#resolutionsforlife

It's 2015. Whole lotta people on that "new year, new me" hype and I'm just like.... 1) there are too many stats that show just how many and how quickly people fall short of their resolutions, and 2) isn't that exhausting? To be a new person every single year? Wouldn't you want to be a new person for the rest of your life only have to make tweaks here and there? Maybe not, but I know for me, the last few years have been, overall, less than savory. And 2014 was shit. I mean, there were some really fantastic bombass "OMG this is my real life" moments. But they were few and far between when it came to my every day suckiness. Now, I could honestly say worth a straight face that it was this, that, or the other thing but it wasn't. It really wasn't. 2014 was the year I realized that I wasn't in control of my life or my time the way I needed and/or wanted to be. And everything was falling short because of that. I can't live like that. Literally. I can't do that anymore. I shouldn't have the privilege of life if I'm not even going to own it. And so for me, this year is the start of my life-long process of "get it right, get it right". For me that phrase is all encompassing. Starting with my faith, theology/religious studies courses have made me a bit of a snob when it comes to what people think they can tell me about my religion, but in that process the discipline of my faith has taken a toll. I needs Jesus. No for real, it's a need. I need congregation and communion. I need a reopened line of communication. It's crazy that I'm someone who will find so much comfort in a church and yet never go there on Sunday's. Gotta cut that out. I need to show up and show out for God. Yes, for God. Not anybody else or for any other reason. Now people can say whatever they want about faith and Christianity, a lot of it I would probably agree with, but there is so much that I have survived because of my faith that I have to be thankful for it and hopefully show people that all Christians aren't hateful people spitting the Bible at others but we can be hella chill and you know LOVE. I also gotta "get it right, get it right" in terms of my social life. I get invited to SO MANY THINGS by SO MANY AWESOME PEOPLE and I NEVER SHOW UP! I have bought tickets, made reservations, coordinated pickups, etc and still just NOT BEEN THERE. And yeah, I had my reasons, but at the end of the day, it was cuz I SUCK and wasn't taking the control I needed to go ahead and live my life. But also I am EXTREMELY SCARED of being around people, so afraid of being left alone at a party or meeting new people or just you know scared to death that I'm not an interesting person. Plus I have this horrible nervous thing where I start talking about me rather than talking about other people and it's not because I'm self-centered it's cuz I'm like "look I do cool stuff I'm not a spaz LIKE ME". Sigh. But then I have to realize that somehow I got friends. People like something about me. And they wouldn't invite me if they didn't want to be around me or think I'd be interested. Plus NOW I'm making these people think that I'm "that" suckass person that is flaky as hell for no reason and that's not cool. Gotta fix that. Gotta meet people and see in myself what other people miraculously see. Health. Well duh. I want to be healthy. My weight is a major source of low self-esteem and not wanting to be around people. So for myself I wanna handle that. But also, so much crap (diabetes, heart attack, Alzheimer's, CHF...) runs in my family and I'm not trying to go out like that. Plus, my migraines are better the more active I am and the better I eat and more than my weight my migraines really cause me to withdraw from people. Bleh. No more. Also, I need to "get it right, get it right" with myself in terms of my sexual assault. Yes. I was assaulted. Yes. It was someone I knew. Yes. It was utterly and completely devastating and affected so many parts of my life that I'm trying to put back together. Yes. I am still pissed as ALL HELL and have dreamt many a dream about torturing and murdering my assaulter (being real honest). But I'm never going to do the latter. This person still DJs in my area. I will get invited to things he DJs and already have. I will NEVER get an apology. And if I wait until this guy dies to find peace I might as well die too. Swerve. He was a piece of shit human being for doing that. But O REFUSE to let him have any more control over me, my life, and what I do with it! FUCK HIM (and those like him). I worked too hard before and have had to work twice as hard after him just to let even the thought of him bring me down. Chains broken. Who was he again? FDB. Lastly, but most importantly, my creativity. I've gotten mad lazy with my craft(S) and many of the above noted have been a part of that, but I can't do that anymore. It's a slap in the face to God and a waste of my life to let my creativity suffer anymore. Not. Gonna. Happen. Breaking the chains of sloth and unleashing myself into the world. "Get it right, get it tight" is about getting happy with yourself and everything in relation to you, that's what im doing (you should too). And yes, there will be bad days, days where laziness makes more sense, or someone said something wack, the day may come when I'm in the same room with my assaulter, but by then I will already have myself to skip over that road bump and keep it moving. Here's to changing life for the better!!!!