#rileymaya

"Maya." She's looking at me with her eyes all wide open like she could start crying at any second. 

"Riles, honey, what's up?" Putting down my pencil, I walk over to where she's sitting against the wall and sit next to her. 

"You're gonna think it's stupid." She turns her head away to stare at the collage I made for our dorm room. A small smile tempts the right side of her lips, but her eyes are still sad. 

Putting my hand under her chin, I turn her head and wait until she's looking right at me. "I could never think you're stupid. Never." 

 She sighs. "It's just- why doesn't anyone like me? Why doesn't HE like me?" I know who she's talking about, of course. She talks about him endlessly and I try not to mind. 'He' is Joe. He sits next to her sometimes in her psychology classes, and I've only ever seen him from afar. 

 "Oh Riles. He'd be stupid not to. Anyone would be stupid not to." 

Her lips start to tremble and I wish for it to stop. It might not be big to some people, and I know it's fine to be sad sometimes, but seeing her like this makes me want to hurt whoever hurt her. 

"He's all tall and handsome and his eyes always glisten but I don't think it's for me. Maya, why am I like this? Why do I always like people who don't like me back? I study psychology but I can't figure out my own brain." 

"I like you, Riles. And you like me. And as for the rest of it. Gosh Riles, you're tall and you're beautiful and your eyes glisten when the sun is setting. It's like you're watching the world come alive and you start to shine. So anyone who doesn't want you is stupid. There's no doubt about it." 

 She shakes her head like I'm lying. "It's not the same, Maya. You like me and I like you but that's different." 

 And that leaves me breathless. I don't know what to say. I can hardly move. I turn my head, stare at my bed, wishing I could get up and start drawing again. And not have to feel anything. At least, not for her. 

It would be so much easier if I could like guys, too. Or if I didn't... like her. 

 I'm weighing it up in my mind. What to do or say or think or feel. If there's ever gonna be a way to get rid of it. 

 "Maya?" 

 I jump. "What if it wasn't?" 

 "Huh?" Too long has passed and she's forgotten what we were even talking about and now I'm going to mess everything up and- 

"What if it wasn't different? The way- the way I like you. Does it have to be different?" 

And now she's speechless. "Maya- I-" 

"It's fine, Riley. Forget about it. I, I shouldn't have said anything, okay?" I tried to tell her I didn't mean it but how could I tell her that? 

"Maya." 

"Riley, don't. I'm fine and you're fine and we're fine. Just leave this one, okay? You don't need to study my mind." Okay, maybe it's harsh but I thought - god I'm so stupid - that maybe she might feel the same way. I know she talks about guys a lot but maybe, just maybe, she could like girls, too? Like me, too.

"Maya." Her fingers are under my chin and she's doing what she always does to get my attention - pulling my face closer to hers like she could (but of course she wouldn't) kiss me. "I love you. And I like you. And I'm not studying you. I'm not studying me. None of this is a psychology experiment, okay?" 

 Deep breath. "Okay." 

 "Peaches?" 

I hope she can't hear my heart and all the beats it's skipping. "Yeah?" 

"I really wanna kiss you right now." 

Deep deep breath. "Okay." 

"Can I?" 

"Yeah." 

Ohgodohgodohgod. 

Her hand is still on my chin and her lips are getting closer to mine, so close I could touch them, feel them, taste them. 

And we're together. She tastes like bubblegum and it doesn't surprise me - it feels normal. To kiss her. To taste bubblegum against my lips. And my hands are reaching up and running through her hair. Her soft, satin curls. 

I know, somehow, that we're getting closer and closer. Her legs intertwine with mine against the hard wood floor and her body is pushing closer and closer and I'm not thinking about anything - not work or university or life - but her lips against mine. 

And when she pulls away she doesn't pull away. Not really. She keeps her hands in my hair (God knows when they got there), and my left hand drifts to her waist, my right to her cheek, and her lips. 

"Riles." 

"Yeah?" 

"What are we doing?" 

"I don't know, Maya." And now she's taking a shaky breath before gently kissing my neck. "But we can figure that part out later." 

‘What if I just-‘ No Maya. Stop thinking like that. Just stop thinking at all.

