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Cryptics Remain Unsolved No puzzle on the hallowed sward as 2014 starts like every other season has

Cryptics 270-6 (4pm) (Tom Chappell 93, Hake 2-55, Buckland 2-73, Scott: pinned his old teacher LBW) Barnes 236-8 (7.15pm) (Jessani 74, Bell 40, Ward turning down singles, Fourie 3-54)

Honourable draw

by Marcus Hake

Oh yes, so that’s what the cricket season is all about. Incredible to think that a single early season outing, which in some clubs might be considered the first uneasy steps toward toddlerhood, at Barnes can paint a picture of the season to come so completely and irrefutably. Sure enough, by the end of the day I was considering retirement, not for the first time in my career and almost certainly not for the last in 2014.

We all turned up for the anticipated 12.30 start, Barnes cricketers being obedient and punctual if nothing else (if we gloss over the two late dropouts). Rumours begin to circulate around 12.35, when all we’ve got in the opposition corner is an all-rounder who overestimated the congestion on the A316 and the displaced, not to mention confused, umpire for a totally different game, which I expect never happened and was never going to. These rumours suggested, firstly, that the oppo had been informed of a 1pm start. Of course: the old Barnes trick: never let them settle, never let them feel like they’re in. It works every time. It certainly worked this time, because the majority didn’t turn up until about 10 to 1, and we got the start time they had been told to expect. That’ll teach ‘em.

The rumour mill (proprietor: William Buckland of Barnes CC, although kitted out tantalisingly in a Cryptics shirt) continued apace. We are apparently the ‘worst’ side on their fixture list, comprising as it does of MCC, Cambridge University (Oxford, too, but I’m just picking out the quality sides), I Zingari, Chennai Super Kings and Australia, so it was lucky we had some quality in our numbers: Dhruv appeared behind the stumps, as is his wont; the axis of this year’s 2s (Redman and Buckland) came out for a run; and Phil Marshall made his Lonsdale Road debut. When Badman baled late in the day, skipper Ward showed off his impressive contact list and produced Salim Jessani from his metaphorical hat with a flourish I considered possibly a touch ostentatious and certainly dangerously previous. By the end of the day, while drinking hungrily of Salim’s jug, I had come around a few degrees to his way of thinking. Still, I was very sunburnt by then and not necessarily a sound witness.

Anything happen in the game? You bet. Their umpire was the sort of ‘outer’ who makes The Colonel look like Nick Stevenson (from a very great distance, I must add), but he only made his mark much later. The early action mostly revolved around decent spells from Buckland and Redman, with the three opening batsmen (Vikram, Tom and no-balls) all getting their seasons off to a solid yet unspectacular start.

Then, of course, it all kicked off. You knew it would. My advice: if you’re going to sport the red cap of hubris, don’t do anything daft. Pointless advice, of course, as the mere donning of the cap makes it impossible not to. Enter Simon Bell, lordly champion of the 2013 Geese batting line-up (and, to be fair to him, a pretty impressive member of ours later in the day, too) and owner of said headgear, lurking at square leg. Enter, also, Luke Redman, snarling and over-evolved from the top end. Add to the mix a flick off the pads at a comfortable height, arrowed toward a pair of waiting hands under a red cap (it’s Simon!). You can guess the rest. It only cost us 82 runs, as the opener went on to score 93 before I bowled him.

It wasn’t the only dropped catch, but it’s the only one I’m going to mention. To be honest, we did OK, considering they were good, the squash court boundary was extremely short and we bowled an extra couple of overs at them thanks to all the no-balls. But we stuck at it manfully. Salim bowled an excellent spell and should have had a couple of wickets in his first over as the unprepared batsmen flailed at his in-duckers. That he later made the first breakthrough was entirely appropriate, although it did bring Ed Clarke to the wicket, and with it some expected acceleration. Off the mark with a 6, he reached 50 from just 43 and set the tone for the remainder of the innings. Alex Scott and Maxim did their bit, and the Dog took some punishment amongst the wicket flurry, but like a man. Did Wardy bowl? I don’t think he did – he’s a specialist captain now, coming in at number 8. Dhruv kept nicely.

He also batted nicely. He and Will Robbins set off in pursuit of the 271 for victory in what turned out to be 47 overs (but could always have been less if we had been getting too close, I suppose) with no immediate hurry. They knew about Lonsdale Road and its naturally fast-scoring reputation, and they set out to prove that reputation wrong. In their defence, the bowling was solid, even though Cryptics’ 16-year-old wunderkind, Jason Fourie, came steaming in and promised a sight more pain than he delivered. He seemed to be holding himself back. His later spell appeared a bit more purposeful and targeted, but maybe that’s because I was facing it and not umpiring.

Dhruv was triggered, and Alex came in to up the rate. Will’s total finally overtook the overs count, and then he got out. Phil got a good one from the leftie, and Scotty eventually suffered at the same hand (finger?) from the same umpire who had earlier made his day by giving his old teacher out (outrageously) to his bowling. This time the roles were reversed, as was his reaction.

Simon Bell and Salim Jessani showed everyone how to do it for a while. Salim’s three consecutive fours off a returning Fourie made Barnes firm favourites, quite apart from being fabulous to watch. But you know how it always goes. Simon had already perished to the first ball of the spell, and wickets fell regularly. A quick straw poll in the bar showed that Will Buckland was indeed out (not a bump ball), although, on the plus side, his argument for Jos Buttler’s immediate promotion to the test side was upheld. I called Paul Downton immediately. The less said about Wardy’s turning down of late singles, as the draw mentality listlessly sunk in, to protect the Dog from the scary medium-pacers, the better.

Man of the Match