#red.exe;

no cause..... I’ve tried. I’m discouraged alright? 

I’ve been to rehab twice now, the first time I wormed my way out of it and the second time the cops were called on the house for no gods damned reason other than people hating me and I was drunk when they showed up. so were two of my other housemates! and then one of them. who I’m not gonna fucking name. said “yeah a REAL danger when drunk” as sarcasm, and the police were sick of being called on our house for actual shit and decided they needed an actual report to file. 

so long story short it ended up w me thrown against the wall, and crying and kicking while the police dragged me off and my friends didn’t do Shit

and when I came back? from being fucking forced into rehab???? where they only gave me enough meds to keep me from being TOO sick and i ran away from? my friends “celebrated” my return by going out for drinks. and I know that’s just our way of celebrating, but I ended up staying home because they just wanted to go out and have fun anyway and promised me they’d celebrate another way.

some of them,, were trying to help me but I could tell it was a problem. eventually it just became “that’s what Scarlet does”

tl;dr: my housemates haven’t been good supports as a whole. 

but also.... yes????? there’s this lingering yes?

idk I feel like I’m too much a dreamer and I think idealistically but I wanna get better because I!! feel like I have people who might! be more understanding this time around. and I don’t want them worrying over me and I don’t want to be a burden, so yes I feel like with them around I could

but no because I don’t know that I have the right to ask so much of someone who hasn’t even known me that long.