“You okay, Peaches?” And there she is again. And dammit, she looks like an angel, standing there, calling me ‘peaches’ just like any other day. Why doesn’t this feel like any other day? Why does it feel like I’m going to do something really silly?

“Yeah.” I think if I tried to say anything else I’d choke on my words.

“Maya. Look at me.” She reaches out and tilts my chin upward. I can’t pretend to be staring into the distance anymore. Looks like I’m pretty much doomed. “I know you. And something’s wrong.” She pouts her lips a little (and I shouldn’t even be noticing that), and her eyes widen.

“You know me.” The words spill from my lips slowly. Almost like a question. Maybe a realisation.

Does she know? She can’t know. There’s no way. I’ve never said anything. I don’t think I’ve even hinted at it.

But- Farkle. Oh, I am gonna kill him. If that boy told her- if he even hinted at anything in the slightest. I never even confirmed anything when he asked me, just pretended I’d been distracted by the nearing ice-cream van. I didn’t even want the ice-cream.

“Peaches, you’re gone again. What’s going on?” And there she goes again, grabbing my chin and making me look into her eyes. Those eyes. They’re killing me. “Of course I know you. What aren’t you telling me?”

‘Brave face, Maya, brave face.’ I lift up my head and look her in the eyes and- deep breath- “Nothing, mi amor. All good here.”

“Maya…” Her brows scrunch up and her bottom lip begins to tremble.

“Don’t cry, Riles. Please don’t cry. Everything’s fine. Everything’s… peachy.” I smile all wide, probably too over the top.

That’s when the tears spill. “I know you, Maya, I know you.” Oh God, and her voice, the way she chokes on her tears and her words split. “Why don’t I know this? Why can’t I figure this out?”

“Riles. Look at me.” And now it’s my turn to tilt her head towards me. I’m all caught up in her, I swear. ‘Don’t do something silly, Maya Hart, don’t you dare.’ “I’m still here. I’m still me. I’m still okay.” Better and worse than I think I’ve ever been. “You don’t need to cry over me, Riles. I’m okay. I’m fine. I’m right here.”

And then my arms are around her, holding her in place as her body starts to shake.

“What’s happening, Maya? What’s going on?” Heart-wrenching sobs leave her shaking in my arms. I want to hold her here forever, but I don’t want to have to. I don’t want her to cry just so I can feel her. I need her to be okay, even if I’m not with her like that.

Because I’m never going to be with her like that. The realisation almost makes me cry. Almost. I don’t think I’d ever thought about is so much. But it won’t happen. She’s straight. And I should just stop thinking about it.

“Maya.” She’s pulling herself out of my arms. I didn’t realise I was holding on so tightly. “Peaches. What’s wrong?” Her tears have subsided for the most part.

“I told you. I’m fine.” I can see she’s about to start crying again. “Okay! Okay, just, please don’t cry. I can’t stand to see you crying, Riles.”

“Okay.” She’s putting on her own brave face now. It’s the face she wears just before an exam starts, or before knocking on the door to a party, or before-

I’m gonna say it. I’ll do it. She’ll know and this will all be over. “I-“ -before asking a guy out on a date. “I’m so sorry, Riles. I wish I could tell you. I just need some time. I need some time to figure this out before I say anything. Please.”

She’s nodding, slow and shaky. A tear leaves her eye and she brings her hand up to wipe it away, clearly not wanting to make me feel bad. But she can’t stop them. Once they start, they just keep on flowing, streams of tears running down her face, her nose, her lips.

It’s not until my lips touch her cheek that I start to get a grasp on what I’m doing. On the mistake I’m making. I’m ruining everything but I can’t help it. My lips are leaving kisses all over her cheek, down and down and down and — ohmyGodMayawhatareyoudoing — her lips.

“Riley?”

“Yeah.” She’s even more breathless than I am.

“Can I kiss you?”

She swallows, and it’s scary and loud and right next to me. “Yeah, you can.”

Her lips. My lips. Together.

They’re soft and taste like cherry lip balm. My eyelashes tickle her cheeks and she laughs a small and timid laugh that isn’t anything like her usual. And her lips open. And I’m stuck.

I pull away. We’re at a stand still. Staring at each other like we’re begging the other to do something — to know what to do.

“Riley.” Deep breath. I can’t speak.

“Maya.” Deep breath. She doesn’t answer.