#redroomreflections

It’s funny how you can be in the middle of something, and a completely random memory will strike. You’re at a red stop light, bobbing your head along to the low sounds of music, as you look into your rearview. Ryan is doing pretty much the same thing as he taps his fingers along the car door. He looks so much like Natasha when he smiles. She may not have carried him, but their similarities always amaze you. You think back to the time he was a tiny toddler, tapping his fingers along the car door much like he does now.

A small smile tugs at your lips as the memory warms your heart. Those early days were a whirlwind of sleepless nights and endless diaper changes, but they were also filled with moments like this—simple, yet profoundly beautiful. Ryan, with his curly hair and bright eyes, had always been a curious child, absorbing everything around him with an intensity that mirrored Natasha’s.

The light turns green, and you gently press the accelerator, your mind still lingering on the past. The familiar route to Emma’s dance school is lined with trees, their leaves swaying in the breeze. Ryan’s soft voice from the backseat pulls you back to the present. He’s telling you about his day at school yesterday, excitedly recounting a game he played with his friends. His enthusiasm is infectious, and you find yourself genuinely engaged in his story. 

“And I think another tooth is going to fall out if he’s not careful,” Ryan continues as he describes his time with Miles on the playground yesterday. 

“Oh yeah,” You say, reaching over to turn the radio down. “How’d he lose the other one?” 

Ryan grins, his eyes lighting up with amusement. “He was trying to show off on the monkey bars and slipped. It was pretty funny, but he’s okay.”

You whistle, shaking your head. “Boys will be boys, I guess. Just make sure you’re being careful too, okay?”

“I will, Mommy,” Ryan replies, giving you a reassuring smile.

"We still have a bit before Emma’s class is over," You say, checking the clock on the dashboard. There’s quite a bit of time left. "We could go to the bakery and grab some sweets. What do you say?"

"I like that idea," Ryan nods. "You always have good ideas."

"I don’t know about always," You shrug, "but I’m glad you think so highly of me." You quickly find a parking spot close to the shopping area. Emma’s dance school is only a few blocks away, just in case things let out early.

As you step out of the car, the warm aroma of freshly baked bread and pastries wafts through the air, making your mouth water. The bakery’s quaint storefront, with its colorful awning and display of delicious treats, invites you in. You help Ryan out of the car and he rushes to the door. 

"Let’s see what they have today," Ryan says, opening the door for you. 

“I’m raising such a gentleman,” You chuckle as he struggles to continue holding it open for you. 

Inside, the bakery is filled with customers, but it’s a cozy kind of busy. The display cases are filled with an assortment of cookies, cakes, and pastries. A friendly cashier greets you with a smile. 

"What looks good to you?" You ask Ryan, scanning the options.

"I’m thinking maybe a couple of those chocolate croissants," he says, pointing to the flaky, golden pastries. 

"Good choice," You agree. "And I think I’ll get a lemon tart. Emma loves those, so we can surprise her with one. What do you think Mama would like?” 

“Dark chocolate truffles,” Ryan insists, tapping at the display case. 

“Got it,” You nod. You place your order and wait while the cashier carefully boxes up your treats. As you leave the bakery, you notice a small park nearby with benches and flowering trees.

"Want to sit for a bit and enjoy these?" He suggests and he seems to be hopeful that you’ll say yes. You see his attempt at spending more time together for what it is. You won’t deny it. 

"Sure, sounds perfect," You reply. 

You find a shady spot under a tree and sit down, savoring the moment. Ryan sits next to you, practically curling into your body as you eat the treats. It had been a long time since you’d spent this much one-on-one time with him, and the realization tugged at your heart. Ryan’s small hand rested on your lap, his love for you evident in his need for physical touch. You figured now was as good a time as any to talk. 

“How have you been feeling, Ry,” You dust your hands-free of crumbs. “About me and Mama getting back together?” 

Ryan looks down at his lap, fidgeting with a stray thread on his shirt. 

“Hey, baby, you can tell me anything,” You assure him. You take his hand in yours. “Even if you think it will make me sad or upset. You never have to hide your feelings from me.” 

“I’m nervous,” He admits quietly, avoiding your gaze. “I want us all to be happy, but I just don’t want you to change your mind and break Mama’s heart again.”

You take a deep breath, trying to find the right words to reassure him. “I understand, buddy. It’s a big change, and it’s okay to feel nervous. I promise you, I’m doing everything I can to make sure things work out this time.”

He looks up at you, his eyes wide and searching for reassurance. “But what if it doesn’t? What if something happens again?”

You gently squeeze his hand. “We’re all working hard to make things better. Your Mama and I are talking more, listening to each other, and trying to fix the things that went wrong before. It’s not going to be perfect overnight, but we’re committed to making it work.”

Ryan nods slowly, his grip on your hand tightening. “Okay. I just want us to be a family.”

“And we are a family, Ry, no matter what,” You say, pulling him into a comforting hug. “We’ll figure it out together.”

Ryan rests his head against your shoulder, his worries eased for the moment. 

“Can we talk more about why you’ve been so angry?” You ask, wanting to continue the conversation and give him the space he needs to express himself. “I know we’ve talked before about you hitting Mama. From my understanding that hasn’t happened again right?” 

“No, I promise,” Ryan shifts slightly, still leaning against you but with a furrowed brow. “I guess I just feel scared,” he says after a moment. “When you and Mama were fighting a lot, it was really hard. And when you left, it felt like everything was falling apart. Like my heart was breaking into a million tiny pieces every day. I was sad and I didn’t know what to do.”

You nod, listening intently. “That must have been tough for you, Ry. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I left you in the dark about a lot. I shouldn’t have been that way with you and your sister.”

“It’s just… I thought maybe things would never get better,” he continues, his voice small. “And I was so mad because I didn’t understand why you and Mama had to get a divorce. I didn’t know if you were coming back, or if Mama was okay. It was like I couldn’t do anything to help.”

Your heart aches to hear his pain. “I can see why you’d feel that way. It’s okay to be angry and scared, especially when things feel out of control. But I want you to know that none of what happened was your fault, and you don’t have to fix it all by yourself.”

Ryan looks up at you, his eyes reflecting a mixture of relief and lingering worry. “I just want to believe that it’s going to be okay. That you and Mama won’t hurt each other anymore.”

You wrap your arm around him, holding him close. “We’re doing our best to make sure that doesn’t happen again. We’ve learned from our mistakes, and we’re working on being better for each other and for you and Emma. It’s going to take time, but we’re committed to making it work.”

Ryan takes a deep breath, seeming to absorb your words. “Okay,” he says softly. “I believe you. I just needed to hear it.”

“I’m glad we talked about this,” You say, kissing the top of his head. “You can always tell me how you’re feeling, no matter what. We’re in this together.”

Ryan nods, a small smile forming on his lips. “Thanks, I love you.”

“I love you too, Ry,” You reply, feeling a sense of calm wash over you both. “Now, how about we finish these treats and then head to pick up Emma?”

Ryan nods enthusiastically, the heaviness of the conversation lifting as he reaches for another chocolate croissant. 

**************

Seeing the smile on Emma’s face when she spots you standing near the entrance of her dance class is priceless. She looks so sophisticated and grown up as she prances over to you in her tutu. You catch her in your arms, offering her a big hug and kiss on the cheek.

“Mommy, are we going home?” Emma asks, and you nod.

“Of course, baby. I’m going to spend some time with you, Ryan, and Mama before we go back to my apartment tonight,” You inform her.

“Does it have to be just you and Mama?” Emma pouts as you carry her over to her dance bag. You set her gently on her feet, gathering her stuff, as she doesn’t offer to help.

You take a deep breath, trying to find the right words to explain. “Emma, Mama and I are trying to fix things between us. We love you and Ryan so much, and we want to make sure we’re doing the best we can for our family. Sometimes that means we need to talk and spend time together, just the two of us, to figure things out.”

Emma’s pout deepens, and she looks down at her feet. “But I don’t want you to go back to your apartment. I want us all to be together and have a sleepover.”

Your heart aches at her words, understanding her desire for you to be home. “I know, sweetie,” you say softly, kneeling to her level. “I want that too, more than anything. But for now, Mama and I have to take things slowly to make sure we’re doing everything right.”

Emma’s eyes fill with unshed tears as she looks up at you. “But why can’t we just be together?”

You gently brush a strand of hair away from her face. “It’s because Mama and I need to talk and work on some things. We love you and Ryan so much, and we want to make sure we’re the best parents we can be. Sometimes that means spending some time apart to figure things out.”

Emma sniffles, her lip trembling. “I just miss you, Mommy.”

You pull her into a comforting hug. “I miss you too, baby. And I promise, we’re doing everything we can to be together as a family again. How about this: we’ll have a special sleepover at Mama’s house this weekend, all of us together. Would you like that?”

Emma pulls back slightly, her eyes brightening a bit. “Really? A special sleepover?”

“Really,” You affirm, smiling. “We can watch movies, eat popcorn, and even have a bonfire or something. What do you think?”

She nods eagerly, a small smile breaking through. “Okay, that sounds fun.”

“Great,” You say, standing up and taking her hand. You stand to see another parent eyeing you from a few feet away. You connect eyes with her and offer her an awkward smile. 

“Hi, you’re Emma’s other mom, right?” She asks.

“Yes, that’s right,” You respond, trying to maintain a friendly demeanor. “I’m Emma’s Mommy. Nice to meet you.”

The woman smiles, her curiosity evident. “I’ve seen Emma with her other mom a few times. I’m Claire, by the way. My daughter, Lily, is in the same class.”

“Nice to meet you, Claire,” You say, shaking her hand. “I think I’ve heard Emma talk about Lily a few times. They seem to be great friends.” 

Claire nods, glancing at Emma, who’s now talking with Lily nearby. “They are. It’s nice to see them so happy. It’s great to see you around here.”

“Thank you, it’s great to be back,” You say before bidding her a good day. You know she had more questions than other parents usually did, and you didn’t mind answering just not right now. With the divorce, you had unfortunately distanced yourself from the children's activities. You hadn’t been present in their everyday lives, and the impact was evident. You almost wonder why Natasha didn’t push for full custody—she likely would have had a strong case.

