#ripquentin

My dear beastly bestie,

Happy birthday! I can’t believe you’re not here to celebrate your 35th birthday. (I can get away with revealing your actual age now because you’re not here to smack or scold me, so tough shit). I miss you everyday. This summer was the toughest of my life and I still reach for my phone to text you or to call you. You’re the only one who knew just what to say to make me feel better or to tell me I needed to get my head outta my ass and stop being so ridiculous.

While I’m being honest, I’m kinda pissed at you. I’m angry that you’re not here. We should’ve been dissecting Emma Thompson’s portrayal of Mrs. Lovett (I think you would’ve loved her in the role). It’s also your favorite time of year, near Halloween. You’re supposed to be giving me costumes suggestions you know I’ll just ignore. This year I’m actually going to a Halloween party and I’m thinking of finally dressing up as Stritchie since she died right after you (yeah, talk about a rough July. You went, then her… I barely made it out) but I’m reluctant to shave my beard. I could go on listing all the things we should be discussing or doing but it just makes me sad and it makes me miss you more than I already do.

Thank you for sending me songs. Each time a seemingly random song pops in my head I know it’s your doing. I couldn’t listen to music for a long time; it was too difficult. You sent me songs when I was ready for them, ready to hear and handle the wave of emotions that accompanied them. I’m feeling Quentin, I’m feeling everything and I’m processing it and moving forward. I’ve let go of a lot of my fear. Oh, there’s still plenty of fear, but I’m surrendering to the universe and trying not to control everything. So much is beyond my control; your death proved that much. Worry and fear accomplish nothing.

You “opened up my eyes, taught me how to see, notice every tree, understand the light, concentrate on how” and I’ll spend the rest of my days doing everything I can to continue to wrest every bit of opportunity out of the life I’ve been given. I owe you that much. I’ll never be able to thank you for all that you’ve given me but I’ll honor your love, your life and your light by doing better everyday. You always saw more potential in me than I ever could on my own. I lost sight of everything I have to offer the world after you left, but the music you gave me and the time since your death helped me open up my eyes to see the light and step out of the darkness. I miss you every single day but I’m so grateful for everything you gave me.