#reader depression

She was just so goddamn good and bright. Leaving him stealing glances at her as he feared he’d just burn up if he looked at her straight on. Fighting the need to shield his eyes and revelling in the beauty and warmth that surrounded her. Like the soft evening sun, settling against his skin and letting him soak in it, enjoying the moment. 

Just being around her made him feel like he wanted to be a better man. Made him feel like he was safe, that this fucked up world was worth saving. She was the light at the end of the tunnel. The first break of daylight after a rough night. She made it all feel like it was worth it. Like there was still some reason to keep fighting for the unfair world that kept kicking him when he was down, if only because it was the world she lived in. 

Or at least, that was what he normally felt. Right then and there; standing fuming and furious on the motel room carpet, all he felt was fear. 

Dean was afraid. Terrified for the foolishly brave woman who was glaring at him, framed by the dim evening light behind her back and the motel room door. Refusing to back down even though she’d put herself in harm's way again. Just like she always did. 

She was always so goddamn ready to sacrifice herself to save him… To save anyone really. Never understanding that if anything ever happened to her, there’d be no more him. If she got hurt, or… Fuck. Worse…

He’d lose the only good thing he had left in this godforsaken world; her smile.

“Wrong! You weren’t thinking! You could have gotten yourself killed. That fucking werewolf was coming…” Dean shot back as he tore his eyes off of her to stalk towards the middle of the motel room. The aching, searing need to keep her safe forced him to stay in constant motion as every single nerve in his body screamed at him to wrap her in his arms and never let her go.

“I knew what I was doing Dean. I’m not new to this. I can handle myself,” (Y/N) shot back, not letting Dean finish his sentence. Where his voice was loud and shaky, hers kept a dangerously low volume. An icy chill replaced the intense heat of the earlier fury as she finally stepped fully into the motel room and let the door swing shut with just a little bit more force than necessary.

“You say that, but all I saw out there was a fucking greenhorn. You know we don’t act before we think. Those kinda reckless actions get people killed in our business,” Dean shot back, turning back to face her once the outside world was fully shut out and he was alone with her again. Unable to stand not seeing her when the new breaks to his heart from the close call were still so damned fresh.

“You’re one to talk. You always throw yourself headfirst into a fight. I had to act. If I hadn’t then that werewolf would’ve launched itself on you instead. Luckily, I make a fairly good target,” She quipped back, stalking towards him, shoulders squared and eyes blazing.

“You’re not a target damn it!” Dean was yelling, he knew he was. Fuck, he hadn’t meant to raise his voice at all, yet that was all he seemed capable of doing. 

He’d told himself, on the whole deathly silent car ride back from the hunt to stay calm. To just talk to her; to make her understand how much she meant to him without letting the full extent of his feelings slip. But, he couldn’t help it. She was just so goddamn good, and yet so stupidly self-sacrificing. 

Just like him.

The explosive quality to his voice had her falter slightly. Teasing the smallest microscopic flinch from her as she took a step back from the pure protective need rolling off of him in waves. Yet, the slightly raised volume in his voice didn’t deter her for long.

As soon as she’d stepped back she was pushing forward again. Crowding him as she funnelled the unused adrenaline from the hunt into the current fight instead. 

“I kept the damned mutt from biting you didn’t I?” Her own voice rose until it bounced off the faded motel room wallpaper and ricocheted back at the two of them in the middle of the small, claustrophobic motel room. Each searing word heating up the air around him as Dean struggled to catch his breath.

“I can take care of myself Dean,” She continued, fire simmering into ice cold anger as she stepped even closer to him. Until she was nearly close enough for Dean to just reach out and…

No.

He had to keep her safe. And though, with the mix of protective anger, adrenaline and pure adoration that was flooding his veins, he was aching to kiss her, he couldn’t. The arms of Dean Winchester were not a safe place to be. Hell, she’d be safer far, far away from him. Though he doubted he was selfless enough to let go of her in that way, even as he was actively holding her at an arms’ length.

So, instead he kept his resolve strong and wet his lips as he funelled all his love for her into the desperate need to make her see she didn’t have to risk herself to save him. That, in doing so, she’d just end up hurting them both.

“Then fucking prove it!” His voice rose with hers, with words so very different from those he really wanted to say.

“I think I just did! I kept you safe didn’t I? I thought that’s what my role in all this was,” She shot back, not willing to budge and still somehow believing her nearly fatal attempt at shielding him was the right thing to do. Her words hit Dean hard, like a fucking battering ram to the solar plexus. Leaving him slightly winded as his next angry words came out a bit lower, though no softer in their delivery.

