#relationshop

Audrey Parker. Duke Crocker

1. A colleague of any gender asks you if you have a boyfriend.

2. You are confronted by your family if you already have a boyfriend.

Some trips are about fun. Others are about rest. But some are about feeling close to someone you care about. When you travel as a couple, the place you choose matters. You want to be somewhere that gives you time, not pressure. A good trip is not just what you see, it’s also about how you feel while you’re there. This city gives you the chance to enjoy simple, real moments. It has a calm pace,…

My dear friend...

You are so afraid of people leaving you. You think that anyone could just blindside you and leave you behind like nothing. But, I find it difficult to believe anyone would do that unless they are a sociopath.

First: You did not maintain proper communication with them. They were probably hurting for a long time, but you just shrugged it off. I do not know if that was you not being observational or afraid to confront the problem. But, without channels of communication, then the relationship was already destined to fail, just on that alone.

Second: You feel like an outsider. You feel like you have to prove to others your worthiness to take up space, earning your place. You know you should not have to. But, being perpetually challenged, makes one develop that, I can see that.

Third: Your drive, your ambition, your success. It scares people, it intimidates them. If they are not certain of themselves or grounded in their own existence, they will be swept away, overwhelmed by your intensity. You told me that you felt like you were the only one growing in the relationship. That is very well what they felt too, that they were not matching your pace. Perhaps you deserved better than them. You never placed that burden on them yourself though. You do not expect that of them. But, just when they see that in you, it makes them feel insecure and that is not your fault. And like many before, you felt you have outgrown them. Little do they know, ironically, you are just as every bit unsure of yourself as they are. But, how could they believe that? You have everything better than them, you are just saying that to make them feel better. Yet, you are just being you. You never intended for this to create a gap, but it is there nonetheless. But, that is on them to figure out, not your job.

You are a perfectionist, but to what end? It is impossible to please everyone. You are just setting yourself up for disappointment. But, I think there is more. You perhaps think that if you were perfect enough, someone would have to love you. That if you gave them no reason not to love you, that you could earn their endless affection and eternal love, as long as you were perfect enough.

Fourth: You cannot expect others to provide you comfort, stability, support, or love. You have to be the well from which those are derived for yourself. When you learn to provide for yourself can you truly provide for others. Both partners need to “pay into” the relationship. When you do not have love for yourself then, you are going into “love debt”. The love in a relationship should just be the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. In the same vein, no one is obligated to reciprocate your feelings, your interest, or your hope. You just have to be so full of love for yourself that it does not even bother you if someone decides to not stay around from the get go. If they do not appreciate you for who you are from the beginning, then it would be a waste of time for both of you to continue. You have to be the thing that grounds them, not mutual friends, same work space, or some other externalities. Your confidence, steadfast belief, and love for yourself is what will draw them in. You know, that feeling when see or hear someone who is so passionate about something they love. That, is what will keep them around, and if they cannot see or appreciate that, then you are better off without them.