Scars: Year six, Chapter two
Remus Lupin x Reader
Warnings: In death descriptions of sadness, brief mention of suicide, tom-foolery, mentioning of an eating disorder, mild swearing
Word Count: 2030
It only hurts while you're piercing through the skin, but after that the pain is almost nonexistent.
Pain, pain to him was like the cold, at first it stings and burns and Godric, it hurts like hell when you're drowning in it but after a bit, it calms down and makes you feel numb. Pain to him was like the cold, yes, what an excellent way to put it.
Although he didn't believe that this was a good idea at first, he was catching on quite quickly.
James had woken the four of them up at the crack of dawn (he hadn't woken Y/n up, she'd merely been in the common room when they'd decided to go) while everyone else was sleeping so they could get a taste of the fresh air. But his idea of 'tasting the fresh air' had nothing to do with getting out and basking in the cool mid-morning, spring breeze, it had something to do with jumping half naked into the lake at 7:00 in the morning.
It was bloody freezing.
Oh he loved it. __________________________________
Sirius was shaking his head off like a dog, spraying them all in water, when they were confronted by Professor McGonagall in the hall.
Her talking to had nearly frightened Remus half to death, although he hadn't a clue why.
She wasn't all too upset with them, the fact that Remus was shirtless and was smiling like a little lad on his birthday with all his scars on display was no doubt part of the reason why they weren't in all too much trouble. That, and the fact that they all were positively bursting with laughter likely had something to do with it.
Stern looks and a mild warning we're probably the only thing they'd gotten. It wasn't much of a talking to.
Remus didn't know why he was so affected, they'd been let off of a nonexistent hook and had gotten to keep the plate of cookies they'd taken from the kitchen. __________________________________
People always think that when you say 'I'm in pain' you mean something physical, which of course you could mean something physical, but pain is something more than just physical aches and wounds. Pain is something exquisite, pain is something you should never cherish, although he always seemed to.
To be honest, pain is like a- what was the word- a ghost, pain was like a ghost in many ways, definitely more ways than one; pain could simply be phantom, pain could be like a hacked limb and it could ache and ache and absolutely ache for months on end, but the worst pain of all, Remus found, was the type of pain that you don't notice at first, that was like a faraway echo, that was like a caress to the skin.
The worst pain of all is the pain that's always been there, because you get used to it and you're adjusted to the unbearable throbbing and the pounding of the pain against your skin and your heart and you don't even notice that it's there until it's been ripped away and it feels like you're an empty husk drifting in the night.
That type of pain, he found, was the worst and absolute best all in one. Because when some other unforseeable factor ripped it away from him, it always came back, always made him feel full again, always became unbearable and untreatable and simply maddening.
That type of pain was like a ghost.
But it was like a friendly ghost in his mind. __________________________________
Remus had never attempted to take his life before, it scared him it did, but sitting there on the hospital bed with Y/n in front of him was really making him consider it.
Although he didn't think it would feel very nice; death was messy and it stained and was not very easy to clean up, neither emotionally nor physically.
" Remus, are you okay?"
Her words jostled him from his thoughts, his head snapping up.
Never in his life had he wanted a hug like he did then, he wanted a big, squishy teddy bear hug that lasted forever and ever and never ended.
He didn't know how long he sat there staring at the floor, but then again, he also didn't know how long it had been since he crashed his face into her shoulder and snuggled up against her.
He didn't know how long they sat that way, he didn't feel as much of an idiot in those moments, or minutes, or hours, he didn't feel much of anything then.
He only felt squishy, and light and happy and carefree- and mild discomfort from his still-healing wounds.
Remus felt everything at first, he felt everything from the hesitant press of her hands against his back to the dull pain coursing through him, but he started to not feel everything after a little while. He didn't feel the sharpness of her collarbone anymore- although he should have, it just stopped becoming so loud in his mind, most everything quieted down in his head after that-, he stopped hearing so much, his brain started to slow, his heart started to too. His panic faded and gave way to relief, to comfort, to safety, to refuge.
His head became quiet a little while after that, all the way quiet, all he heard- whether in his mind or physically- was the steady beating of her heart, and the quiet hum of her voice drifting through the air. He felt her fingers going through his hair, his head still hurt after the transformation but, Godric, her fingers made it all ache a little less.
He closed his eyes and let out a sigh, a heavy-hearted sigh but a sigh nonetheless.
Remus felt calm.
And then he was asleep.
And he wasn't woken by nightmares for once. __________________________________
Ugh, infections were the worst.
She knew she shouldn't have gone with them into the lake, it was cold and full of bacteria and a lake full of other stupid medically bad things.
Dammit she'd known.
