Until you realise there is no One specific way anyone of any gender can look, including cishet men, you will forever be a fool who cannot see transphobia and transmisogyny under your very nose. You will blindly support a transphobic cis women when she comes crying to you about a "scary man she had to call the cops on" when she has in fact just commited an act of transmisogyny in percieving a trans woman as a threat and decided to put her in danger. Or racism! This is also a bioessentialist genderessentialist excuse used to get away with racist violence towards black people.

You have to believe women and all victims (nonbinary people, trans people including trans men, we all have incredibly high rates of assault and violence against us) but you can never allow yourself to fall into binaristic thinking and belief that there is a specific Look that denotes a Gender that can be avoided to avoid danger. It is not needed to help you deel with ousting the individual predators around you. You have to become okay existing in spaces with people you percieve as cis men or you will be actively being bigoted and anti-trans, many trans people of any gender could look like what your idea of a cis man looks like. You have to stop assigning violence to any given Look. You have to stop making excuses for widely critisized parts of radfeminism purely because existing in aa world with an easy Good and Bad binary makes you more comfortaable.

"Anyone who looks like what i think a cishet man looks like is a threat" is not a politically sound belief, it is a trauma response you should seek help for. It is not your fault you have been traumatised, the world and the patriarchy are horrific to you. But to use that as a FACT is a route towards so mamy documented transphobic and racist crimes. People kill trans people and black people over this. Do better. Your white transphobic feminism is not good enough. We have moved onto more informed and inclusive forms of feminism already.

Trans women are being barred from bathrooms and queer spaces because this transphobic feminist ideal. Cis women decide trans women are a threat because in their transphobic minds they percieve them as having "come from" this state of the Always Predator Group, or they look at them and decide they still look "too much like cishet men" and it is violently disgusting that this outdated exclusionary feminism allows them to do this without being challenged, because challenging it becomes something you can be accused of not listening to victims over. Well it should be challenged, loudly, because it is nothing but a reactionary, fascist "right to comfort" talking point used to try to soften the public facing image of transmisogyny with "but think of the cis women!" Statements that make their comfort more important than a trans womans safety. Challenge it. And do not bring it into our as trans peoples own feminism and theory. You can do better than our oppressors.

What i am going to say goes for every binary trans political, theory, feminist and general trans discussion group. If you keep constructing binaries or concrete prescriptive ideals of gender, experiences or identity this rot will always find a way to fester. If you keep ignoring the plight of nonbinary people, multigender people and intersex people this rot will always find you. You cannot keep ascribing to binaries, to ideas that anything is inherent to any given gender or that your identity contains an experience no-one from a different identity could ever experience.

Until you start paying attention to anti-binary and pro-trans scholars who came before you, to a wide array of stats and figures, to peoples real lived experiences instead of simply applying a different coat of paint cisfeminism you are doing the trans community a disservice. You cannot merely engage with that which proves your pre decided transmedicalist radfeminist thought no matter who you wield it against. Oppression and the trans experience does not operate in a gender binary NOR a sex binary with one on top of the other, it does not mirror cisfeminism because it operates outside of believeing in the patriarchy's idea that there IS a binary. You forget the nonbinary and intersex people around you in favour of recreating the very feminism that scholars have critiqued and sought to improve for more than twenty years. You have been recruited by transmedicalism and radfeminism. Shame on you. Do better. If you solely uphold a book that calls nonbinary people priveliged or cissexual you know full well you are a transmedicalist. If you believe in inherent evil being stored in the gender identity or god forbid the fucking penis you know full well you are a radical feminist. Both these positions do nothing for trans people and only further to keep us oppressed and help maintain the patriarchy. Shame on you.

Until you start recognising that trans related bigotry is not easily categorised due to the bigot's nature in dehumanising you and depersonalising you via stripping you of your right to identity in favour of being labelled as whatever they wish to hate enough to kill you you are closing your eyes to how the real world works. Until you start recognising there are men who are girls and that multigender identities exist in ways far more binary defiant than your binaristic views you are useless to the cause. Until you start acknowleging that nonbinary people are not sorted into masc and fem categories you are useless. Until you realise intersex people have been fighting for years to tell you that assigned sex is a bullshit categorisation tool and that you are stealong their words and terms to create a binary they disprove and are discriminated against you are useless and deeply intersexist.