Natasha, understandably, took on more responsibilities and became the primary caregiver during that time. She was actively involved in their school events, extracurricular activities, and day-to-day upbringing. 

Reflecting on it now, you realize that your absence might have painted a picture of disengagement.  It wasn’t intentional neglect; rather, the overwhelming emotions and challenges of the divorce had pulled your focus away from what mattered most—being there for Emma and Ryan.

“Alright kiddos, let’s go,” You lead them out of the studio with much to think about. 

*********************

“Mama, we got you dark chocolate truffles!” Emma exclaimed, offering the box to the redhead as she stepped through the front door of the house. Natasha gently put down her laundry bag, ready to catch Emma, who seemed very fond of running into her parents' arms.

“Did you now?” Natasha responded with a smile, scooping Emma up into a warm hug. “Thank you, sweetie.”

“Yeah, she ate a few on the way here,” You mutter with a headshake, a hint of amusement in your voice.

Natasha laughs softly, glancing at you. “Well, I can’t blame her. These are my favorite. How did you know?” she asked Emma, giving her another squeeze.

“Mommy said they were,” Emma replied, beaming with pride.

Natasha’s gaze softened as she looked at you. “Thank you,” she said sincerely. “It means a lot.”

You nod, feeling a bit more at ease. “We thought it would be a nice surprise. Plus, it was all really Ryan’s idea.”

Natasha raises an eyebrow, a smile playing on her lips. “Oh, was it now? Ryan’s got good taste.”

“Yeah, he’s quite the planner,” You say with a chuckle, glancing over at Ryan, who is now watching Emma with a pleased expression.

Ryan, overhearing the conversation, walks over and stands next to you, looking a bit bashful but proud. “I just wanted to make Mama happy,” he says softly.

Natasha kneels down to Ryan’s level, pulling him into a gentle hug. “You always make me happy, Ry. Thank you for thinking of me.”

Ryan beams, his earlier nervousness fading away. “You’re welcome, Mama. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Natasha replies, kissing him on the forehead before standing back up. “I have lunch ready for us today. I always know Printsessa is extremely hungry after dance.”

“I am,” Emma says, rubbing her tummy. “But first, can I show Mommy my room?”

“I’ve seen your room before, Emma,” You join in the conversation with a raised eyebrow. “Is there something new in there?”

Emma nods eagerly, her eyes lighting up with excitement. “Yes! Mama and I decorated it differently, and I got some new stuffies. Come see!”

You glance at Natasha, who nods encouragingly. “Go ahead. I’ll finish setting up lunch.”

“I can help you,” Ryan volunteers. 

“Alright, lead the way,” You say to Emma, who grabs your hand and starts pulling you toward her room.

As you walk up the stairs to her bedroom, Emma chatters excitedly about the changes. “We got new fairy lights and a big rainbow pillow! And Mama put up a shelf for all my books.”

Entering Emma’s room, you immediately notice the transformation. The fairy lights cast a soft glow, and a colorful rainbow pillow sits proudly on her bed. The new shelf is neatly organized with her favorite books and toys.

“What do you think, Mommy?” Emma asks, looking up at you with anticipation.

“It’s beautiful, Emma,” You say, genuinely impressed. “You and Mama did a great job. It looks so cozy and fun.”

Emma beams with pride. “Thanks! I love it so much. And look, here are my new stuffies!” She runs over to her bed, picking up a few plush animals to show you. “This is Eloise, and Gertrude, and Penelope.”

“Whoa, where did you get these names?” You ask, raising an eyebrow in amusement. They truly sound like elderly-sounding names. Not that you would tell her that. 

Emma giggles, holding up Eloise, a fluffy bunny. “Mama helped me pick them. We wanted names that sounded fancy.”

“They’re fancy,” You say with a smile, taking one of the stuffed animals from her. “And they’re all very cute.”

Emma nods enthusiastically. “I like to pretend they’re having tea parties and going on adventures together. They’re my best friends.”

 “That sounds like a lot of fun. Maybe we can have a tea party with them sometime.”

“Yes, please!” Emma says, clapping her hands together. “You can be the guest of honor, Mommy.”

“It’s a date,” You agree, hugging her. “But for now, we should head to the kitchen before lunch gets cold.”

“Okay!” Emma replies, bounding toward the door with one of her new stuffies in hand.

You follow her back to the kitchen, feeling a warm glow from the simple yet meaningful moments you’re sharing. Natasha has set the table with grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. One of Emma’s favorites. 

“This looks good, babe,” You compliment without really thinking. You take a seat closer to her chair.

Natasha's eyes flicker with a hint of surprise, followed by a soft smile. “Thanks,” she says, a touch of warmth in her voice. “I’m glad you’re here to enjoy it with us.”

Emma, oblivious to the brief exchange, eagerly reaches for a sandwich. “Mama makes the best lunches!” she declares proudly.

Ryan nods in agreement, already munching on a piece of fruit. “Yeah, this is great, Mama.”

You settle into your seat, feeling a mix of nostalgia and hope. “It really does look amazing. Thanks for making lunch, Natasha.”

Natasha smiles, her eyes meeting yours. “You’re welcome. It’s nice to have everyone together.”

As you start eating, the conversation flows easily. Emma and Ryan share stories from their day, and you and Natasha listen attentively, adding your comments and questions. 

“So, Emma showed me her room,” You say, glancing at Natasha. “You both did a fantastic job decorating it.”

Natasha’s face lights up with pride. “Thanks. We had a lot of fun doing it together, didn’t we, Emma?”

Emma nods vigorously. “Yeah! And Mommy said we can have a tea party with my stuffies sometime.”

“That sounds like a wonderful idea,” Natasha agrees, giving Emma a fond look. “We should plan it soon.”

After lunch, as you help clear the table, Natasha catches your eye. “Thanks for the compliment earlier,” she says quietly, a genuine smile on her face.

“Of course,” you reply, returning the smile. “I meant it. It’s really good to be here with you all.”

Natasha nods, and for a moment, there’s an understanding between you—a shared acknowledgment of the effort you’re both putting in to rebuild your family. 

“I was thinking we could head over to your apartment at five?” Natasha mentions. “I have a babysitter coming over. Yelena is still kind of on the fritz so I didn’t dare ask her.”

“Sounds good,” you nod in agreement. “Is she still ignoring your calls? I didn’t know us getting back together would cause so much grief with your sister.”

Natasha sighs, a hint of frustration crossing her face. “Yeah, she’s still not picking up. Yelena’s protective. She saw what the divorce did to all of us, especially the kids, and she’s worried about me getting hurt again.”

You nod thoughtfully. “I get that. I didn’t realize she was taking it so hard. I thought she’d be happy we’re trying to work things out.”

“She’s just cautious,” Natasha explains. “She wants to make sure we’re not rushing into anything and that the kids don’t get caught in the middle again.”

“I understand,” You say, feeling a pang of guilt. “I’ll reach out to her too. Maybe if she hears from both of us, it’ll help.”

Natasha gives you a small smile. “That might be a good idea. She just needs some time.”

As the conversation shifts, you both start preparing for the evening. Natasha ensures the house is ready for the babysitter, while you spend time with Emma and Ryan, making sure they feel comfortable with the plans for the night.

At five, the babysitter arrives—a friendly woman named Sarah, who immediately puts the kids at ease with her warm smile and easygoing demeanor. She doesn’t need an introduction to the kids' routines as Natasha’s used her services before. 

“We’ll be back soon,” Natasha tells the kids, giving each of them a hug. “Be good for Sarah, okay?”

“We will,” Emma and Ryan promise in unison.

As you and Natasha step out of the house and head to your car, you can’t help but feel a mix of anticipation and nervousness. The evening ahead holds the promise of important conversations and the possibility of taking more steps toward healing and rebuilding your relationship.

*****************

The drive to your apartment is filled with a comfortable silence, both of you lost in thought. Once you arrive, you take a deep breath and turn to Natasha. “Ready?”

She nods, giving you a reassuring smile. “Ready. What are you so nervous about?”

“Well, I didn’t exactly prepare for you to come,” You shrug. “I mean, it’s not like it’s dirty or anything. It’s just really bare bones and bachelor-y.”

Natasha chuckles softly. “I’m sure it’s fine. You always were a minimalist.”

You lead her inside, feeling a bit self-conscious about the simplicity of your apartment compared to the cozy warmth of your old home. This place has never felt like you belonged in it. It feels too much like how you’ve felt inside. Lonely. As you step into the living room, Natasha glances around with interest. It is an open living area with polished hardwood floors and large windows offering city views and tons of natural light. There’s a plush sectional sofa and a sleek coffee table in the center of the room. 

The dining area nearby features a stylish table set under a minimalist chandelier, adding a touch of elegance. The kitchen, equipped with high-end appliances and marble countertops, exudes functionality but lacks personal touches.

The bedrooms are spacious and well-furnished, with the master bedroom featuring a king-sized bed and simple, crisp sheets. The overall vibe is one of luxury and comfort, although the space feels more curated than lived-in, with minimal personal decor.

“It’s nice,” she comments, walking over to look out the window living room window. “Very you.”

You chuckle nervously, hoping she doesn’t find the lack of decorations or homey touches too off-putting. “I know it’s not as homey as your place.”

Natasha turns to face you, her expression gentle. “It doesn’t have to be. This is your space.”

You relax a little, grateful for her understanding. “Thanks. Let me just get us something to drink.”

While you busy yourself in the kitchen, Natasha wanders around the living room, examining a few books on the shelf and the simple decor. When you return with drinks, she’s sitting comfortably on the couch, looking at a framed photo of you and the kids.

“I’m glad we’re doing this,” she says softly, setting down her glass.

“Me too,” you admit, sitting beside her. “I’ve missed having you here.”

Natasha meets your gaze, her eyes reflecting a mix of emotions. “I’ve missed being here.”

You take a deep breath, feeling the weight of the moment. Despite the nerves and the uncertainties, being together like this feels right. It’s a small step, but an important one, towards reconnecting and rebuilding what was lost.

