#regrettable update

I’ve been debating on whether this was something okay or even necessary to do for a while now. I mean, what’s the sense of saying it when it’s kinda sorta obvious? I guess maybe because it’s been weighing on me for ages now and some part of me is hoping that if I say something and am open and honest about it, it’ll be the first step to actual progress. It probably won’t be, given my current track record with that mindset, but...who knows?

I’m not really happy with this blog.

It should be obvious, given that my last story or headcanon was officially a year ago. And since then I’ve genuinely had multiple points where I’ve pondered this matter. Sometimes, not to the best conclusions. There have actually been points where I considered abandoning this blog; after all, isnt that what I’ve essentially been doing for the last year or more?

The problem is, I wouldn’t be happy doing that.

When I say I’m not happy with this blog, I guess what I mean is I’m not happy trying to keep up with what my arrogance has me seeing this blog as. I have so many story ideas I’d like to share with you guys but I’m under the constant feeling that I’ve written myself to a standard, one I no longer recall how to achieve. I genuinely cannot remember how to write, much less in a way that not only would appeal to an audience, but would also meet my own perfectionist approval. Lately, writing has become less fun and more me struggling, feeling suffocated in my own head, then leaving it alone. And in the off-chance something gets completed, it’s more so because I don’t want to look at it anymore. Even when I feel it’s not my best.

And I really, really hate this because I started this place as a dumping ground. I really didn’t expect it to get this far; I just wanted to stop pestering other blogs with my crap. But here we are, and...I don’t love writing the way I used to. And it scares me; writing is one of the few things I feel I can actually do competently. And if I don’t have writing, what do I have?

I want to like writing again. I want to be excited to have a story to tell, not filled with dread because it means I’ll be faced with yet another feeling of failure. I want to put out stories again. I want to contribute to fandoms I love again. I want to reclaim my ability to just vomit onto the page and be proud of it because it made somebody happy, especially now of all times.

Problem is, I have no idea how to do that. So I guess I should start small and start over. No clue how or when, but like I said: Maybe just admitting all this will relieve some weight off of me? Who knows...

In any case, I at least must thank those of you who have been practicing the utmost patience with me: Y’all are the real MVPs and I’m pretty sure it’s mostly because you forgot I even existed but still!!

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