#rememberingthebeginning

Remember when you first fell in love with your partner? Take a minute, right now, to stop being in the here and now, and go back to then and there. Really go there — call up the sights, the sounds, the smells, how your body felt, how your mind spun.

Remember how those feelings were bigger and more important than anything else?

Remember thinking that you would do anything for this person? That you wanted to do whatever he or she needed? That this person’s feelings — wants, needs, fears — could be more important than your own feelings?

Before you dismiss those thoughts as foolish or naive, stop and consider that what they really were was honest and heartfelt.

Has your mind now switched to remembering all the things that have happened since then that have made you feel way less generous towards your partner? All the times that your partner behaved in ways that disappointed you or hurt your feelings or scared or worried you?

Reality shouldn’t be ignored or dismissed. I’m not suggesting that you forget the imperfect or bad stuff that has happened. Those memories are potentially important for planning, for keeping yourself safe, for moving forward in your relationship in one way or another.

No, I’m not suggesting that you forget all the time in between the beginning and now. I’m suggesting that you remember the beginning. It’s at that time in the relationship that you saw and prioritized the best parts of your partner. It’s when you felt most generous and accepting of your partner. Those perspectives may have been facilitated by some exciting biochemistry, but they were founded on the best parts of both of you.

Sally and Mark had been married for 15 years. They’d been together for two years before that. It was and had been overall a good and solid marriage that they’d both found satisfying. As with most relationships of that duration — filled with life, children, work, and friends — prioritizing the relationship wasn’t always the default.

Sally and Mark had spent the weekend with Sally’s sister, Brenda, and her brand new husband, Andy. They were just back from their honeymoon and were eager to share their experiences and their photos.

Brenda and Andy had hooked up a laptop to the big screen TV in Sally and Mark’s family room and were enthusiastically narrating the slideshow. Sally and Mark thought it was very endearing that Brenda and Andy not only sat hip-to-hip but also held hands during the whole thing, occasionally interrupting the narration to kiss.

When Brenda started coughing, Andy jumped up to get her a glass of water. When Andy realized that he’d left his glasses in the car, Brenda jumped up to go get them for him. When they were all trying to decide about what to order in, Brenda and Andy simultaneously said, “Whatever you want, sweetie.”

Later that evening, when Sally and Mark were alone together, they were talking about how sweet new love was. The conversation shifted to talking about their week ahead and how full it was for each of them separately.

Inspired by Brenda and Andy, Mark said, “Hey, Sally, how about coming with me when I drive those documents over to the other office? It would be fun to have a road trip together.”

Sally’s immediate reaction was to say, “Oh, I have so much to do on Monday.”

She saw the disappointment on Mark’s face. Having just spent time with Brenda and Andy, she too was more mindful of how much time she and Mark spent apart instead of together.

Sally smiled and said, “It can all wait til later in the week. I’d love to road trip with you.”

Mark’s smile was broad and very rewarding to Sally. It was lovely to feel that time with her was so special for Mark. For Mark it felt very elevating to have Sally choose him over everything else on her plate for that day. For both of them it felt like a return to the early days of their relationship. It felt good to both of them to reconnect with that earlier way of prioritizing each other and time together.