#ringsider

If you don't think Raw has been a chore to sit through the last, oh, two years, probably closer to five or six, if I'm being honest, then do I have news for you! Spinning off my first topic of attending WWE live and in person, the company is now offering what they refer to as the "WWE Ringsider Package," giving fans the opportunity to sit front and center at an episode of Raw for the low, low price of... $500.

That's right! Five-hundred smackers, and another one planted across your stupid face if you think this, in any way, sounds like the deal of the century. Hey, century's still young enough, after all. Besides getting your stupid, greedy face on television, what does this package guarantee you? Have a look-see:

Calling all WWE fans! Ever wanted the opportunity to be on TV while watching WWE Raw or Smackdown? Well here is your chance! Purchase the WWE Ringsider Package which includes:

WWE Ringsider Package Premium Ringside Seat in the first 3 rows across from our cameras Exclusive limited edition Souvenir Chair Matted Autographed Superstar Photo Souvenir Ticket Plaque Ringsider Draw String Bag

Yeah, buddy, you now get to keep your seat! What better way to commemorate watching 20-minute opening promo segments and matches you've seen a dozen times, all ending in fuck finishes, than with a souvenir chair? Aha, an "exlusive" "limited edition" souvenir chair. That's, what, three separate modifiers WWE is using to try and make that hunk of tin seem more valuable than it is? As an owner of not one but two exclusive limited edition souvenir chairs, let me spoil it for you: It's just a goddamn chair. It'll say "WWE Raw" on it and within days, perhaps hours, you'll be wishing you had sold the thing to the first jamoke in the concourse offering you 20 bucks for it.

You also get a matted autograph Superstar photo, though you don't get to meet that Superstar, which kind of eliminates the point of having that person's autograph. Maybe it's just me but isn't the point of an autograph that you got to spend a little time with the person of interest, say hi to them, shake their hand, possibly get a photograph with them, before they sign whatever you like? Buying something that's pre-signed holds no special meaning because, essentially, you're paying money for somebody else to experience what you should be experiencing. That person not only gets to keep your money but they get to meet the Superstar and ask them how delicious was their lunchtime greenbean casserole. What a gyp!

"Souvenir ticket plaque" is the lamest thing ever because let's be honest: It's just a lousy ticket stub somebody wasted the time and materials to frame, and all it indicates was "I was here at this place, at this time. Hooray!" You are commemorating what, pray tell? That you went out of your way to see a three-hour taping of a company that has by far the worst wrestling product on the market right now? And it's Raw, to boot; the worst product of the worst wrestling product. Even SmackDown has been more entertaining and better-written than Raw has lately. This isn't a pay-per-view, where you get solid, lengthy, feud-ending matchups, and this isn't a house show, where you see storylines tested the first time and, well, lengthy matches. This is Raw. Full of promos and irrelevant celebrities and social media plugs and all that other nonsense. Do you really want something hanging on your wall/in your trash can that asks, "Hey, remember that time...?" No. You don't.

Oh, shit, I almost for the drawstring bag. Lest I forget the drawstring bag, probably the cream of this here crop of tacky, nonsensical loot the company is offering to make their "deal" seem like any sort of deal whatsoever. Consider that at WrestleMania Axxess you get to meet a top-level Superstar, get a photo with them and get their autograph, as well as get a collector's book of some kind -- as was the case when I met Undertaker at WrestleMania XXX last year -- plus, you have full access to the convention, how much would you expect that to cost, comparative to this Ringsider thing? If you answered "300 dollar less," you are correct! Well, you don't get that super exclusive souvenir chair to struggle to take home with you (trust me on that one), but it's a heck of a better a deal than what's being offered to check out an episode of 2015 Raw.

There have already been people paying this price. These seats used to go for $120 or so, which is completely reasonable, but now folks are dropping down $500, and for what? A bunch of cheap loot that doesn't even make up the outrageous cost of the ticket? Yes. The answer, as always, is yes. WWE fans have shown they have no problem being the lowest of the lowest common denominator of entertainment fans, so given the choice of buying a $20 seat in the upper deck, and procuring the other items on the list for another $80 or so, forgoing only the "opportunity" to have their dumb idiot faces on television all night, or paying five times that, guess what they chose? Guess what these geniuses who help make up the fanbase fine, reasonable people like you and me, chose? That's right.

If I had the kind of coin to blow on something like this, say, if I was getting with a Foley kid or if I was making a million dollars working at the Whole Foods, I too would take WWE up on this fantastic-sounding offer. I would. But, unfortunately, I don't make up the one percent of wrestling fans who can attend every PPV front and center, who can make every WrestleMania and appear in all the promo videos, or, now, who can sit camera side at Raw and get a sweet-ass drawstring bag at the same time, and all for cost. Rich wrestling fans, that's always seemed strange to me, as a general concept. Maybe it's because wrestling is so far associated with being a poor man's interest, where the overwhelming majority of the performers work for gas money (if they're compensated at all) and grapple in bingo halls and high school gymnasiums. I don't know, just seems weird to me.