“What’s this?” Natasha spots the photograph on the table tucked under a bunch of notebooks and your laptop. It’s an intimate photo of the two of you on your honeymoon. You’re holding Natasha in your arms, her back turned away from the camera, kissing your cheek. Both of you look incredibly happy. 

“I’ve been looking for this photo. You’ve had it all this time,” Natasha says, her voice filled with surprise and a hint of nostalgia.

You smile softly, picking up the photo and holding it between your fingers. “Yeah, I kept a lot of our photos.”

Natasha studies the image, a mixture of emotions crossing her face. “I remember this day,” she says quietly. “We were so young.”

“Seems like a lifetime ago,” You reply, memories flooding back as you gaze at the picture together.

Natasha nods, setting the photo down gently. “Thank you for keeping these.”

“They’re memories I couldn’t bear to part with,” You admit, your voice softening with emotion. “Even during the tough times, they reminded me of the good.”

Natasha reaches out, placing her hand over yours. “I’m glad you kept them,” she says sincerely.

“Come here,” You say softly, pulling her closer to you on the couch. The evening had started feeling more like a cordial business meeting than a date with your ex-wife.

Natasha moves closer, resting her head against your shoulder. The feel of the room shifts as you both sit quietly, the weight of unspoken words and shared memories hanging in the air. Despite the initial nerves and uncertainty, being close like this feels natural, comforting even.

“You know,” Natasha starts, her voice gentle, “I’ve missed this.”

“Me too,” You admit, your voice barely above a whisper. “I’ve missed us.”

Natasha nods, her fingers intertwining with yours. “So, what do you do in here all day? Read books? I can guarantee you haven’t opened any of those on that shelf.”

“I have read some,” you cringe, feeling a pang of guilt.

You hesitate, not wanting to admit that you've mostly been occupied with work and the gym. The truth is, you often didn't spend much time in this apartment to avoid feeling lonely.

Natasha squeezes your hand gently, sensing your discomfort. “It’s okay, you know,” she says softly. “You were doing what you needed to do.”

You sigh, grateful for her understanding. “I just didn’t want to be alone here.”

“I understand,” Natasha replies, her voice warm with empathy. “But you’re not alone anymore.”

“You know, I keep telling myself that I…” you begin, your voice trailing off. “I kind of isolated myself from everything and everyone. No one told me divorce would be so hard. I mean, I knew, but…”

Natasha listens, her eyes soft with understanding. “But living through it is something else entirely,” she finishes for you.

“Exactly,” You sigh, feeling the weight of the past few months settle heavily. “I threw myself into work and the gym, anything to keep from being alone in this place. It was too quiet, too empty.”

Natasha squeezes your hand gently. “I get it. It’s hard to face that kind of loneliness.”

“I didn’t want to admit it,” You continue. “But being without you and the kids… it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

Natasha nods, her eyes reflecting a mix of empathy and regret. “I felt it too. It’s why I pushed so hard for us to try again. I believe we can do this.”

“I believe it too,” you say softly, kissing her head. “What do you say we try out this cooking thing? I had all of the groceries delivered this morning. You had a pretty extensive list.”

Natasha laughs lightly, the sound bringing warmth to the room. “I do tend to go all out with my lists. What’s on the menu?”

You stand up, offering her a hand. “Let’s find out. I didn’t peek too much, so it’ll be a surprise for both of us.”

Natasha takes your hand, and you both head to the kitchen. You open the fridge to take out all of the ingredients you have. 

“Okay,” she says, rolling up her sleeves. “Let’s see what we’ve got here.”

You start unpacking the bags together, revealing fresh vegetables, herbs, various spices, and a selection of meats. It’s a well-thought-out collection. 

“Looks like we’re making a feast,” you comment, holding up a bunch of fresh basil. “What should we start with?”

Natasha glances over the ingredients, her eyes lighting up with excitement. “How about a nice stroganoff dish? We can make a salad to go with it.”

“Sounds perfect,” you agree, feeling a sense of anticipation. Cooking together feels like a new step in rekindling your relationship, it’s one of the things you used to delight in doing together. 

As you chop vegetables and prepare the meal, the kitchen fills with the delicious smell of fresh ingredients and simmering sauce. The act of cooking together, sharing tasks, and the laughter, brings a sense of normalcy and joy.

It feels intimate and cozy as you navigate the kitchen together. Natasha’s subtle touches against your skin make you feel even more worthy of her being here. Each brush of her hand, every shared glance, adds to the warmth of the evening.

“Hand me the mushrooms?” Natasha asks, her fingers lightly grazing yours as she takes the bowl.

“Sure thing,” You reply, enjoying the simple task of cooking side by side. The smell of the beef stroganoff simmering on the stove and the roasted beets wafting from the oven fills the room. 

As you roll out the pie crust for an apple pie, Natasha leans over your shoulder, her breath warm against your ear. “You’re really good at this, you know.”

“Thanks,” You say, smiling. “It’s nice to have someone to cook for.”

When everything is ready, you set the table together, this is the first time in weeks you’ve actually sat at this dining table. 

“This is amazing,” Natasha says, savoring a forkful of the beef. “You’ve outdone yourself.”

“Only because I had the best partner,” you reply, feeling a warmth spread through you.

“We do make a great team,” Natasha agrees, sipping from her wine glass. The comfortable silence that follows is filled with the soft clinking of silverware and the faint noises of the city outside. 

You take a moment to appreciate the moment before deciding to dive deeper into conversation. “So, what have you been up to at work lately?” you ask, genuinely curious.

Natasha sets her glass down, her expression is thoughtful. “Work’s been busy, as always. We’ve had a few high-profile cases come in. It’s been challenging, but I enjoy it. Keeps me on my toes.”

“That sounds intense,” You say, nodding. “But you’ve always thrived in that environment. I’m on sabbatical, as you know, so it’s a bit different for me.”

“How are you handling that?” Natasha asks. 

“It’s been an adjustment,” You admit. “I’m not used to having so much free time. I’ve been trying to stay busy, hitting the gym a lot. Visiting my parents. Tony’s been surprisingly understanding about it, though. He knows I needed the break.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Natasha takes another bite of her meal. Her smile fades slightly as she looks down at her plate. She hesitates before speaking again. “Can I ask you something that’s been on my mind?”

“Of course,” You say, your heart rate quickening slightly at her serious tone.

“Have you… seen anyone else during our time apart?” She asks, her voice soft but steady.

You take a deep breath, appreciating her honesty. “No, I haven’t,” you say, meeting her gaze. “I couldn’t even think about it. I’ve been too focused on everything else, and honestly, I wasn’t ready.”

Natasha looks relieved, her shoulders relaxing. “I’m glad to hear that. I’ve been worried about it.”

“I understand,” You say, squeezing her hand gently. “It’s natural to wonder. What about you?”

“No,” she says, shaking her head. “I couldn’t either. I just… needed time to process everything.”

You both fall silent for a moment, the weight of the conversation settling in. But there’s a sense of relief too, knowing that despite the time apart, neither of you sought comfort elsewhere.

“Thank you for being honest,” you say, breaking the silence. “It means a lot to me.”

“Thank you too,” Natasha replies, her eyes softening. “I’m really glad we’re talking about this.”

“I know we’ve talked a little bit here and there but,” You wipe your mouth with a napkin. “I never stopped loving you. I just..I was confused. We were hurting each other. I needed it to stop. It had gone on for so long and-

Natasha reaches out, her hand covering yours. “I understand,” she says softly. “It was hard for both of us. We were caught in a cycle of pain and neither of us knew how to break free.”

You nod, feeling a lump in your throat. “Exactly. I thought maybe some distance would help, give us both a chance to breathe and figure things out. But it didn’t change how I felt about you. It never could.”

Natasha’s eyes glisten with unshed tears. “I never stopped loving you either. Even when things were at their worst, a part of me always held on to the hope that we could find our way back to each other.”

You squeeze her hand, drawing strength from her words. “I’m glad we’re trying again. I want to make things right, to be better for you, for our family.”

She nods, her thumb gently stroking the back of your hand. “We’ll take it one day at a time. We’ve both changed, and that’s okay. We just need to be patient with each other and ourselves.”

You take a deep breath, feeling a sense of peace settle over you. “Agreed. And for what it’s worth, I think we’re off to a good start.”

Natasha smiles a genuine, warm smile that reaches her eyes. “I think so too.”

As you clear the dishes together, the comfortable silence between you feels reassuring. There’s no rush, no pressure, just the quiet understanding that you’re both committed to making this work. It’s a start, and for now, that’s enough.

“I don’t want you to go home just yet…” you mention as you both sit against the couch, much in the same position as earlier.

Natasha looks at you, her expression softening. “I don’t want to go home yet either,” she admits. “It feels good to be here with you.”

"Stay a little longer.” 

Natasha smiles, leaning her head on your shoulder. “I’d like that.”

 The only thing is, with you and Natasha, things never remain simple or quiet for that matter. You turn your head slightly, meeting her eyes, and in that moment, the unspoken words between you become clear.

Before you can overthink it, you lean in, capturing her lips in a soft, lingering kiss. Natasha responds immediately, her hand moving to the back of your neck, deepening the kiss. It’s a kiss filled with longing, love, and a promise of a renewed connection.

When you finally pull back, both of you are breathless. Natasha rests her forehead against yours, her eyes closed. “I want you,” she whispers.

“I want you too,” You reply, your voice equally soft. Your lips meet in another kiss that has Natasha moaning into your mouth. The heat between you is tangible as if it could be felt despite the slight chill in the room. Natasha’s hands trail down your body, tracing the skin under your shirt, as you nibble her bottom lip. You lean back against the pillows of the couch. 

Your fingers brush against the soft skin of her neck, causing her to shiver with pleasure. She makes a move to lift your shirt over your head and you waste no time throwing it on the opposite side of the room. She uses her nimble fingers to release your breasts from their confines revealing your bare chest. You look into her darkened eyes, finding lust and desire coursing through them. 

