#real experience

COVID started a little over half way through my freshman year of highschool, and lasted in full force until part way through my junior year.

That was, at the time, the loneliest period of my life. I had no one, online or otherwise, and spent all of my time in my tiny, closet-sized room. I was unmedicated for my ADHD which led to me zoning out through all of my classes despite my best efforts to stay present, and a bone-deep feeling of numb nonexistence.

It was MISERABLE.

The feeling of isolation was so profound and complete that at 15 I had absolutely no ability to cope with the sheer quantity of it on my own. Which led me to devise a 'trick'...

-I named my Loneliness. Then every time I felt completely abandoned, I tricked my brain into believing he was paying me a visit. I would say hello to him, and then go about whatever I had been up to previously, feeling, ironically, significantly less alone.

If my Loneliness could be made into an entity with a name, that inherently canceled out its nature, and its ability to hurt me.

That is obviously a very sad thing to do, but desperate times, and all that...

I felt very clever when I figured it out, knowing full well that if Loneliness really did possess a consciousness, he would HATE this little strategy. And I certainly did not mind doing that to my "friend". It was a passively entertaining thought to me.

A bit petty and vindictive, yes, but entirely deserved.

(I vividly remember a particularly vicious time when I felt the despair set in, and laughed and said "Oh, but I can't be alone. You're here." Like the smarmiest, gloating piece of shit in the world.)

-The funniest bit to me now, is that while I cannot remember for certain, there is a very real likelihood that the name I chose was Lucas (with a 'c'), considering that that was my favorite male name at the time. 👁️💀

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11 days

12 - 11 - 10

based on a real experience of mine that I decided to draw.

you know, after I got my shoulders back into their sockets....