Feb 16
how it feels knowing i'm squandering every opportunity that comes my way because i just can't seem to fully function like a real person and it's such an all consuming feeling and problem and even meds didn't fix it.
#i'm so disappointed in myself#i know everyone else is disappointed in me too#and you only get so many opportunities#esp when u just don't have a network bc u are also bad at networking#it's worse knowing I CAN DO IT. I CAN DO THESE THINGS. Finally at the point i should have been MONTHS ago.#and there's no relief there's no pride there's just.#embarrassment and shame and frustration and a lot of guilt#things just snowball so fast and i just got monumentally fucked over by the inability to get my meds for so long#i want to do better so badly I want to be faster and more consistent and less forgetful and better with time management#but it just never seems to work that way#personal stuff#sorry im just#really embarrassed#even more embarrassing is the more stressed I get the harder it is for me to complete anything#and i don't think i've had a stress free day in years so i'm operating maybe at 50% these days#i see so many other people with the same plight as me and they're doing great things and making beautiful work#so i feel like my brain not working right isn't even a good enough excuse because like. literally everyone else does it just fine.#i'm so fucking sad man. i love working with this coworker so much and i wanted a chance to work with him again and i got it!#and it was fun! it was so much fun and is still kind of fun when i'm not consumed with feeling so so bad#about how long it's taken me to make things...#i feel like when i talk about this to people they also maybe think i'm exaggerating or just suffering from imposter syndrome#like i'm literally not. i REALLY should be faster and a hell of a lot more consistent than I am. it's an objective truth.#i don't know how i can spend months at my desk with everything open trying to do my tasks and then it just doesn't get done#i did so much less this last year because i was trying so hard to work and i still didn't even get much done#suffering with nothing to show for it#most of the time when i'm working on things it feels like either it clicks or it doesn't#i'm basically just stuck sitting at the starting line waiting for the gun to go off and for whatever reason mine is a specific separate one#that is not going off and i'm just sitting here with increasing dread about how far behind i am#and by the time it goes off i've got to put twice as much effort in. all to eke across the finish line last.