You lift your head further, your hands finding her waist, as she leans into your touch. You kiss her again, her lips parting slightly as your tongue slips into her mouth. Your bodies fit together perfectly as if they were made for each other. 

“Bedroom?” Natasha suggests as your kisses lead further down her neck. You offer a gentle bite against her clavicle, delighting in the hiss you receive from her. “Y/n?” She presses gently against your shoulder when she doesn’t receive an answer. 

“Yes, right,” You place one last kiss against her neck before she stands. 

Natasha takes your hand, leading you towards the bedroom. The room is dimly lit, with just enough light from outside to create a warm, intimate atmosphere. Your bed is scattered with pillows and blankets, inviting you both to fall into it and lose yourselves in each other's arms.

As you step inside the room, Natasha turns to face you. Her green eyes are shining with excitement, and she bites her lower lip lightly.

“Where do you want me?” She asks. 

“On the bed,” You gesture.

“Here?” she asks, her voice barely above a whisper. She sits patiently, her legs slightly spread, as you unbutton and push your jeans down your body. You step between her legs, your hips swinging provocatively as you come closer. 

Natasha reaches up, her fingers brushing against your cheek as she leans in to kiss you. The kiss is slow and sensual, igniting a fire in your core. As she deepens the kiss, her hands wander down your body.

“I’ve wanted this for so long,” You murmur. “Wanted you.”  

“You have me,” Natasha responds. You gently press against her chest, pushing her down against the bed. She rests against her elbows, watching as you unbutton her pants, and slide them down her legs. The smell of her arousal hits you and you close your eyes as you rest your nose against her pelvis. 

“You smell so good, baby,” You land several kisses against her mound before kissing a trail up to her lips. 

"Yes, I've already informed Mr. Davis about the new evidence. We'll review it before the meeting at 10 a.m.," You said, your voice calm and efficient. "Thank you, Susan. See you then." You confirmed as you stood at the counter, slicing fresh vegetables for your breakfast scramble, while Natasha stirred eggs and bacon in a sizzling pan. The smell of cooking filled the air, blending with the quiet sounds of the slow morning routine. You glanced up from your chopping, a small smile on your lips. You loved watching her concentrate on something as simple as cooking. 

“I have back-to-back meetings today,” You sighed as you set your cell phone on the counter. 

“Sounds like a busy morning,” Natasha commented as she reached into the fridge to grab bell peppers for you to dice. You hum in acknowledgment. You passed her the things you’d already chopped to get started on something else. 

"I’m heading to the shelter after work today," You said casually. "They need extra hands for the evening shift."

Natasha turned, a curious look on her face. "Volunteering again? You don’t quit," she said. "You’re going to tire yourself out.” 

You paused, realizing how packed your schedule had become lately. "I know, but it’s important to me," you replied, glancing at Natasha with guilt. "And it’s just a few hours. I’ll be home before dinner. Brandon has Willow for the day. We’re free tonight."

Natasha nodded, her expression softening. "I know you care. Just don’t forget to take care of yourself too."

You smiled gratefully at her, appreciating her understanding. "I won’t forget.”

“Speaking of not forgetting, you’ve set time aside for the insemination appointment tomorrow, right?” Natasha turned off the stove, maneuvering around you to place an omelet on each plate.

“Insemination appointment?” You narrowed your eyes, a flicker of concern crossing your face. “Right, what time is that again?” you asked, trying to hide the uncertainty in your voice. 

Natasha paused, noticing your hesitation. She reached over to gently squeeze your hand. “It’s at 9 a.m. I mentioned it last week, remember?”

You nodded slowly, the memory coming back to you. “Right, 9 a.m.,” You repeated, trying to reassure both Natasha and yourself. “It’s stored up here.” You knocked on your head. You grabbed a protein shake from the fridge and cracked it open. Natasha watched you for a few seconds more. 

“You don’t sound so enthused about it,” She pointed out. “It’s not like you to forget something as important as that. If you’re having second thoughts about us having a baby we can-” 

Natasha’s words hung in the air, her concern palpable. You paused, setting down the protein shake and turning to face her fully. The mix of emotions — nerves, excitement, and a touch of apprehension — played across your features.

“It’s not that,” You began softly, reaching out to take Natasha’s hands in yours. “I want this more than anything. It’s just… everything feels so overwhelming sometimes. Between work, volunteering, and now this…” Your voice trailed off, unsure how to articulate the jumble of emotions swirling inside you. “This being our second round. It just feels…” You stepped closer to her as she reached out her arms for you. 

Natasha’s expression softened, her thumb gently stroking your hand. “We don’t have to do this if you’re not ready,” she said quietly, her love and understanding evident in her eyes.

You shook your head, squeezing her hands reassuringly. “No, I am ready. I know I am. It’s just a lot to take in, you know?” You admitted, feeling a weight lift off your shoulders as you spoke your truth. “I want this for us. We talked about it.”

“And it was my idea in the first place,” Natasha mentioned. “I don’t want you to feel pressured. If a baby isn’t something you want we can just shelve it or reschedule.” 

Natasha’s voice was calm and steady, her concern evident as she watched you closely. Her willingness to accommodate your feelings touched you deeply. 

“I appreciate that,” You replied sincerely, your eyes meeting hers with gratitude. “But I want this, Natasha. I really do. I may be nervous, but I’ve never been surer about anything in my life.”

Natasha smiled warmly, pulling you into a tight hug. “Then that’s all that matters,” she murmured against your ear, her arms holding you close.

“I will be at the appointment,” You said pointedly as you pulled away. You sat on the stool right next to her. 

“What appointment?” Brandon your brother asked as he carried a half-dressed Willow into the kitchen. He shook his head. He didn’t have the time to question it. He reached over to your plate, scooping a mouthful of eggs.“Sorry, we’re running late for preschool. I have class in about forty minutes so we have to rush. Can one of you tell her to put her shoes on?” He begged knowing she would listen to you. 

“Hi, Mama,” Willow waved as Brandon set her down on her feet. She raced straight for Natasha and held her arms out expectantly. 

Natasha smiled warmly, scooping Willow up into her arms. “Hey, sweetie! Let’s get those shoes on, okay?”

You chuckled softly, watching the familiar scene unfold. “We’ve got it covered, Brandon. Go ahead, we’ll take care of the shoes and school.”

Brandon nodded gratefully, quickly grabbing his things before heading toward the door. “Thanks, guys! See you later, Willow. Love you!”

“Bye, Daddy!” Willow called out cheerfully, wiggling her toes as Natasha gently slipped on her shoes.

Natasha glanced over at you with a fond smile. “Looks like we’re on shoe duty,” she teased gently, her eyes sparkling with affection. 

You nodded, feeling a warm sense of contentment settle over you as you helped Willow get ready for her day. Moments like these reminded you of the family you were building together. Soon there would be two little people running around. It didn’t sound so bad. 

***********

"I know you've been worried," You murmured, your voice barely above a whisper. "About whether I'm still... in this."

Natasha tightened her hold on you, rubbing her fingers across your bare skin. "I... I just want this so much for us," she admitted quietly. 

"Natasha, I am in this," You reassured, your words steady and earnest. "I want a baby too. You’ve never had to convince me. Not truly. Having a family with you is a dream. Whatever that looks like for us. We will get there.” 

Natasha rested her chin on your shoulder, her breath warm against your neck. "I know," she whispered, her voice trembling slightly. "It's just... sometimes I worry that I'm not doing enough, that I can't give you everything you deserve."

"You give me everything," You said firmly, your eyes locking with Natasha's. "I don’t want you to doubt yourself or worry.” 

Natasha pressed a kiss to your forehead. She felt more at ease about this entire thing. 

*************

Coming to the doctor’s office isn’t always the breath of fresh air you wish it to be. You dislike hospitals and by extension this clinic. The examination room is cool and sterile, the hum of medical equipment a constant background noise. You lay on the padded table, your hand clasped tightly in Natasha's. You tried to think on the bright side of all this. You would be pregnant. There would be a happy baby with your skin and Natasha’s smile. Your treasure at the end of the rainbow. 

Dr. Patel entered the room, her demeanor calm and professional. "Y/n, Natasha, good to see you both," she greeted warmly. "Are you ready to get started?"

You nodded, your grip on Natasha's hand tightening slightly. "Yes, we're ready."

Natasha gave you an encouraging smile. "We're in this together," she whispered, kissing your knuckles. All you needed was her comfort right now. 

Dr. Patel moved to the end of the table, preparing the necessary instruments. "This will be a quick procedure," she explained. "I’ll walk you through each step as we go."

You took a deep breath, focusing on Natasha's reassuring presence by her side. "We've got this," you murmured, more to yourself than anyone else.

Natasha leaned in closer, her thumb gently stroking your hand. "We do," she affirmed softly.

You took another deep breath as the nurse positioned the ultrasound equipment on your abdomen. The cool gel and gentle pressure of the transducer were a familiar sensation, grounding you in the moment. This was the easy part. 

After a bunch of medical stuff you’d rather not remember you could hear the murmur of the staff talking with each other. 

"The embryos are ready," the embryologist announced, handing the catheter containing the precious cargo to Dr. Patel.

She began the procedure, her movements precise and efficient. "I'm going to insert the catheter now," she explained. "You might feel a little pressure, but it shouldn’t be painful."

You nodded, your eyes never leaving Natasha's. As the procedure progressed, the room seemed to shrink around you, the outside world fading away. It was just the two of you, your hopes and dreams intertwined in this pivotal moment.

Natasha leaned closer, her voice a soothing whisper. "We’re almost there, love. Just breathe."

You nodded, her grip tightening as Dr. Patel carefully inserted the catheter through your cervix and into your uterus. The room was silent, save for the soft hum of the ultrasound machine, as everyone focused on the delicate task.

After a few minutes, Dr. Patel finished the insemination and stepped back. "All done," she said with a reassuring smile. "Now we wait. I’ll schedule a follow-up appointment in two weeks to check on everything."

You exhaled a breath you didn’t realize you were holding. "The second time’s the charm right?” You felt Natasha’s gentle kiss against your forehead. 

