man could do nothing other than grin, the heat of Janus' flustered response warm to the touch.

"We've got at least an hour," his hand rested on Janus' spine, where a shiver trembled through him, pressing his body into the touch without so much as a conscious thought. "That's some time to kill."

"Re-"

"Please."

"No." Remus stopped. He looked up at his lover with poorly concealed hurt, his eyebrows pulled into such a pointed frown that Janus could only assume he'd just punched him in the gut. "I'm not rejecting you, Re," he uttered, sighing, "...If we're going to do this, we're going to talk about it first."

"Talk about what?"

"About how you're feeling! About how I'm feeling! But not on a time limit and not on a whim, because I don't want that." Remus' frown deepened, trying to grasp an idea of why Janus felt the need in the first place. "I'm not comfortable doing anything that could possibly hurt you, Re, I won't do it if I think for a second it will, it's not fuckin' worth it."

"Why are you uncomfortable? I was the one that was raped." Janus flinched at the curtness.

"Because I care about you, what the fuck else do you think?"

"I should get to decide what I do!" The quick rage that seemed to fly through him was abrupt and uncontrollable. He forgot on some instinct how to curb the fire as it lit in his throat and poured out of him. At the moment, he couldn't have ascertained where it came from, why he suddenly felt helpless and furious.

"You should! But this isn't just your choice!" Whilst Janus simply felt hurt. His voice shook with a more managed anger, measured and weathered to something close to sadness; the raised voice hadn't scared him, but it did wound in one way or another. He hated to upset Remus, even more so when he felt it was a perfectly reasonable request. It would take another few minutes of back and forth and raising voices and the inevitable slam of the door as Remus - now angered beyond anything that made sense - left his own room and stormed downstairs. A few seconds for Janus to catch his breath before he would offer himself an explanation that made enough sense for him to flop back on the bed and groan dejectedly.

The silence in the house consumed them both as they waited and waited. Neither ready to face the other - for shame, or heartache, or just plain sorrow - so they remained apart, until the doorbell rang, and the pizza was there. Janus let the pizza go cold for half an hour before he swallowed his pride and returned to the other man. Remus had hardly touched the pizza, peeling sweetcorn off of the surface and dropping it into the cardboard box.

"I wasn't trying to control you," Janus muttered, "...I know, I figured...afterwards that was probably why you were so angry, I wasn't trying to control what you do with your body, and I'm not making decisions for you - but I am making them for me, Re, I couldn't live with myself knowing I hurt you." He sat down in silence and picked at the abandoned sweetcorn, eating it and wincing at the cold grease and rubbery cheese.

"I don't know why I - I just got so angry."

Janus nodded. "I think, maybe, because you don't want to feel like anyone has any input over you, and that's fine, that's normal, and that's good, but when it involves both of us..."

"Yeah," Remus nodded, "...yeah, I get you." His eyes were shining with tears. He stared down at the mangled and uneaten pizza so hard that Janus wondered if the thing might burst into flames from concentration alone. He slid closer to the other man and offered him an arm. Remus sank against his shoulder and shook with the exhaustion of his own feelings. The anger, residual from the pain he'd suffered for too long, the fear that remained ever present beyond his conscious thought, the shame of existing with all these overwhelming feelings. 

"I love you."

"I love you too."