“Your role? You’re a hunter (Y/N). Not a freaking shield,” He growled, holding her bright eyes with his green ones and refusing to let her look away as it was now his turn to crowd her. Walking her backwards towards one of the faded paisley print walls until her back hit it with a soft thud. The sounds of her back against the wall lulling everything into a momentary heavy silence. Tense with fear and desperation and something more… 

Something fragile.

“Why not? That’s all I’m good for…” Her voice was barely even a low whisper when the words finally came. The hurt staining each soft syllable like a fucking bullet to the very core of him. 

She sounded so small, so tired. And all Dean wanted was to wrap her in his arms and brush the hurt away with calloused fingertips against her soft skin. Her quiet delivery stood in complete contrast to the earlier angry yells that had left her only seconds before, as her eyes moved from his to look down at the little space remaining between them.

The barely-there glance at the space made Dean painfully aware of how close she was. Fuck, his lips were barely inches from hers. But, as her words sank in, they just as quickly pulled him out of that train of thought. His eyes instead shooting up to try and catch hers again.

“What? Why would you…” His voice echoed her breathless whisper and came out soaked in the same pain as hers. Since Dean always hurt if she was hurting. After all, she had his heart, and whatever damage was done to hers was mirrored on his where he’d slipped it into her hand when she wasn’t looking.

“The world needs you, Dean. You and Sammy. It always had. All of this? It’s all about the two of you… It’s you people turn to, you people trust. Me… I’m just… I’m dead weight,” She sighed, the fight fully draining from her tense shoulders as she leaned fully against the paisley wallpaper and kept her eyes downcast.

“Why? (Y/N)… You know that’s not…” Dean’s words were sticking in his throat. Caught in the hurricane of hurt that wanted to leave him like a strangled sob as the reality of her thoughts sank in. 

She didn’t think she mattered. 

Even though she was everything to him.

“It is Dean. I’m not as strong as Sam and you. You’ve been hunting for years. I’m just holding you back. If I can help keep you safe so you can live to fight another day… That sounds like a good way to do my bit for a safer world,” She ended her words with a defeated shrug. Like her lot in life had already been predetermined for her. But no, Dean knew, without a doubt, that she was meant for so much more than that.

“No… God, no, sweetheart. You don’t get to say that. You matter,” He choked out. Unwilling to let her minimise her role in his life in that way. But she wasn’t listening; her eyes still downcast into the small space between them.

“Do I? Sometimes I feel like I could just… Disappear. And no one would even notice. There’s always other hunters, other friends… Other people who’d do more,”

“But there’s only one of you... (Y/N), you might not always see it, but you’re amazing. You matter to the people around you. You’re the bright spot in someone’s dreary day. Hell, You’re my bright spot,” Dean argued back, though his voice remained soft and soothing; a barely there whisper meant for her ears only and the vast universe of feelings trapped in the few inches of space between them.

“But…”

“No buts sweetheart. Let me say this,” It was Dean’s turn to cut her off now. Not wanting to hear her say another bad word about his world. Because, hell, she was his world.

“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met (Y/N). Your smile, your voice, your talents and your drive; they shine. Sometimes you leave me breathless. Hell, sometimes you’re so bright I have to fight the urge to shield my eyes in fear that I’ll just… Burn up from all this…” Dean swallowed hard as the word ‘love’ threatened to spill from his lips. It was basically a conditioned reflex by now; yet he still had to take a second to wet his lips and breathe before he found his voice again.

“It’s ok to feel down, it’s ok to struggle. We all do from time to time. But rely on us. Rely on me. Your heart is just so big; you just feel things a little deeper, a little harder. And damn it if that isn’t just the most beautiful thing ever. You love so deep… And the people who matter, they feel that; they know it, they love you for it. And I…” Dean stopped, drawing in a shaky breath as he broke down the walls around his own bruised and battered heart; offering it up in sacrifice to her. 

Even if it wouldn’t mean much.

Hell, if his soon to follow rejection and heartbreak could help prove that she was loved, then Dean would willingly offer it all up to her. Swallowing hard, he let his head fall slightly forward, bridging the gap between them until his forehead rested against her crown of (Y/H/C) hair.