*********

Two lines. Two. The test was positive. Pregnant. Natasha’s baby was inside you. You were pregnant. The thought left you breathless and giddy. Here you were at home on a Monday afternoon, the only time you'd get alone in the house, staring at two pregnancy tests. You’d waited three weeks. It was hard to satiate Natasha's curiosity, but you wanted to be sure this time. And now, here you were, with two sticks confirming your dreams. You slid down onto the bathroom floor, overwhelmed. You could hardly believe it. There was a baby inside you.

There are so many people you want to call right now but you’d rather keep it to yourself. You want Natasha to be the first person to know. 

“Oh God!” You gasped, holding the sticks in your hands. You’re going to be a mom. You’re going to have a baby. There’s life growing inside of you.

A whirlwind of emotions surged through you—excitement, joy, and a touch of anxiety. The reality of it all was immense. Would you be a good mother? Could you balance your career and this new life you were bringing into the world? The questions swirled in your mind, but the overwhelming feeling was one of pure, unadulterated happiness.

You thought about Natasha's reaction. Her eyes lit up, her hands gently touching your stomach, the way she would pull you into a tight embrace, whispering promises of a beautiful future together. The thought made your heart swell with love and anticipation.

You stood up slowly, still clutching the pregnancy tests, and looked at your reflection in the mirror. A wide smile spread across your face, despite the tears that began to blur your vision. This was real. This was happening. You were going to be a mom. You and the love of your life are going to have a baby. 

*********

So you may have gone overboard with preparation. You only had a few hours until Natasha was home, but you wanted to make this special. You’d traveled to Target and then a few other stores to find the perfect little trinkets for a pregnancy announcement. 

Back home, you laid out your finds on the kitchen table: a tiny pair of Avengers-themed baby booties, the two pregnancy tests you’d taken earlier, and a baby onesie that read "Future Avenger in Training." You smiled, knowing how much Natasha would love the references. 

You set to work, arranging everything in a cute gift box. You carefully wrapped the baby booties in tissue paper and placed them at the bottom. On top, you added the pregnancy tests. Finally, you laid the onesie on top, its message visible as soon as the box was opened.

As you worked, a wave of excitement washed over you, momentarily pushing aside your earlier anxiety. This was your moment, and you wanted it to be perfect. You added a note to the box, written in your neatest handwriting:

"To my amazing wife, the strongest Avenger, and soon-to-be mom. I can't wait to embark on this incredible journey with you. Love, y/n."

With the box prepared, you set it in the living room, positioning it where Natasha would see it as soon as she walked in. You took a step back, admiring your handiwork. It was simple yet heartfelt, and you knew Natasha would appreciate the thought and effort you put into it.

Now, all that was left to do was wait. You glanced at the clock, feeling the minutes tick by slowly. Your heart raced with anticipation as you imagined Natasha's reaction. Would she cry? Laugh? Probably both, knowing her.

Finally, you heard the familiar sound of the front door opening. Natasha was home. You took a deep breath, steadying yourself as you prepared to share the most wonderful news. You could hear the subtle footsteps from Natasha as she shuffled through the foyer, dropping her keys in the bowl, before she made her way through the house. She didn’t even know you were home so she takes a little more time than usual. Finally, you became impatient. 

“Hey, babe,” You called out to her. “Can you come here?”

You heard the light shuffling of footsteps as Natasha made her way to the living room. She paused in the doorway, taking in the scene before her. The small gift box sat on the coffee table, your handwriting visible on the note.

"Y/N, what is this?" She asked, her voice laced with curiosity and a hint of amusement. “I didn’t know you’d be home so soon. I would have picked up food or something.”

“I’m not hungry,” You couldn't contain your grin as you motioned for her to open the box. "Just a little something I put together," you said coyly. "I think you'll like it."

Natasha picked up the box, her gaze darting between you and the gift. She read the note first, glancing at you with tears in her eyes before she opened the box. Her gasp was telling and her reaction was instant. She moved to hug you, pulling you tightly against her, and kissing your head. 

"Oh, y/n," she choked out, her emotions getting the best of her. "I can't believe it. We're going to be moms. Are you happy?"

You clung to her, your tears threatening to spill. "I know," you said, your voice thick with emotion. "I'm so happy, Tasha."

She pulled back slightly, her eyes shining with tears and pure joy. She cupped your cheek, stroking it gently with her thumb.

“We’re going to have a baby,” Natasha said. “Your belly’s going to get so big.” 

"I know," you giggled, imagining the future. "But it'll be worth it. To see you and our baby...it'll all be worth it."

She laughed, her face radiating pure joy. “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” She hugged you to her, lifting you off your feet and spinning in a circle. "I love you, I love you so much," She said.

"I love you too," You couldn't hold back the happy tears. "We're going to have a baby, Tasha."

"I can't believe it," She said, kissing you again. "I can't wait to tell everyone."

You couldn't stop smiling. This was truly the beginning of the rest of your lives.

********

After a lot of prompting, you and Natasha decided to keep everything a secret until the second trimester. Which was a feat within itself. There was so much you wanted to say. Your family was huge and so was Natasha’s. The entire Avengers team always knew all of your business but this time was different. You hadn’t even told Brandon yet as you wanted to keep this just between the two of you. 

You and Natasha had your little secret. A baby. Well, not a baby yet. 

“Our baby’s the size of a blueberry right now,” Natasha mentioned to you as you brushed your teeth. After a bout of morning sickness, you needed to feel clean. Your first appointment was today. Hopefully, you’d get to hear the baby’s heartbeat. “Maybe that’s what we should call him. Blueberry.” 

You smiled around your toothbrush, spitting the paste out into the sink. You rinsed and turned to look at Natasha. "That's actually a really cute name," you said. "It's unique and special. How are you so sure our baby is a boy?"

She shrugged, leaning against the doorway. "Just a feeling," she replied, a soft smile gracing her lips. "A mother's intuition."

"Well, you'll be the most badass boy mama there ever was," You leaned up to kiss her. 

“How do you like the name James?” She asked. 

“You’re already thinking of names too? You’re light years ahead of me,” You laughed. Natasha smiled, wrapping her arms around your waist and pulling you close. "James Romanoff-L/N," you said, testing the name out. "I love it."

"Me too," She agreed, kissing the side of your head. 

"What if Blueberry is a girl though? Would be pretty hard to walk around with that name."

Natasha chuckled. "Well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it," she replied. "But whatever we choose, I know they'll be perfect."

An hour later you’re lying in a familiar position, the transducer against your belly as you listen to OB/GYN talk. 

“You’re seven weeks today right?” Dr. Wendell estimated "According to your chart and baby's size."

Natasha looks at you, nodding her head. This is it. Your first sonogram.

She squeezes your hand, her eyes never leaving the screen. "This is so surreal," she whispered, her gaze transfixed on the black-and-white image.

You grinned, the excitement palpable. "I know," you murmured, your eyes locked on the grainy image.

You and Natasha both watched as the doctor maneuvered the transducer across your stomach, searching for the best angle. "There we go," she said after a moment, her finger tracing the tiny speck on the screen. "Your baby."

You gasped, the realization hitting you. "Our baby," you breathed, your heart swelling with love and joy. "Wow."

Natasha pressed a gentle kiss to the back of your hand, her eyes glistening with tears. "I can't believe we're really doing this," she said, her voice thick with emotion.

This picture was the most beautiful thing you’d ever seen. 

“In about 4 weeks you will be able to see the sex of the baby,” Dr. Wendell informed you. “You guys can come back then. For now, everything looks healthy.” 

"This is really happening," Natasha whispered, her eyes filled with wonder and joy. "We're going to be moms."

You leaned into her side, basking in the warmth of her presence. This was the happiest you’d ever been. 

********

Of course, with pregnancy comes pregnancy symptoms. Morning sickness, sensitive breasts, and fatigue. The fatigue had to be the worst part. You could fall asleep anywhere these days: at your desk, as soon as you got home, even in the shower. It’s a miracle you’d been able to keep up with everything. Which is why you said yes to tonight. Tony and the rest of the team were having a family dinner, and you wanted to be there. You wanted everything to be normal for you.

As you prepared for the evening, you felt a wave of exhaustion wash over you. You glanced at the clock, wishing for a quick nap but knowing you didn’t have time. Instead, you splashed cold water on your face, hoping it would give you the boost you needed to get through the night.

Natasha found you in the bathroom, her concerned eyes meeting yours in the mirror. “You okay?” she asked, wrapping her arms around you from behind.

“Just tired,” you admitted, leaning into her embrace. “But I really want to go tonight. I miss everyone.”

Natasha kissed your temple gently. “You sure? We can stay home and rest if you need to.”

You shook your head, turning to face her. “No, I want to go. I need a bit of normalcy. Besides, I miss seeing you with the team. It’ll be fun.”

Natasha studied your face for a moment before nodding. “Alright, but promise me you’ll let me know if you need to leave early. Your health comes first.”

“I promise,” you said, smiling up at her. 

“You’re starting to show,” She smirked. 

“Am I? It just looks like I ate a big breakfast,” You grinned as she rested her hand on your belly. 

"You're beautiful," she murmured, her hand resting protectively over your growing bump.

The dinner party was just the kind of escape you needed. Seeing all your friends, laughing, eating, and dancing made you happy . Keeping baby Romanoff a secret for a little while longer would be a feat but you could do it. 

The drive to Tony’s was filled with your usual banter, but you couldn’t ignore the growing fatigue. By the time you arrived, you were already craving your bed. Still, you put on a brave face, determined to enjoy the evening.

The warmth and laughter that greeted you as you walked into the compound made the effort worthwhile. It felt good to be surrounded by friends who were more like family.

As the night progressed, you found yourself slipping into conversations, laughing at Tony’s jokes, and watching Natasha interact with the team. She was in her element, and seeing her so happy filled your heart with joy.

But the fatigue was relentless. You found a quiet corner to sit down, hoping to rest for a moment without anyone noticing. Natasha, ever-attentive, quickly picked up on your exhaustion and made her way over to you.

