#rigidness

before i stumbled upon this i was completing a commitment i made in my mind. i was overwhelmed over reaching out to someone who has recently entered my life and its brought up a lot of insecurities i’ve been held over my head the past 3, 5, 7, 10 years. insecurities its taken me months to get to the root of and thought i have made so much progress on my journey to becoming the woman i have always envisioned myself being, simply reaching out to others when i am seeking a connection still fees like a step i haven’t fully conquered.

and then i reminded myself: progress doesn't have to be linear. yes, often times it looks as such, but when we scratch the surface we see that there were a lot of underlying contemplations. choices we had to make to get to the next step, maybe even the next day. but we’ve all be confronted on if we want to conform to past of if we want to follow our ambitions of the future. and often, this can be overwhelming. to commit to the past or to the future. it seems like this one decision will be the primer for whats to come.

i don’t commit to anybody, except who i am in the present moment. not the ambitions of my past. not to the pressure of the future. me. in the now. is this something i want to do? is this something i feel like doing? if i act on this will it be with genuine intentions or am i trying to force it out?

over the past few month i’ve been battling with myself internally: to adhere to this standard (either set my my past mentality for future ambitions) or to take the present moment for what it is. oftentimes i feel like i am not enough “to be...” but right after i remind myself that i am enough. i dont have to be so rigid with myself.