#reconciliation?

Thank You @petvampire for the tag.

I'm hoping this will motivate me to actually finish this chapter.

So here is a snippet from chapter 2: We learned the Right Steps to Different Dances

Once he had been so sure of what her reactions would be. Had thrilled at the idea of her digging her claws into him. Cassian ran his hand over his face, muffling his words as he confessed. “There’s just too much between Nes and the family. It won’t help.”

Ferye reached across the table to gripped his hand. Her smile was small but reassuring. “She’ll come around. She did last year. She’s just…Nesta can be difficult sometimes.”

Cassain watched as Nyx- growing board with the attention not being on him- started pulling on the sleeve  of Feyre’s sweater. “I think we just need to get out of Velaris for a bit. I have been meaning to show her my cabin in Illyria. I mean it’s her now too.”  The sweetness of the child had given Cassain ideas he had tried to push away. Nesta had made it clear she wasn’t ready for that next step, and with the way their relationship was he as guilty of being happy that they had put off even talking about children. But in his weaker moments he pictured a little girl with golden wild curls and light brown wings, or a boy with a smile that stretched across his face and blue eyes that lite up like the sky after a storm. He knew that Nesta would be a wonderful mother, hoped he would be a good father when the time came.

Maybe the cabin was what they needed to regroup. Get out of Velaris and away from everyone. They hadn’t really had a moment alone since they had accepted the bond. Nesta could read and he could make her Illyrian dishes. Their Honeymoon was long overdue anyway.

“Do you think it is a good idea for Nesta to leave the House of Wind right now?” He tried to make it sound casual, but Cassian had known his brother for too long. Could read the starburst in his eyes for the calculation it was. The lit of his voice to cover how truly interested in the answer he was.

“We are just going to my cabin Rhys. I’m not letting her lose in the court armory.”

I moved away from my dad and my horrible stepmonster and stepfamily about two years ago, almost three. I have barely spoken to any of them since. The only one I've even remained in contact with is my father. And even now I have his number blocked.

I can never have a conversation with him without him trying to make me feel guilty for leaving. Always it's that I shouldn't have left him and my sisters like that and my stepbeast has been a wreck since I left. That if I hadn't left I could have met my new little brother. Have a relationship with him and my sisters.

I have second thoughts all the time. Mostly because of the kids. What's going to happen with them since I'm not there? Who is going to teach them to not be snotty brats and absolute assholes like their parents? No one.

I'm so furious with my father and stepbeast and everyone in that family. I was emotionally and verbally abused by them for years. I never had anxiety before I met that wretched family, and yet, sometimes, I find myself missing them or at least missing my sisters and my dad.

I know I'm not ready to confront them, but I'm not sure if I'll ever be. Nor if I'll ever forgive them for being such horrible people. My gramma on my dad's side has been talking to them and says they seem to have changed since my newest sibling was born. He had some sort of medical condition and was in the hospital for three months after his birth. They had set up a gofundme page about it and I donated as much as I could then. It's not the baby's fault that his parents suck. He's alive and healthy now. Gramma says that going through that worry of losing a child has "changed" them.

I don't know if I believe her or not. I mean, people don't change that easily. Not that almost losing a child is easy. But, I don't know. I don't care about reconciling with the stepmonster. Mostly about my dad if I ever do decide to.

I don't know what to do and I don't want my life to pass by and not have the chance to reconcile and put my demons to bed.

I know I wasn't dealt the worst hand there is, because I'm sure so many people are so much worse off. But, I don't know what to do. I can't just forget that my father exists, not when I am still on speaking terms with my gramma, his mom. Who, I am thankful to for being supportive of me getting the hell out of dodge when I was 18.

Sometimes I regret my decision. I wonder what I would have been today. But, what was I supposed to do, keep putting up with it? Everyday, I hated myself more and more. They talked down to me, like I was the dirt on the bottom of their shoe, and treated me as a live in maid. They only ever talked to me if they wanted something out of me. Watch the kids, clean the whole house by yourself after your shithead cousins have destroyed it. Cook dinner for your sisters because I'm too exhausted. Do everyone's laundry because we don't want to. I had all that and schoolwork to contend with. Chores are one thing, taking care of a house by myself is another. Basically raising my sisters myself while their mother watches from afar playing candy crush is another.

I wasn't ever allowed to go out anywhere ever because of my "responsibilities" at home. When I did go out and had a phone, I would get calls and texts asking when I was going to be back. Constantly living in fear of getting into trouble somehow. I was scared comstantky that my father would come home and scream at me about something his bitch of a wife made up about me. I lived with constant verbal assault from the stepbeast and her family, about how I'm worthless and will become nothing, and that I am just as irresponsible as my mother is.