“Hey, you holding up okay?” she asked, concern etched in her features.

“Yeah, just needed a breather,” You admitted, rubbing your tired eyes.

Natasha nodded and took your hand. “How about we sneak away early? I’m sure Tony will understand.”

You hesitated for a moment, glancing around at your friends. “No, I’m fine. I’m just going to go into the kitchen and drink some water. I want another hour.” 

“If you’re sure,” Natasha looked at you suspiciously. 

“I’m positive,” You nodded. 

Natasha helped you up and watched as you quietly walked into the kitchen. In the kitchen, you grabbed a glass and filled your cup with ice. The water was refreshing and freezing cold. Just as you liked it. The hot flashes were no joke either. 

“I believe congratulations are in order,” Wanda’s voice startled you as she entered the kitchen. 

“Wanda? How did you know?”

“I’m a witch remember?” She smiled. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell the others.” 

You chuckled, feeling relief at her promise. “Thanks, Wanda. It’s still early, and I want to keep it between Natasha and me for a bit longer.”

Wanda nodded understandingly. “Of course. How are you feeling?”

You took a deep breath, leaning against the counter. “Excited, anxious, exhausted… all of it. The symptoms are hitting me hard, but I’m managing.”

Wanda’s eyes softened with empathy. “If you need any support, magical or otherwise, you know you can count on me.”

“Thank you, Wanda. That means a lot,” you said sincerely.

She gave you a reassuring smile. “You’re going to be a great mom, y/n. And Natasha will be an amazing co-parent.”

Hearing those words, you felt a wave of emotion wash over you. “I hope so. We’ve wanted this for so long.”

Wanda placed a comforting hand on your shoulder. “You two are one of the strongest couples I know. You’ll handle whatever comes your way.”

You nodded, feeling bolstered by her words. “That means a lot, Wanda.”You smiled and took another sip of your water, the coldness helping to steady you. 

Together, you walked back into the living room. Natasha’s eyes met yours, her concern melting into a smile as she saw you were feeling better. You gave her a reassuring nod and rejoined the group, determined to make the most of the evening with your chosen family.

********

At night, as your pregnancy progressed, Natasha’s obsession with your baby became more apparent. You were barely showing and it was all she could think about. Whenever it was time for bed she’d spend a few minutes massaging your belly and grinning at you. "Blueberry is still a blueberry," You mentioned to her. "He's not going to turn into a watermelon overnight."

"I know, but I love feeling him," Natasha said, her voice full of awe. "And besides, blueberry is growing."

"Just barely," You joked. "I'm not even ten weeks yet."

Natasha chuckled, placing a soft kiss against your stomach. "Well, he's still the cutest little blueberry I've ever seen," she said.

"He is, isn't he?"

"How are you feeling?" Natasha said as she came up to look into your eyes. When her hand touches your breast accidentally she quickly apologizes. You've become way too sensitive and any form of touch, accidental or not practically sends you into shock.

"Sensitive," You answer truthfully. "I think the baby is making them grow."

"I've noticed," She smirks. "No morning sickness?"

"There's always that but it's manageable," You shrug.

She kisses your cheek, hugging you to her. "Good," she whispers, her hands coming down to rest on your stomach again. "I want the both of you healthy."

"I'm trying my best," You reassure her.

"I know," She said. "But you're still my responsibility."

"Oh, is that what we're calling it?"

"Yes, I'm the boss," She kissed you softly.

"Well, boss, can you cut the lights out, I'd like to sleep now," You closed your eyes.

"As you wish,"  She turns off the lights before spooning you. She holds you close, one arm wrapped securely around your waist, her hand resting on your stomach. "Sleep well, my loves."

*********

Nine weeks, two days, and five hours. That’s how long you got to spend with blueberry safely housed inside of you. You’d woken up that morning like any other day. It’s a PTO day. You, Natasha, and Willow were supposed to spend it in the park. When you opened your eyes, you felt an unsettling feeling in the base of your belly. A slight ache you’d never experienced before. Dr. Wendell and Dr. Patel mentioned there would be some cramping but this felt different. The moment you felt a slight wetness between your thighs you knew. 

You slipped from the bed, hoping not to wake Natasha, as you rushed into your ensuite bathroom. 

In one swift motion, you'd thrown the toilet lid up and pushed your panties down.

It was too late.

You'd caught sight of the bright red stain on the once pristine white cotton and immediately burst into tears.

This was all the confirmation you needed. It was over. Blueberry was gone.

Spotting is normal too. You’d read countless online articles that confirmed this very thing. This isn't spotting. You reach blindly for toilet paper, tearing off a decent amount, before you wipe. It won't stop. There's so much. So much.

You're shaking as you kick your underwear to the side, the stain obvious now. You can't help but cry as you stumble over to the bathtub. You know you should get Natasha. You should yell out to her and she would come running. Instead, you lock the door. You turn on the shower and position yourself against the bottom of the tub. The dull ache is now stronger. There's nothing anyone can do for you.

You don't remember how long you sat under the warm spray of the water. The tears wouldn’t stop. They keep flowing like a never-ending stream. You couldn’t breathe.

Outside of the bathroom, Natasha awakened to find your side of the bed empty. She hummed contently as she stretched before she reached out to pull you closer. Only you aren't there.

"Y/n?" Natasha called out, her eyes searching the room. When you didn’t respond, she frowned. "Y/n? Babe, where are you?"

Natasha pulled herself out of bed, her brow furrowed as she searched the room. The bathroom door was closed, and she could hear the faint sound of running water.

"Y/n?" Natasha tried the doorknob, but it was locked.

Natasha frowned, concern etched on her face. "Y/n, open the door," she called out, her voice slightly muffled by the door.

There was no answer.

Natasha jiggled the handle again, more forcefully this time. You never truly lock doors. Natasha doesn't want to break the door down. She needed you to open it.

"Babe, please, open the door," Natasha pleaded, her voice laced with worry. "You're scaring me."

"Go away," You yelled back weakly. "I'm fine. Just please go away." You don't want her to see you like this. You don't want her to know that you lost the baby. You don't want to disappoint her. You couldn't be the one who failed.

"I'm not going anywhere," Natasha replied, her tone firm. "Now, open the door."

"No!" You cried out, your voice was raw with emotion. "Please, just leave me alone."

"Y/n," Natasha's voice was soft, but you can hear the underlying concern. "Please, just let me in. Whatever it is, we can get through it together." Natasha doesn't wait a moment longer. She squared her shoulders and kicked the door down. The sound of wood splintering is the only sound you can hear as the door gives way.

"Oh, y/n," Natasha gasped as she took in the scene before her. The tub was half-full of water and the bottom was stained red. Her eyes flew to you half awake and lying tiredly against the cold tile. You're sitting in a pool of blood. Natasha immediately rushed over to you, her eyes filled with concern and worry. "Y/n, baby. I think we need to go to a hospital. " She swallowed thickly.

"No," You choke out, shaking your head. "No, I hate hospitals."

"There's too much blood, y/n," Natasha attempted to convince you.

"I'll be fine," You said, your voice trembling slightly. "Just need to stay in the shower a little longer."

Natasha shook her head. "We don't have any longer. You can't stay like this. Baby, I can't let you stay like this." She turned off the water, calling out for Brandon as she began to scoop you up. You crumple in her arms, whimpering at the pain you feel from the movement. "I'm sorry baby. I know it hurts. I'm going to take you to a hospital."

"Nat," You mumbled.

"What is it, baby? What can I do?" She asked, her eyes searching yours.

"Don't let go."

"Never."

"What's going on?" Brandon tiredly stepped into your ensuite. He didn’t need to ask as he spotted the blood. "Holy fuck, what do you need me to do? I'll drive you."

"No, you have Willow," Natasha murmured. She was unsure what to do but she knew she needed to act fast. "I am going to drive her. Just call ahead and let them know we're coming."

Brandon nodded, already heading out the door. "Will do."

"I've got you," Natasha whispered as she carried you through the apartment. She held you tightly, her arms wrapped protectively around you.

"I'm sorry," You whimpered into her neck tiredly. You were in so much pain. The cramps were excruciating.

"It's not your fault, baby. None of this is your fault," Natasha reassured you, her voice filled with emotion.

"I'm sorry," You whispered again. It was all you could say.

"Shh, don't apologize," Natasha soothed. "You did nothing wrong."

Natasha managed to get you into her car without causing too much distress. Your clothes were soaked through with blood, but you didn't care. She just needed to get help. 

***********

These kinds of things happen they say. There’s not always an answer. It’s crazy how just a few weeks ago you’d gotten a heartbeat. You’d been able to see your baby’s tiny little body on a screen and now nothing. You feel empty. Stepping back into your home, to no baby, no future. 

It's like everything has changed. It's as if the color has faded and the world has lost its luster. Everything feels hollow. There's a deep emptiness inside of you.

"Let's get you to bed," Natasha murmured, her arms tight around you as she guided you to the bedroom. After spending three days in the hospital coming home felt weird. She'd asked Brandon to hire cleaners to come and tidy everything. She'd paid them a hefty amount to make sure no trace or memory of what happened that day was here.

You were quiet as Natasha helped you into bed, her hands gentle as she pulled the covers over you. You lay there, staring blankly at the wall, the ache in your chest only growing with each passing moment.

"Do you need anything?" She asked. Her voice was soft and soothing, but you couldn't bring yourself to respond.

You didn't deserve this. This is a punishment. A test. For what you can't say but that's the only explanation.

You hadn't spoken since before she brought you to the hospital. You couldn't bring yourself to speak. Natasha had been by your side the whole time, never leaving you alone. She'd held your hand, rubbed your back, and even sang softly to you. But nothing she did seemed to reach you. She felt hopeless.

She took one last look at you before she stood.

"I want the ultrasound picture," You requested quietly.

"Of course, love?" She searched your nightstand for it. It pained her to look at it too.

"And the little booties,"

Natasha handed you the photo and booties, watching as you cradled them close to your chest. She could see the tears welling in your eyes.

"Can I hold you?" She asked. You hadn't been open to her touch and comfort so it was a bit of a long shot.

