I don't know if anyone will see this, but I needed to get it out.
Liam Payne's death has been heartbreaking in ways I honestly didn't think was possible. I didn't expect to have so many feelings about it, and yet here I am. Reading the letters and the autopsy report absolutely broke me.
For context, I was only maybe 9 when One Direction debuted. I only really fell in love with them when I was 11, so I didn't get to have some of the more personal experiences that older fans (like teens) may have had. I never had the pleasure of going to a concert or meet&greets. Even so, every girl has the right to choose her boy band and One Direction was what I grew up listening to in my formative years.
Liam was always my favorite. He had this bright smile and such a chill personality. After everyone split, he kind of went quiet for a while building his family and living more privately, but I always silently wished him the best, as I did all the boys. Hearing the news surfaced so many new emotions for me. Like, he has a 7 year old son that he loved dearly. That's crazy to me. He still spoke with the boys and even met with them and Simon on occasion. Reading all of their kind words about him, his son, and his career really made that evident.
Not only is it heartbreaking to lose such a wonderful human being, but the context around his death just makes it that much worse. There has been talk amongst the community of a possible reunion in the hopes that they could sing together again (Louis even touched on it in his letter). But, the timing of this tragedy has swept that dream out from under us. I keep thinking, "well, maybe they will still come together, for Liam's sake." But I just can't imagine One Direction without him. You turn on any given song, and the first voice you hear 8/10 times is Liam. He was such a key part of who they were as a band, it will never be the same.
The worst feeling to me, is that I don't feel like I can share this anywhere else but here. I can't post on my personal accounts like Facebook or snapchat because people will make fun of me. I was made fun of all my life for listening to silly little boy bands. Classmates would draw over their faces on my notebooks and tease me for my backpack.
I know I never got to meet him or see him in person. But that doesn't mean that he wasn't special to me. It would be no different if it had been Harry or Niall. I deserve the right to grieve a person that I looked up to as a child, that I admired and adored, without being scrutinized.
So, if you are reading this, please be kind. People are allowed to feel strongly about grief. Greif is different for everybody, and no one should ever feel ashamed for grieving. Show some love to the Directioners out there who are grieving silently like me.