I couldn't fucking do it anymore, so I left. And i don't know where I would or could even begin to figure out how to forgive any of them for that.

Forgive and forget? How? When I have panic attacks going into the mall for a simple shopping trip because they might be there? When I can't frequent certains stores because I might see them? When I have a prescription for anti-anxiety meds I never needed before moving in with them? When I have depression over their belittling jabs at me everyday? When they broke me into pieces and it was left up to me to try and assemble those back together? I'm not who I was before moving in with them. I don't know if I'm weaker or stronger, but I'm definitely different. Old me would have forgiven them, old me wouldn't have gotten fed up and left. Old me would make excuses for them like I did for years. I am new. And I can't do that again.

Was the apartment clean enough? Christ he was lucky he had spent hours the day before scrubbing near enough every inch of the place the way he knew Echo liked it. Even the small zoo they seemed to be creating were cooperating today, Jasper hadn't dared to tangled himself up in the lights or knock over the damn Christmas tree. Bucky's head was pounding thanks to Yelena fucking Belova. The sheer amount of alcohol he had consumed last night had been ridiculous, that combined with the fact that of all the people in the world, he had chosen to go out with her? Well, it meant that this meeting was hardly going to go very well. 

askprincearthur: Reconciliation? 

ask-queenwinifred: Where Power Dwells

Going back to that whole, reconciliation post, I got some good feedback by trusted friends, and the consensus was to go for it and reach out to him. This is the message that I sent him:

Aaron, I've struggled for a while now about how I would reach out to you, so I'll just take the plunge as it were. For months now you've been popping up in my thoughts, and I wonder to myself, "How is he? What is he doing with his life? Is he happy?" Etc, etc, so on and so forth. You popping up in my thoughts has been happening increasingly lately, and I happened to learn through the grapevine that you're leaving for Seattle soon. For what it's worth, I wish you my sincerest of congratulations. I'm proud that after years of hesitation, that you're going for it; I hope that you go full steam ahead and never look back with fear or trepidation. I was wondering, if before you leave, could we perhaps meet over coffee? I feel that, in the two years that you and I have not had contact, maybe the both of us are at different places in our lives and can leave the petty stuff behind. More than anything, I'd like to clear the air as it were. I'd hate for you to leave Tucson with any bitter feelings or resentments as far as I'm concerned, and the feeling is mutual. You were (and to a point are) considered a very valued friend, and close to seven years of valued friendship is very difficult to sweep under the rug. I've spoken to sage Miranda in this regard, and she's willing to act as intermediary if need be. Please think about it. Ideally, weekends work best if this is something you'd consider. I hope to hear from you soon. With the brightest of blessings, Steven

So I have this very estranged friend, any by very estranged we’re talking it’s been two years since I’ve seen or heard from him, and it’ll be two years in August since I severed all communication to this person due to behavior that I found not only contrary to who I thought he was as a person, but behavior that I find deplorable, and undesirable in people as a whole.

See, this person and I were best friends for a little over 6 years. We were like the dynamic duo; we did and went everywhere together. When I needed anything, anything at all, he was always the first person on my speed dial and without any hyperbole, when I needed him he was there in a moment’s notice (or at least as reasonably as he could be). Things started to change though when he started hanging around with a new crowd of people, and personality traits within this new clique that I didn’t care for, and still don’t, began to rub off on him. However, said estranged friend is a people pleaser, and he’ll pretty much bend over backwards to make everyone happy and avoid conflict; that’s his double edged hallmark.

When he began pushing myself and our group of friends away, I took it hard, really hard. He and I were both going through difficult periods in life, and I know that I really would’ve liked to have him around, but it wasn’t to be, and the divide kept growing. I issued several ultimatums and had several confrontations with him, begging for some semblance of the treasured friendship that we shared, but it was all for naught, and our paths ultimately diverged.

What brings all of this up is…I've heard through the proverbial grapevine that he’s leaving town in about a month or so to go and live in another part of the country. I’ve been thinking for a while now, months even, that even though he and I aren’t on the greatest of terms (obviously) and he may think of me what he will, I don’t want him to leave hating me because I don’t hate him. Sure, every time this comes up in my thoughts, I remember that there is a reason why he’s no longer in my life (as seemingly petty as it might be; I don’t care for the new people in his life, he knows it, and as much as he wants us all to play nice, I refuse), but I don’t wish him ill-will, and it’s not as though I want to sit down with him, wave a magic wand, and suddenly we’re besties again. No, I want to clear the air, as best as possible, and have him leave knowing where he stands and know that it’s not on bad terms as far as I’m concerned.