“I love you (Y/N). I told myself I wouldn’t say it… I’m not good enough for someone as perfect as you. But I do love you. With every single part of my tattered and broken heart,” Dean’s voice was just the ghost of a whisper as he delivered them into the soft strands of hair framing her face and hiding her eyes from him. And, just as quickly as he’d dared to bridge that gap, he pulled back again. Afraid he’d said too much, been too forward, and bracing himself for the rejection that was sure to follow.

Yet, it wasn’t a hurt that left those beautiful lips like sweet nectar. No… As her big doe eyes, wet with unshed tears, finally lifted to meet his, Dean found salvation in them, not rejection.

“Me too… I love you too Dean,” Though Dean didn’t recognize the words at first; muffled as they were by the walls he was hastily trying to rebuild around his heart in hopes that he’d still be able to stay her friend; a role he treasured more than anything else on this earth.

 “I know you don’t feel the same and… Wait… You what?” Dean stumbled over his words as her response finally sank in. His voice caught in his throat as green eyes widened incredulously at the miracle in front of him.

Lifting his hand, Dean held his breath as he replaced the space between them with feather light touches. Fingers ghosting over her collarbone and her jaw, in the same way his eyes had done countless times. He needed to touch her; to ensure himself she was really there. That this wasn’t just some self-serving fantasy that would only aid in his heartbreak down the line. But (Y/N) was there…

She was there and she loved him.

“You love me,” He whispered, this time his words were not a question. As his palm cupped her warm cheek, he felt more than saw her tiny nod as his hand swallowed the barely-there movement. But it was enough. Hell, that tiny nod was enough to shift his whole world. Shaking it off of its axis as he felt at once both giddy and struck down by sudden vertigo.

No… This time his words were definitely not a question. They were a prayer, an awestruck gasp. He just needed to re-confirm her feelings for himself as he felt her below his fingertips.

 “I do,” (Y/N) said, her voice shaky as she finally dared to meet his eyes properly again. And as her smile slowly brightened even further, Dean leaned in and tasted the sunshine on her lips with a soft kiss shaped like the million little ways he loved her.

She was finally his – and Dean finally felt worthy.

Dean Winchester Tags: @ria132love @woodworthti666 @defenderrosetyler  @akshi8278 @justanotherwinchester @lyarr24 @torn-and-frayed @all-will-be-well-love @wearesuchstuff1 @thefridgeismybestie @adoptdontshoppets @starsandmidnightblue @screechingartisancashbailiff @septixtrash @punof-agun  @deandreamernp @justagirlinafandomworld @sexyvixen7 @justrealizedimmascifygurl @globetrotter28

Which was why he was there, at her door in the bunker, a bunch of sad chick flick movies loaded onto his laptop in one hand and her favourite ice cream flavour in the other. Ready to save his world, because that was what (Y/N) was to him.

“Hey… Babe?” He called through the door. Keeping his voice low and soft as he waited for any sign from her that she was ready to let him into her world and let him hold her hand through the pain.

Letting his forehead hit the door, Dean closed his eyes and just listened. His heart was breaking for his girl on the other side as the silence stretched. Knowing she was battling her own personal demons, not being able to help tore at him. Until he finally heard the bedsheets rustle and the soft padding of her feet against the concrete floor signalling that she was making her way over to him. 

“Hi Dean,” She sighed as her beautiful face showed up through the barely cracked open door. Pain clouding her (Y/E/C) eyes, though she still did her best to smile at him. A heartbreakingly fragile smile, that didn’t quite reach her eyes. As always trying her best to stay strong for everyone else. His little soldier, always so strong and with a big enough heart to cradle the whole world. Though she didn’t always seem to extend that same blinding love towards herself.

“Hey there… I know you’re not feelin’ great. So I thought we could just… Y’know, cuddle up and watch some of those cheesy chick flicks you like?” Dean said, giving her a soft smile and holding up both the ice cream and laptop, the two items that were his weapons of choice in the fight against her heartbreak. Giving him a weak smile, (Y/N) stepped to the side to let him in, though the smile fell away quickly.

“I don’t know Dean. I’m sorry but I’m just…”

“Hey, hey, hey… You’ve got nothing to apologise for sweetheart. I just wanna be here for you. However you need me to be,” He hummed, stepping carefully into her room and softly placing the laptop and ice cream down so he could wrap her up in his arms. Letting her hide her worries against his chest.

“Could you just… Stay with me?” She mumbled against his t-shirt. Her soft and fragile voice sent shockwaves into the very core of him as he gently squeezed her closer to him and placed light, barely-there kisses against the crown of her (Y/H/C) hair.

