#ripkiki

Don’t remember what I talked last on here, I can see that no one reads it anyways. SO I guess this is more for my benefit to get it all out there and to have an out lit. 

So fuck man, a lot has happened......

I got a Kitty, two weeks ago exactly on this day. (Its Tuesday 10/3/17). I named her Kiki, after Kiki’s delivery service. (Its a must watch if you haven’t seen it and if you love Spirited Away and My Neighbor Tortoro) 

Oh my god, I fell inlove instantly. She was all I thought about when I wasn’t with her. I have to admit it wasn’t easy, after the first night I honestly wanted to give up. I was ready to sell her on Craigslist.... (yikes) BUT I didn’t. I made it through with the help of my glorious roommates. SO blessed to have them.

But anyways, she was only 7 weeks old when I got her (too early to give away btw) but the lady that gave her to me said she was 8..... (liar) oh trust me, you won’t like her by the end of my rant. 

She was beautiful.... my daughter. I gave her everything, fuck did I spoil the shit out of her though, but fuck I was in love. She did have a lot of problems though. She also costed me a HEFTY amount. Thank gosh I saved up! She had diarrhea, she had a parasite, and she pooped out blood. A plenthra of problems but I loved her so much anyways.

 In between getting her and losing her, Heffeh and I were in an okay place. So I thought. A week after getting her. Heffeh and I got together, we watched a move, we talked, we laughed, we made love.... I was an idiot. Then .. I went out with “his ex-roommates.”  Including the roommate that I fucked. I wasn’t thinking, I guess I was being selfish. I did it because, he didn’t invite me to his party, he never asked or told me. He never wanted me to come through. I even texted him that night, “hey party?” He said “not a lot of people here, not that lit.”

Does that sound enticing? Did that give my drunk ass any hint that maybe he just wanted to see me at least? NAW.

So I was trying to get everyone at Bates 8 to go to 4... He just happen to be outside and saw me come out with squad, he was pissed. Then I went upstairs to his party to talk or hangout. He literally, SHOOED me away... hand motions and all...

So fuck, that hurt. Kiki comforted me, then I went out again and hung out and I wasn’t alone. I was with people that actually wanted to hangout with me.

(End of week 1)

(Beginning of week 2)

He apologized two days later, I responded and told him why I did what I did. He told me he didn’t like how I was handling this, he’ll be a phone call away or upstairs. What does that mean? Is it over? Are we just friends now?... so then I just said alright. Left it at that. I responded a few days later saying how I get it, I was an asshole. I’m sorry. I wasn’t asking for anything. Then I asked where we are? 

(Friday) He responded with “I don’t want a relationship anymore, just with myself. I’m not cutting you off, I just can’t be responsible for you anymore.” 

The thing that pissed me off the most, I HAD TO ASK. He didn’t tell me, I didn’t know so yeah he broke up with me Friday evening.... via text. He could’ve said I’ll answer your question in person. Say it to my face. NO, actually say it at all. BUT NO, I HAD TO ASK. ME. What if I didn’t ask. Would you just be stringing me along? Thing whole time? Well fuck you too.

So Kiki again comforted me, fuck I miss her... It was like she knew exactly what was wrong and curled up right on top of my heart..

I went out, because I wanted to get drunk and be numb as fuck. I was having a great time with my friends, we went to a couple of bars and it was great. Then I felt like I just wanted to be with Kiki, I wanted to cuddle with her and hold her. So I was almost on my way out and then I get this phone call from my roomie. 

“Theres something wrong with Kiki, shes not responding. They are taking her to the hospital.” -My heart dropped...

We went to the Woburn Vet ER, found out she had parvovirus, which effected her immune system. She didn’t have an immune system. She was dying....

So I decided to put her down, she was in pain... I couldn’t make her live for my happiness. She would’ve died sooner or later so I chose now. It was the hardest decision I had to make in my entire life. But at the same time the easiest because it was the best for her. It just wasn’t the best for me because I wanted her to live for me. I watched her die in my hands... My entire soul was in pain. I’ve never cried so much for someone in my entire life. 

#RIPKIKI , my beautiful daughter.

SO that was my two weeks, Heffeh left me, Kiki left me. Now I am left with just me. And its been hard. So fucking hard... I hate going into my room because I expect to see her already there waiting for me. Expecting to see some poop on the floor because shes a weirdo and doesn’t poop in her litterbox. Fuck I miss her. 

I miss him, I went out Saturday night. Got hammered. Texted him saying how he left me alone. He broke me. My soul is in pieces. Then I asked, do you even love me? Do you even care? He answered “Of course I do, You’re a beautiful soul.”

I never replied, what am I supposed to say? Thanks? If you love me then don’t leave.... I need to let him go, this is whats best. I miss him.

I feel like I lost two soulmates in one day. My heart feels heavy, I feel like my soul is hurting so much. They don’t know who they are anymore....

What do I do now?