You nodded, holding your arms out for her. She crawled into bed, curling up beside you. You leaned into her, resting your head on her shoulder. She wrapped her arms around you, pulling you closer.

"I'm sorry, Nat," You began. "I'm sorry I lost our baby."

"Don't apologize, love," Natasha whispered. "This isn't your fault. These things just happen. There was nothing you could have done. I know how much you wanted this. How much we both wanted this." You could try again. That part was left unsaid. Only because she knows you and knew it wouldn't be comforting in the slightest.

"This is the second time," You furrowed your brows. "This was our second try. I did everything right. Right? I took all of my vitamins. I only exercised lightly." You were starting to ramble.

"You were perfect," Natasha reassured you. "You are perfect. This doesn't mean that it will never happen. There's still a chance."

"What if it doesn't happen?" You whispered. You swallowed thickly. "I don't think I want to try again. Please don't make me go through that again."

Natasha stroked your hair, pressing a soft kiss against the top of your head. "Whatever you want, love. I'll support you."

"I'm not sure how to feel," You confessed. "I know I didn't act like it at times. I wanted this baby. I wanted him. He was mine. He was ours. We were so close to our dream."

"We were," Natasha agreed.

"Why is this so hard?" You cried, burying your face into her chest.

"I don't know, love," Natasha soothed, rubbing circles on your back.

"I wanted to welcome him into this world," You sobbed. "We won't get to do that. He won't get to experience anything. His heart was beating and then it stopped. Why? Why did it stop?"

"Shh," Natasha soothed. If she didn't calm you down soon you were going to become hysterical.

"He was a baby. A precious innocent little baby. We made a baby. We were pregnant," You cried, clinging to her. "Why does everything have to be so fucking hard? It's not fair."

"I know, baby. I know," Natasha whispered, stroking your hair. "It's okay. Let it out. Just let it out."

You couldn't stop crying. You sobbed and sobbed.

How could you ever be okay after this? A baby with Natasha was all you wanted. A family with your wife. His heartbeat was the most beautiful music you'd ever heard. And it's gone.

Your cries soon turn into soft whimpers and your whimpers turn into sniffles. The room is silent. Natasha continues to hold you, her arms tight around you.

You’re late. You’re really late. Not even just an ‘oh I got stuck in traffic I’ll be there late”. You’re the “I hope my daughter doesn’t hate me and harbor those feelings the rest of her life late.” As you bob and weave through traffic in your BMW SUV you curse to yourself. You feel stupid. Very stupid. There’s no way you can ever make up for this but you can certainly try to.

As you pull onto the street of what was once your home you squint just a little to see how many people are still there. You can see the cars lining the street start to dissipate as you pull into the driveway. Natasha is on the porch talking to one of the people you recognize from Emma’s dance class. She spots you, rolling her eyes and angling herself, so you’re not in her vision. Parking the car, you look over to the passenger’s seat where Emma’s gift is wrapped in yellow paper (her favorite color) and a bright pink bow. You turn the car off with a sigh. You really did it this time. You unbuckle your seatbelt and reach over to grab the present and exit. You walk slowly up the pathway marveling at all of the decorations that Natasha has put up for Emma’s fifth birthday.

Five. Your baby girl is five and you’ve missed her birthday party. One Natasha had gracefully invited you to. Briefly, your mind flashes back to the mornings where you and Natasha would wake the little girl up with breakfast in bed. Mini pancakes, strawberries, her favorite juice. You would go the whole nine yards for her. Now you’ve done everything but that. You reach the edge of the steps with a small wave to Natasha’s guests.

“Kerry, Doug, nice to see you again.” You give them a tight smile hoping to appear calm even though don’t feel that way.

“I’ll call you,” Natasha says bidding them goodbye. She doesn’t speak until they’re down the path and in their car. She trails her eyes over to you still in your work clothes with an apologetic look on your face. “Unbelievable.” She scoffs turning to go inside the house. You follow after her with an apology at the tip of your tongue. She starts collecting the trash she sees around the living room.

“I’m sorry, I got sidetracked at work,” You begin.

“You don’t have to apologize to me.” She shrugs. Pushing her hair behind her ear she glances at you. “I’m not the one turning five and I’m not your wife.” Something about the last part of that statement strikes you right in the heart. The divorce has been finalized for eight months now. Eight months and you’ve barely seen each other. Only during pickups and drop-offs. Even then you barely speak. Hearing her voice is...nice. Even if she is angry with you.

“I know but I’m really making an ass of myself,” You shake your head. “Where is she?”

“Backyard,” She answers.

“She must hate me,” You mutter more to yourself.

“She doesn’t hate you,” Natasha walks to the kitchen and again you follow. “She’s just really confused on why her Mommy said she would be here and wasn’t.” She gives another wave to one of the last guests and they trickle out of the house.

“Yeah,” You say following closely behind her. She stuffs the trash into the bin carefully.

As she stands to her full height you take a second to look at her. She’s gorgeous. Her hair flows behind her back longer than she’s ever let herself allow it to. Her eyes are just as expressive and beautiful. God, you’ve missed her.

You open your mouth to speak but you’re interrupted when a familiar figure steps into view. Richard Matthews. An agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. and Natasha’s new partner. He accompanies the Avengers on missions every now and again. You’re not exactly sure why but he’s always paired up with Natasha on missions and it never really bothered you until now.

“Everything’s all set with the kiddos,” Richard says to her. He completely ignores you and you can’t really tell if that’s intentional. The way he steps into Natasha’s space makes you think they’re closer than she’s letting on. “Emma’s having a blast with the new American doll I got. Says she’s gonna sleep with it tonight.” He smiles down at Natasha. “Will you be okay here? Ryan helped me with a lot of the backyard so there’s not much else to clean.”

“Yeah, I got it.” Natasha nods glancing over at you. She can see how uncomfortable Richard makes you feel. “Thank you, Richard.” She raises her hand to rest lightly on his bicep. You narrow your eyes. Clearing your throat they both look towards you.

“Oh, y/n, I didn’t see you there.” Richard feigns innocence.

“I’m sure you didn’t, Dick.” You say with every ounce of disdain. You can see Natasha’s lips quirk in amusement but she quickly hides it.

“Well, I’m gonna go.” He says before giving her a kiss on the cheek. He lingers before walking past you towards the front door. You two don’t break eye contact until he’s gone.

“That guy is a real tool,” You roll your eyes.

“He’s nice and he’s a part of the team.” Natasha shrugs. She steps over to the sink to do the dishes giving you the idea that this entire conversation is over. You want to ask her if she’s seeing him. If he’s more than just her partner. You’re not entitled to any of those answers and Natasha won’t be afraid to tell you.

“I’m just gonna go,” You wave the gift in your hand heading towards the back door. Once you’re out there you finally exhale. From the porch, you can see the giant pink bounce castle that both of your children are currently playing in. You go down the steps content to watch them for a moment. It’s Ryan who spots you first. Before all of this, he would have scrambled out of the bounce house to meet you halfway. Instead, he just stands there.

“Mommy!” Emma breaks you from your trance flopping onto her bottom. She slides out of the bounce house to run into your arms. You catch her twirling around in your arms. “You came!”

“I did, baby girl.” You kiss both of her cheeks.

“You missed my party though,” She reminds you.

“I know, Mommy’s so sorry,”

“It’s okay,” Emma forgives you. She wraps her arms tightly around your neck again.

“I got you something,” You jiggle the box in your hand. She leans back to inspect it her eyes widening. “Let’s go ahead and open it.” You let her down to stand on her own two feet. She takes your hand dragging you over to the picnic table on the other side of the yard. She’s small so it takes her a minute to sit correctly but when she does she beams up at you. Her socked feet swing underneath the table as she waits for you to hand her the present. You place it in front of her and take your spot next to her. She doesn’t hesitate to rip into the paper tossing the bow somewhere in the grass behind her. You can hear the sound of someone sliding out of the bounce house and you look over to see Ryan stepping closer.

“Hey bud,” You greet.

“Hi,” He says softly. You raise an arm beckoning him over to come to give you a hug. He presses himself against you as you hold him close. “I missed you.” He mumbles into your neck. Through this entire divorce, your relationship with him has been strained. Everything has been strained.

“I missed you too.” You whisper back. You give him a soothing kiss on his head. He doesn’t let you go as you both watch Emma to see her reaction.

“Wow!” She says pulling the last pieces of paper from the gift. She turns the box over and over in her hands. “I got a watch!” It’s not some fancy watch. You’re not that out of touch with reality. It’s an Apple watch. The most she can do on the thing is take pictures, use the phone features, and use a calculator. She loves it all the same as she hugs the box to her. After hearing what Richard got her you were apprehensive about it being enough. Sitting here watching her cherish this gift you know you picked correctly. “Can I call you on it?” You nod. “Every night?” You nod again. “Cool!” She cheers.

There’s a squeak coming from the back door and you know Natasha has come to the back porch.

“Can I go show Mama?” She asks you.

“Go, show her.” She turns from the picnic table rushing over to Natasha to show off her cool new present. Natasha looks down at the box and then back to you with a raise of her brow. She doesn’t share in Emma’s excitement but she tells the girl how cool it is.

“How are you doing?” You turn your focus to Ryan. He shrugs. “You sure?” He nods silently.

“Ryan, come on, it’s almost bedtime,” Natasha says. “I want to check your backpack before the night is over.” She ushers Emma inside.

“Guess we better go and check those backpacks.” You say rising to your feet. Ryan clasps your hand in his and you both move to walk inside of the house. It’s there Natasha is setting up Emma’s watch. “Patience, Printsessa.” Natasha scolds lightly. She presses a few buttons on the screen.

“Can Mommy stay for bath time?” Emma asks innocently. Your eyes fly to Natasha’s. You haven’t done that in a while.

“Please?” Ryan joins in. Natasha’s resolve is broken as she gives a meek “yes.” The children cheer in unison.

Guess you’re staying for bedtime.

