#reflecition

There’s a reason this studyblog is called just trying and that is because I am not very consistent about it. I also kinda forgot this blog existed.... oops

Any who, second semester everybody!! Just finished my first two classes of the year and am on my study break. So I’m gonna give a little update. 

First semester kicked my butt. I got burnt out from the constant stress and lack of socialization. I’ve been fully online since Thanksgiving break and there’s no end in sight. This being said, I do have a few highlights of first semester (most achievements are DP related);

Finished my English IO, so now I just focus on Paper 1 and fine tuning my HL essay

FINISHED MY EXTENDED ESSAY!!!! Probably my proudest achievement and I can’t wait to hear my score cause I have very high hopes for it!

I’ve done very well on my practice Paper 1s for History 

Did my CAS project write up (remember CAS, cause I sure don’t) and just working on the small experiences now

I presented my TOK presentation and submitted my essay so we’re all done there! 

I have an idea and some work done for every IA I have to do (I have three, i think) and can focus my energy on actually writing it now (the fun part *sarcastic*)

And last but not least, I’ve gotten accepted to colleges!!!!

That’s actually pretty much it, not too much has happened and yet everything has happened. Now, here’s somethings for me to look forward to this semester;

I’m taking mythology which should be super fun

Actually picking a college to attend

Taking my DP tests

Finishing all IA’s

Finishing Senior Year and graduating

Giving a speech during graduation (I was junior class president, it’s actually a funny story on why)

And cyber stalking all potential colleges

Sometimes, when I'm temporally alone in my room smoking at the window I feel like I'm not really here, present, that I'm not doing enough... and wondering what is actually "enough"? What do I want? Money, cars, expensive clothing, and endless trips? Is that enough?  Or a normal life? In the countryside? Or maybe at the seaside? No, no... in a big city? Big city for a small girl? No. Will I ever have the guts to fly off to Italy and live in a small city in the north, alone and having only me as a known friendly face? Do I want a husband and kids with a place to call home? Will I ever succeed? And what is that? Who am I? What do I want? Where do I go? When will I be satisfied?  Do I have to figure all out? Is that something we got to do?  And what exactly am I scared of: My present or my future? For that, I may have an answer: I'm scared of both. And Am I losing time worrying about what I could have done or what I want to do instead of doing something? "That last question caught me unprepared" ...I'm so tired of those questions.

Sometimes I wish that there wasn't that many "I" written here. Wish that I wasn't obligated to see everything and everyone with only my point of view... It's such a claustrophobic though. If it wasn't for that I wouldn't be so ego-centered or maybe there would be so many perspectives that I wouldn't know which one is truly mine... or maybe...or maybe? What if? And if? If I...just...