No One Owes You Anything.
Harry Browneâs letter to his daughter:
Itâs Christmas and I have the usual problem of deciding what to give you. I know you might enjoy many things â books, games, clothes.
But Iâm very selfish. I want to give you something that will stay with you for more than a few months or years. I want to give you a gift that might remind you of me every Christmas.
If I could give you just one thing, Iâd want it to be a simple truth that took me many years to learn. If you learn it now, it may enrich your life in hundreds of ways. And it may prevent you from facing many problems that have hurt people who have never learned it.
The truth is simply this:Â No one owes you anything.
How could such a simple statement be important? It may not seem so, but understanding it can bless your entire life.
No one owes you anything.
It means that no one else is living for you, my child. Because no one is you. Each person is living for himself; his own happiness is all he can ever personally feel.
When you realize that no one owes you happiness or anything else, youâll be freed from expecting what isnât likely to be.
It means no one has to love you. If someone loves you, itâs because thereâs something special about you that gives him happiness. Find out what that something special is and try to make it stronger in you, so that youâll be loved even more.
When people do things for you, itâs because they want to â because you, in some way, give them something meaningful that makes them want to please you, not because anyone owes you anything.
No one has to like you. If your friends want to be with you, itâs not out of duty. Find out what makes others happy so theyâll want to be near you.
No one has to respect you. Some people may even be unkind to you. But once you realize that people donât have to be good to you, and may not be good to you, youâll learn to avoid those who would harm you. For you donât owe them anything either.
No one owes you anything.
You owe it to yourself to be the best person possible. Because if you are, others will want to be with you, want to provide you with the things you want in exchange for what youâre giving to them.
Some people will choose not to be with you for reasons that have nothing to do with you. When that happens, look elsewhere for the relationships you want. Donât make someone elseâs problem your problem.
Once you learn that you must earn the love and respect of others, youâll never expect the impossible and you wonât be disappointed. Others donât have to share their property with you, nor their feelings or thoughts.
If they do, itâs because youâve earned these things. And you have every reason to be proud of the love you receive, your friendsâ respect, the property youâve earned. But donât ever take them for granted. If you do, you could lose them. Theyâre not yours by right; you must always earn them.
A great burden was lifted from my shoulders the day I realized that no one owes me anything. For so long as Iâd thought there were things I was entitled to, Iâd been wearing myself out âphysically and emotionally â trying to collect them.
No one owes me moral conduct, respect, friendship, love, courtesy, or intelligence. And once I recognized that, all my relationships became far more satisfying. Iâve focused on being with people who want to do the things I want them to do.
That understanding has served me well with friends, business associates, lovers, sales prospects, and strangers. It constantly reminds me that I can get what I want only if I can enter the other personâs world. I must try to understand how he thinks, what he believes to be important, what he wants. Only then can I appeal to someone in ways that will bring me what I want.
And only then can I tell whether I really want to be involved with someone. And I can save the important relationships for those with whom I have the most in common.
Itâs not easy to sum up in a few words what has taken me years to learn. But maybe if you re-read this gift each Christmas, the meaning will become a little clearer every year.
I hope so, for I want more than anything else for you to understand this simple truth that can set you free:
No one owes you anything.