But Godric did it ever feel so good to be in that lake hanging out with them again, doing something ever so stupid and foolhardy. __________________________________
Adventures were something he'd always loved, whether it was daytime or night, if ever in doubt about his location you could simply imagine you're going on an adventure. You would find him eventually.
They were something she loved as well, had always loved, Y/n absolutely loved going on adventures.
For the both of them, adventures were something freeing, something that made them feel lighter inside. __________________________________
Remus still didn't know why he was bothered by the whole situation with Professor McGonagall, it was something brief and small and it most definitely wasn't supposed to be worrisome.
She had even let them off with the cookie tray too.
Those cookies, he thought, were the best things he'd ever tasted. Aside from chocolate, that was.
Remus thought to get more, and that was how he'd winded up in the current situation.
He felt so sick, Godric he could've puked then and there.
Remus had overeaten.
Overeating was something he had been doing a lot of recently. If he didn't brush his teeth and shower enough he would be walking around the school reeking of vomit.
The smell of vomit was a smell he could never get used to, it stank.
No, it fucking reeked. __________________________________
Those cookies tasted so lovely, she just had to have more.
She didn't know why, but they tasted so much like the cookies her mother used to bake before she- before she died.
She shuddered, and then continued walking. __________________________________
What was the password again?
She knew it was the kitchen door that she was standing by, she just couldn't quite remember the code to get in.
It took her a few minutes of pacing for her to remember, you were supposed to tickle the pear. __________________________________
Godric fucking gryffindor he felt like shit. Absolute shit.
He didn't know why he went and did that, Godric he shouldn't have done that.
Cookies were so not worth this. __________________________________
What are you left to, besides yourself, when people stop talking? When the noise quiets down?
You're left to a lot of things actually, you're left to your own thoughts, you're left to everything around you; you're left to absolutely nothing and absolutely everything all in one.
All you're left with really, is silence. __________________________________
Y/n found Remus crouched over a toilet in the boys lavatory clutching the bowl, his knuckles white, hurling his guts out.
She'd went in and grabbed her three cookies before she turned around and started back for the common room. It was when she'd walked past the lavatories that she'd heard him. The sound was faint from the hall but Godric, it was really fucking loud after she had stepped in.
Although the sound of his hurling was loud, it couldn't cover the sound of her heart shattering at the sight of him, leaning back against the stall wall for a moment, wiping his mouth.
The sight of him there broke her heart, what broke it even worse was the fact that he went and pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes afterwards, because mere moments later he started to cry.
It wasn't a loud, sobbing, emotional type of cry. No, it was a silent one, one that would shake you and shake you and make your lungs over-work. It was the kind of cry that absolutely tore someone apart piece by piece.
After a few long moments a high pitched whine escaped him and his chest deflated and then his arms were over his head and his elbows were locked above his face like he was cowering, as she used to, and his chest was rising and falling so rapidly, she just couldn't help but let out a sob.
She almost dropped to her knees right then and there, but it wasn't until he looked up at her, his eyes puffy and red, tears streaming down his cheeks, that she actually dropped.
Her hands were covering her mouth, like his did not too long ago in the Potter house, and she was rocking forward, her chest was touching her knees and Remus was looking at her like he just wanted to cry even more.
He was crying but his hand was going through his hair and he looked so mentally confronted.
Her arms were reaching out and her hands were motioning for him to come over, she needed him.
Merlins Beard, she needed him then, she just needed him to be in her arms.
The tears dripping down her face were slow and hot and the fact that she was crying was ultimately why he rushed across the floor for her open arms.
Remus crashed into her and she was rocking back and he was just burying himself anywhere he could, his hands were bunched up in her cloak and his head was buried in the crook of her neck and she was grasping his legs and pulling them into her lap.
" I smell like vomit."
His words were muffled and contorted from his now violently verbal sobs but she heard him loud and clear.
" I don't give two shits."
Her voice was cracking and the amount of emotion poured into her words made him sob even more. But her fingers were in his hair and her hand was wrapped around his cheek while the crook of her arm was hooked around his neck; her other arm kept on grasping onto the fabric of his pants and she was still rocking and they were both crying so Remus didn't know why he laughed, he didn't know much of anything these days.
" Even if you reek of puke tomorrow?"
" Even if I reek of puke tomorrow."
He didn't know how long they sat there tangled together.
He didn't know how long she was even standing there watching him before.
But he did know that felt better, even if his stomach still hurt like shit.
He felt like it was okay to cry.
He didn't have to hide it anymore.
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A/N: I wanted this to be longer but it ended up ending really well so it’s only this long :)
lemme kn0w how you liked iT
Drink some water, eat some food and remember You Are Loved!