What using some stupid assumption based mental cheat sheet you've picked up from internet jokes for every interaction with every trans woman ever will grant you though is a +80% transmisogyny bonus that will make her want to avoid you for the rest of time for deciding all trans women are One Single Character though. It doesn't matter if your stereotypes are intended to be positive, stereotyping is never a good thing to do, you need to treat her like an individual and get to know her likes and dislikes. Please. She needs to know she can just be herself and still be a trans woman and not feel like either A) everyone she meets is going to be fucking weird to her, or B) she has to change who she is to fit a cookie cutter ideal of a trans woman. The things you see online are tongue in cheek in-jokes, they are not actual prescriptive points that really apply to every single trans woman. She's an individual. treat her like one. You are actively being transmisogynistic in refusing to do so, because it is so deeply misogynistic to treat women as uniform objects with no personhood or individuality.

Finding out they are straight and dating someone in a straight relationship (something that is completely normal and no less progressive than being trans and gay)

Detransitioning (something we know that the vast majority of detransitioners are either forced into or have to do for safety and lack of support and not due to any transphobic rhetoric)

Or simply just. Refusing to hang out with the absolute tar pit who is spitting this accusation at them.

It is a bizarre and completely detached insult, one that assumes this is some sort of club with four walls and a door or a fandom. A stealth trans person is just as trans and just as part of the queer community as a very vocally not stealth person. Many people have to go stealth for safety and your derision of them is unneeded and deeply uninformed on the dangers of all types of transphobia. Trans women and men will often go stealth because as much as the massive risk and threat exists in any potential moment of being "found out" being perceived as a cis man or woman means an ability to navigate the world a little easier and safer, we all make moment to moment decisions like these regardless of if we are stealth or not. I don't wear a pronoun pin unless i am in an explicitly trans and queer space, i don't wear it about the town- this doesn't mean i have stopped being queer or am "betraying the trans community" by being slightly less loud about my identity; it means i am making a moment to moment decision for my safety. I'm deciding that in some moments I DO NOT NEED TO BE MORE OF A TARGET THAN I ALREADY AM. You HAVE to love your fellow trans siblings who make these decisions.

If you as a fellow trans person take issue with that you should go to therapy and work through the way you allow your dysphoria to embolden you to become antiqueer and gender essentialist. I'm not going to make myself look like a cishet man for your comfort any more than i'm going to make myself look like a cishet woman for the cis patriarchy's comfort. I would normally word this gentler and with an eye focused more towards being educating and detached from my emotions but truly i have seen so many atrocious hateful traitors spewing transphobia under the guise of being pro-trans these past few days that i have lost the willingness to be nice.

I am a man, i am not a cishet man nor do i want to look like one, when i first started feeling euphoria around the concept of gender it was towards androgynous GNC men from the eighties and it was towards characters who blurred gender lines. I'm sorry if anything outside of a 1950's american white picket fence idea of gender skeeves you out but that's a you problem. And truly it IS a problem and one you should fix before being allowed to speak on anything queer, because the hatred you hold for people who refuse to assimilate and crush themselves down to fit the patriarchy's binary is grotesquely anti-queer and you should live in shame of that.

You may not want any of the features i do, but that doesn't make my ideal euphoric presentation an "appropriation" or a "negative stereotype" nor anything to do with you or your transition in any way shape or form, because i and countless other people exist and look like this and it has nothing to do with you because you are not the main character of the world, you are not the center of the universe. You have no right to another persons body or their presentation. Statements that run against that basic understanding of human rights and lgbt rights disgust me. Someone's appearance is not your business. It is not transphobic to look this way you are just entirely poisoned by transmedicalist exorsexists.

You need to fix your heart if other people cannot exist if they don't align with what you personally want to look like. And if your issue is specifically with someone like me looking like this while being arbitrarily assigned what i was at birth or having the genitals i have then you are absolutely laughably bigoted.