#revoltist

ive also noticed a pattern of myself reverting to my old ways from 2 years ago to feel closer to her subconsciously.

why does my brain allow myself to act harshly towards myself and keep toxic ppl around for the sake of "feeling close to megan" when it wobt physically let me remember SHIT about how she actually was.

ive repressed everything so deeply that im not sure how to reach the parts of my memory that has vivid clear images of her face, or her laugh, or her voice or any conversations we had together. i feel like fucking garbage all the time because i cant live a life that she'd be proud of. i cant visit her in memories and i hardly dream of her anymore. if i was the one that died, she'd be 3/4ths done with college, she'd make sure to think of me constantly (not that she'd be able to control it much, her mind did work in compulsive ways) but she had everything lined up for her. i have nothing. i shouldve been the one that died and nothing has felt real since. she got accepted into an actual university and had connections to get her modeling and acting career on the way, her aunt worked for mtv. i have no real talents and i have to live every day of my life avoiding anyone from my high school because an insane amount of ppl blame me for her death. my best friend in the whole world. i feel like im only destined to be another headline for youth suicide while ppl try to scrape together why teens and young adults want to kill themselves so badly. if anything ill be an example for some middle school presentation on how to call the suicide hotline if you're ever feeling down.

im not meant to be here.