#realtalktime

It’s times like this when I feel utterly shitty, when depression and anxiety are kicking my ass all over the place and telling me awful things that my train of thought leads to you guys.

When my asshole of a brain is telling me that everything is hopeless, that I have nothing to look forward to but guilt and fear for the rest of my life, that dying would be the greatest gift...

I think of all the people I know that might be affected by my death and yes, I think of family, the people who have loved me unconditionally from the day I was born, but mostly I think of you guys.

These awful thoughts kick around inside my head and all I can think of is how I’ve yet to meet any of you in person. I haven’t hugged you yet or curled up on the floor while we watch a movie in a mountain of blankets and pillows together. I haven’t slapped you in the arm for being a dick in games or laid my head in your lap while we talked about other people being idiots. We haven’t gone camping or shared a meal, haven’t opened up our magnificent cafe and bakery.

I haven’t cried upon the first time seeing you in person or cried upon having to leave you.

And I want that. I want it all so much it hurts.

When I remember that we’ve yet to do these things I berate myself for having forgotten that what keeps me going is the mere possibility of being able to meet you in person, to hang out and eat together and play games and watch movies and get drunk and take care of each other.

Some of you might be all like “Well surely Jalo isn’t talking about me. We hardly talk, we don’t have a lot in common, we don’t have that great of a bond.”

I am talking about you, you’re as much a part of this group that I love as anyone else and it wouldn’t be the same without you.

Ideally I would like us all to be lifelong friends, nothing would make me happier than for us all to be in each others lives when we reach major milestones, when we need a good group of pals to have our back when things aren’t looking so great.

But the ideal is hardly ever reality and I’m not going to fool myself into thinking that any of this is going to happen but this is the one example of when I’ll let hope do its thing, be that uncertainty that will keep me hanging on.