#reesegotlost

2018 was a rough year for me!

My final year in University began in Fall 2017 with a study abroad semester in Spain. Within the first few weeks of my study abroad my then boyfriend and I had broken up. Having previously gone through many breakups with him throughout the years, this was nothing new. That is to say, I was fine with everything, and I was in a really good place in my life.

Spain was a magical time and experience for me. I fell in love with the country. I fell in love with the fact that all my academics were in a foreign language that I knew well. And most of all I loved my beautiful and wonderful host families with their beautiful and wonderful children!

Gosh! I can’t wait to live there one day (because it’s gonna happen)!

After my long-time boyfriend and I broke up sometime after my birthday, I reminded myself that I was living in Madrid and should not let this rain cloud ruin such a wonderful life opportunity.

Therefore I rallied. I began using my time to focus on myself and continued to develop my language skills. Beautiful Spanish city, with beautiful Spaniards? There was nothing else to do but live my best life.

But I also used this time to focus on getting back to myself and learning how to be alone again. Exploring different parts of Madrid, making new friends and eating tortilla española with a good book on every terraza possible were how most of my days went. I got back to being the happy, care-free, stress-free me that I lost for a very long time.

I felt happy. And light.

And then….the bullshit.

I returned to my University campus in January of 2018. My school was a small, predominantly white liberal arts school in the middle of nowhere. As this was my last semester in school I just wanted to eat my fruits, drink my water, go to the gym, and mind my business!

But upon my return the happy and carefree me struggled with maintaining my happy. School work always provided a way for me to drown out the trash happening around me and just focus on concrete things. But, alas, it was my senior year so my course load was the lightest it had ever been. I couldn’t drown out the bullshit.

Upon my return I was immediately welcomed back with open arms from people I knew. They were quick to ask me about my time abroad and how great it was. Ya know. The usual talk. Then it quickly turned into questions about my relationship. Kinda went like this:

They: “So are you guys still together?”

Me: “Nah. Didn’t work out. Ya know. Shit happens.”

They: “Oh girl. Sorry to hear that but you’re better off.”

Me: “….I mean it wasn’t a bad split….why am I better off?”

They: “Well you know cause you deserve better. Especially after what happened over the summer.”

Me: “….Summer?”

They: “Oh you know last summer when he was here.”

Me: “….Over summer?”

*Just for clarification: Ex-bae was a year ahead of me so he graduated May 2017. So this refers to Summer 2017*

And it’s clear from this conversation that the proverbial tea was spilled. Cold tea for them. Scalding hot—burn your tongue cause ya drank it too fast—tea for me.

Here it was I was hearing so much SHIT (ALL THE SCANDALS! OK?) about him that all these people—people who loved chilling, and hanging out with me, who had the AUDACITY to call themselves my friends and smile up in my face!—knew whatever they knew for MONTHS (SHIIDD maybe even YEARS) and no one told me shit.

LOL Ain’t that some shit?

Anyway.

Needless to say that it was a very dark semester for me. Spiralling from shock. Confronting said ex-bae and still not getting any solid answers. (Sometimes ya just don’t need closure!) Not knowing whom to trust.

I cut a lot of people off that year! If you used to say Hello to that young man you were out!

Lol kidding… maybe…

ANYWAY!

The worst thing about it was that I saw myself turning into a person I did not like very much. There were months where everyday I would wake up in some combination of pissed off and sad. The light, care-free me from Spain was no where to be found. Which made me even more pissed off and sad because I was in a seriously good place before I went back to that Blackhole of a University. 

But like a worker bee, I had to keep moving forward. Grad school applications were either in progress or submitted so at least I had that to look forward to right? I would be onto a new future soon right?…….RIGHT?!

Haha…

I was the type of person who always had a plan. Then a back-up plan. Then a back-up to the back-up. And as a last resort an emergency or exit strategy. So grad school was always the #1 plan for me after graduation.

LOL So funny.

EVERY. SINGLE. SCHOOL. Rejected me. Except 1 program at this amazing school, but that was my Safety Programme. But in those weeks I saw my top plan drifting off in the wind, taking what little sanity I had with it. *eye twitch*

So onto The Back-up Plan right? Right. Grad school wasn’t an option for this year. So that presented an opportunity for me to go out there and get some work experience. As an international student with an F-1 visa I could apply for OPT and work in America for a year. Ok. Cool. That was the new plan. Great.

Haha. I spent MONTHS applying for every job out there. Undergoing multiple job interviews over these months. Passing many rounds. But never got a single job offer. Haha what a time.

Thus, when graduation approached I was happy to be leaving the Sinking Ship that was my University days. Honestly I wanted to run away. If you spoke to me in those days I would tell you that changing my name and moving to a foreign country where no one knows you is a form of self-care. I stand by that.

But I needed to get away from EVERYONE and EVERYTHING that I knew. With going back home to The Bahamas as my emergency/exit strategy, I wasn’t too happy with that plan. I wasn’t done with the world, although the world was showing me that it was done with me.

But before graduation came an interesting opportunity to teach English for a year in China. China rang bells in my head because it was literally so far from everyone I knew. This was going to be my new fresh start. I would know nobody and nothing. Not even Chinese, because I studied Spanish and Italian for the last 4 years.

Thus, having The Discussion with my family led to many blank stares and confusion on their part. My mother would come to me every few hours just to make sure.

Mum: “China?! What in China you wan see?”

Me: “I just need to go far for a bit…”

Mum: “But China? What about Spain? You did like Spain!”

Me: “Not far enough.”

Brother: “What you tryna run away from? Come tell ya brother. Cause I need to understand!”

Me: “ *laughing tryna hold back tears* Gee y’all. I am a world traveller! Why I can’t go to China?”

Mum: “Cause it so far! Who you know over there? He (Ex-bae) hurt you that bad that you wan go that far?”

Me: “Yes! Gee! Let me just run away in peace! Y’all lucky ine dropping off the planet! China is happening ok??!”

Brother: “…well make sure they don’t steal ya passport please…”

This exact conversation happened literally almost everyday over the summer months.

But I would not be deterred! This was my chance to get back to myself; to find myself once again. Cause this new, unfamiliar Reese was not working for me. This was my fresh start.

As my brother would put it: “You tryna be on ya Eat, Pray, Love tip aye?”

Basically yeah.

So this is some background on how/why this blog was created. Or how/why I ended up in China.

This blog is going to be about my new travel/life experiences, as I go about trying to get back to Me.

So cheers to getting lost!

XOXO

Lil Reesey