This takes almost two hours to get both children through their nightly routine. Emma is more reluctant to fall asleep as she doesn’t want to miss you leaving. You tuck her into bed with a kiss and a promise to see her again soon. She pulls the American girl doll under the covers with her. You wait for her to fall asleep before leaving her room. Ryan is next and he’s much easier. He climbs into bed all on his own with his back turned to you. He’s conflicted and you being here is not making it easy on him. You sit on the bed beside him. You press a kiss to the back of his head.

“I love you,” You say before reaching over to turn off his lamp. You exit his room leaving his door cracked. You amble down the hallway to the stairs. You find Natasha in the front room gathering all of Emma’s new presents that she would put into their proper place later.

“Thanks for letting me stay to tell them goodnight,” You say awkwardly.

“Don’t mention it,” She dismisses tossing the last of the toys into a pile. The house is pretty much clean now save for the leftovers she has to put away. She’s not kicking you out as you follow her down the same path into the kitchen.

“Natasha,” You begin. stopping yourself when you realize you don’t really have anything to say. “Thank you for inviting me. I know you didn’t have to do that. I feel like a jerk. Especially with how things have been going.”

“How have things been going?” Natasha busies herself with pushing the leftovers into whatever Tupperware they can fit into. She curses turning to look for a lid for this particular bowl. “Where is it?” She searches.

“Bottom right cabinet,” You inform her. She pauses before moving over to search the cabinet you gave her. She finds what she is looking for and turns back to the food.

“Things have been going good.” You continue your earlier conversation. “Work is work. My mom is doing well. She sends her love. I can’t complain.” You watch her stuff the fridge full.

“Well I’m glad things are going well for one of us,” She slams the door of the fridge a bit harder than intended. “Not all of us are able to abandon our motherly duties.”

“Natasha, I’m trying my best here.” You say immediately knowing what she means.

“That’s what pisses me off the most,” She says exasperatedly. “They’re so good with you just trying. They don’t care how many times you mess up. They don’t care if you don’t do something. They don’t care if you’re having a bad day and you’re doing everything to make them happy. They don’t care if you don’t show up for their goddamn birthdays but it’s me that get’s the brunt of the madness and the anger.” She slams her hands against the counter. Running her hand through her hair, she shakes her head. “Do you know Ryan got into a fight at school the other day? He’s been...angry these days. I’m considering seeing a therapist with them.” She nods to herself. “Emma’s been giving me hell too. I wouldn’t allow her to watch tv one night because I dislike them having so much free time. She threw a tantrum.” She swallows thickly. “She told me, she told me she hates me and that she wishes she could come live with you.” The unshed tears in her eyes break your heart into a thousand pieces. “So, yes trying your best doesn’t really fly with me.”

“Natasha, I’m,” There’s no amount of apologizing that could take that hurt from her. “I’ll talk to them. I’ll take them out for dinner and we can talk.”

Natasha sighs. She knows this isn’t something that can be fixed with a simple talk. She lets her tears fall freely. You hate that this is what you’ve done to your family. Stepping around the counter you reach out to her. It’s reminiscent of that night all those months ago when you left. All you want to do is make it better. Make her feel better. Your emotions are conflicting as you bring your fingers up to caress her cheek. She stands stock-still closing her eyes at your touch. You rub your thumbs across her cheeks clearing away the tear tracks.

“I’m sorry,” You say and she lets out a sob.

“You’re not sorry,” She shakes her head.

“No, Natasha, I’m sorry,” You say firmly. You’re hoping she can hear the sincerity in your voice. She opens her eyes searching your face for a lie. You get lost in the forest of her eyes. So trusting and loving even with all of the pain you’ve brought your family.

You don’t know who makes the move first. Your lips meet tentatively. There’s a hint of familiarity that comes from nine years of marriage. The kiss is soft and sweet. Her lips glide over yours in a slow, languid motion. It’s not lacking in passion. Quite the opposite actually. Her mouth is hot and wet and hungry for you as your tongues meet. Taking in her flavor, you moan. She tastes like leftover cake with a hint of toothpaste. You pull back slightly to suck her bottom lip into your mouth. You nip it gently and the moan it elicits from Natasha only spurs you on. Her arms come up to wrap around your neck pulling you closer as you push her gently towards the counter. Her back is pressed against it as you kiss her harder. You spend a few more moments wrapped up in each other. Your hands roam her body tracing over every curve.

The need for air becomes too great as you pull away to trail kisses down her neck. You lick at her pulse point before giving it a soft bite. She moans a bit louder tensing under you. You’re moving fast and hurried as you push her tank top over her breast. You move the cup of her bra to expose her nipple taking the rosy bud between your lips. You give it a hard suck and she gasps loudly. Her hands push your head closer to her as you swipe your tongue across her nipple. Your right-hand slides down to trace the front of her jeans.

“Please,” She says in her lust-filled haze. You flick the button of her pants open skirting your fingers under the waistband of her underwear. She’s wet. So wet. You slide your fingers through her folds collecting her wetness. On one particular slide, you bump her clit causing her hips to jump. You trace her opening and she’s panting now. When your fingers slip inside of her she lets out a yelp. You push until you’re at the second knuckle. You can hear the sound of her arousal and it is music to your ears. Natasha has always been loud during sex and this is no exception. You abandon her breasts to return your lips to hers.

“Shh, baby, you don’t want to wake them,” You whisper into her ear. She nods shakily as she tries to fuck herself on your fingers. You thrust harder sending her reeling as she reaches blindly behind her for the counter. “Good girl,” She flutters around your fingers, and god damn you want to stay like this forever.

“Harder,” Her breath is airy and hurried. She’s close. You listen thrusting into her harder, faster, deeper. Her brows are knit together as she chases her orgasm. You can feel the way she tightens around your fingers.

“He doesn’t fuck you like this does he?” You breathe close to her ear. “Doesn’t take care of you like I do,” The moment is over faster than you know it. Suddenly Natasha is pulling away and pushing you away from her. It’s like a bucket of ice-cold water has been dumped on you as she takes a huge step away. She’s buttoning her jeans and wiping at her mouth as you try to catch your breath. “What? What happened?”

“You can’t be serious?” She says. “You think I’m fucking him?”

“Natasha,” You drop your hands to your sides. She pushes her shirt down over her breast and you immediately miss your closeness.

“No, no, you cannot be serious.” Natasha turns to catch her breath. “You don’t have the right,”

“Fuck, I didn’t mean to assume. He was close to you, kissed you.”

“On the cheek,” She whips her head to look at you. “He comes over sometimes to help with the kids. They like him. That’s not any of your business if I was fucking him or not by the way. You lost that when you served me with the divorce papers.”

A wave of anger washes over you. Swiping your hand across the counter you cause all of the glasses she dried earlier to crash to the ground.

“Fuck,” You yell. The glass resting at your feet satisfies you. It’s a representation of how you’re feeling right now. Natasha jumps back avoiding the glass from touching her. She looks down at the mess in surprise before looking back at you. You both wait in anticipation for one of the kids to come down. They don’t.

You rush out of the back door to sit on the steps. You bend so your head is between your knees. The blood rushes there and you cough hoping to catch your breath. The backdoor creaks. A comforting hand is placed upon your back as Natasha comes to sit next to you.

“Breathe, y/n.” She hums. You’re having a panic attack. She sits with you so patiently as your breathing becomes normal again.

“I’m not good for them,” You say. “I’m just like him.” You whisper brokenly.

“No, y/n, you’re not.” Natasha lifts your chin to look at her. “You’re not.”

“But you said-”

“I know what I said,” Natasha interrupts. “You’re nothing like him. I only wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me.” The admission sits between the two of you.

“Fuck,”

She returns her hand to her lap.

“I can’t…” You struggle. “It wasn’t making sense. Any of it. It doesn’t make sense. One minute we were happy and the next we weren’t. We became too much. I couldn’t make you happy anymore. Emma told me during her bath that she hears you crying at night when you think she’s asleep. I never meant to do any of this. I never meant it, Tasha.” You cry. You mean it. You ran. You did what you do best and ran.

“I know,” She says solemnly. “You never asked me if I was happy.” You lift your head to look at her questioningly. “You said you couldn’t make me happy anymore but you never asked me. You never ask you just assume. I’ve always been happy with you. Back during our days in the tower, when we got married, when we were pregnant with Ryan.” She names. “Even when we weren’t having sex and not communicating and fighting all of the time. I never once thought that we would end.” You’re surprised by that. All this time you thought you were doing the right thing for everyone and now you don’t know if it was the right thing at all. “Couples have rough patches. Tony and Pepper did. Thor and Jane. Clint and Laura. They got through it. I thought we could too. When you handed me those papers -- my entire world stopped, y/n. I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought maybe you found someone else. I thought so many things. But that I didn’t see coming.”

“I’m sorry,” It’s your turn to cry now. “I didn’t want this.” You shake your head. “I fucked up.” You say.

“Is this because you think I’m sleeping with someone else?”

“Partly,” You admit. “I have had some time to think and I just… I thought I was doing what’s best for us. You’re right I didn’t ask you. I assumed. I pulled away. I’m so sorry, Natasha. I never stopped loving you or wanting you. Even though all of that.” Natasha’s breath hitches through your admission.

“Then why?” She asks. “Why did you leave me?”

You don’t have a single answer. “I thought you were better off without me.”

“How could you ever think that?” She asks. You don’t have an answer for her.

“I have to leave in the morning,” You say. The moment is broken and though Natasha thought you were getting somewhere it’s clear you haven’t. She moves to stand and you catch her wrist. “Come with me. It’s a week in Florida. Come with me. You and the kids.”

“Y/n, we can’t just leave in the morning.” She says. “The kids have school and I have work.” You deflate. Of course not. You shouldn’t have asked. “But we could meet you there Friday night? Gives us time to pack and get everything in order with their teachers.” She’s giving you a chance. You stand to look at her. “The moment we come back we’re in therapy. All of us.”

“Yes, yes, of course.” You promise.

“Don’t break my heart again,” She begs quietly. “I don’t think I’ll survive this time.”

“I won’t.” You pull her into your arms. Standing here with her you wonder how you ever thought you could be without her.