“Of course (Y/N), anything you need. Let’s go hide from the real world under the blanket together, yeah?” Dean tugged her towards the bed, walking backwards, unable to let go of her for even a second to get to the bed. So, when the back of his legs hit the bed frame, he nearly lost his balance before just managing to steady the two of them. Teasing a small, breathless chuckle out of her.

“Ok,” She sighed, finally wrapping her arms around him and hugging him back.

---

Once he had her curled up in his arms, Dean settled in for the evening, letting her hide in the crook of his neck. 

He would be her shelter, her rock. 

On days when she couldn’t smile, then he’d just stay with her. If she couldn’t sleep for the night, then hell, he’d stay up by her side and watch everything her latest Hollywood crush had ever starred in. Even if it did make him a tiny bit jealous to watch her swoon over some other man on the TV screen. If it was for her, Dean would do anything in his power to keep her safe; both physically, and emotionally.

“I’m sorry,” Her breath tickled against his throat as she whispered the words into the crook of his neck. Her smaller hands clutching onto the cotton of his t-shirt as she weathered the storm by holding onto him. Her one safe spot in the rough seas that were her own mind. 

“I told ya. You have nothing to feel sorry for sweetheart. I love you, and all I want is for you to be happy, safe and loved. Come hell or highwater,” Dean murmured, speaking the words against the soft strands of her hair as he let his hands paint lazy, soothing circles against her back.

He didn’t wait for her to speak again. Instead he pulled her even closer, just to know she was there with him. Just to feel the soft curves of her against him. As he kept showering her with all the love he felt for her. Though even an ounce was enough to fill the entirety of the bunker. 

Taking a deep, shaky breath, he tried to find the words to tell her just how much she meant to him. Dean Winchester had never been good with words, but for her, he would try. Even if he came off sounding like a cheesy fool. 

He’d do anything for his girl.

“You’re my everything (Y/N); the love in your heart, your creativity, your willpower and your laughter, Everything you do…” He began, looking for words that would never be enough as he buried his face against her hair and let her feel how his heart was close to beating out of his chest.

“Everything you do helps make my world brighter. And all I wanna do is be a little bit of a light in your life as well. You’re a wonderful, beautiful and perfect person and I’m so lucky you let me into your world,”

Dean stopped, taking a shaky breath as he shimmied down the bed and pulled the blanket over the two of them. Hiding them fully from the world while placing soft kisses against her forehead and eyelids before gently resting his head against hers. Keeping his voice low, he let her curl up against him as he kept watch over her.

“You make this world worth fighting for sweetheart. You’ve made this bunker a home for me, and you work hard to make the world a better place. Every single day. Inspiring everyone who meets you, helping them, being there for them. Anyone who gets to bask in your light, even just for a second, is bound to fall in love with you… I love you (Y/N). And I understand. Take your time, do what you need to do to heal. If that’s curling up in your own personal pillow fort with me or forcing me to binge watch every chick flick on Netflix,”

He kept his forehead against hers, looking at her closed eyes and bumping his nose against hers as he spoke. Smiling softly as his words teased a small whispered chuckle out of her. Only letting his eyes drop to her lips as she took a shaky breath and cleared the pain from her throat to speak.

“Thank you Dean,”

“No need to thank me sweetheart. I’ll always be here for you, to help you fight your battles,” He hummed, smoothing down her hair and hoping that he’d helped soothe the hurt. He knew he hadn’t removed it, healed it or saved the day like he did on hunts. Yet, he hoped he’d helped make it just that little more bearable. 

At least for a little while. 

(Y/E/C) eyes opened to lock with his before just as quickly closing as she angled her head to brush her lips against his in a soft, sleepy kiss. Slow, gentle and sweet, it was Dean’s treasure. She was his treasure. Together with the small miraculous sleepy smile as she nuzzled closer against him. Still wanting to hide from the shadows of reality for a little while longer, but doing so in his arms, where he could keep her safe until she was ready to smile at the world again.  

Dean was a fighter. But more than that, he was her boyfriend. And he would do everything in his power to help her. To be her hero. 

Even if all he could do was cradle her close, and love her, with everything he had.

Dean Winchester Tags: @ria132love @woodworthti666 @defenderrosetyler  @akshi8278 @justanotherwinchester @lyarr24 @torn-and-frayed @all-will-be-well-love @wearesuchstuff1 @thefridgeismybestie @adoptdontshoppets @starsandmidnightblue @screechingartisancashbailiff @septixtrash @punof-agun  @deandreamernp @justagirlinafandomworld