#readbles

I just want to share a piece of my cake here. Since tumblr is my diary even before. To start my story, i want to share my latest heartbreak. The biggest trauma that i went through and also the biggest blessings for me who made me who i am today.

I met him 4 years ago in our baranggay house to house campaign just a strangers, we crossed our path and i asked my co sk kagawad na what’s his name ganon, so i check him on Facebook and surprisingly we were friends, so i start visiting his profile and sort of checking background. Then after that it was january a year after, he sent me pm, telling abt how fantastic my photos are, lahat daw instagrammable, so i blush kasi galing yun sa crush ko.

Then ayun na nga, talking to each other na ganon umabot na ng taon , then some of my friends knew him na crush ko nga so inaasar asar na kami, pandemic started then our conversation also lasted for long hours, he sent me selfies, inviting me over somewhere and some sort of nakakakilig na stuff, until it was eve of his birthday, someone ask him kung ano ba real status namin, or ano ba yung winning rate ko daw, he reply 60% pwede 40% not sure, then after 12 midnight they ask him again, ano ba ko sa kanya, and that night collapsed when i hear him saying “ayoko syang paasahin kasi super genuine nyang tao and he deserve real, kaibigan lang kami… im going out with someone and she even coming tomorrow at my celebration” my world shattered in pieces and i cried out loud telling, i will make my self better regardless that things happened, still i deliver the cake that i ordered for him.

Year 2, Since his friends and i become one circle, so nagkikita kita pa din kame, then yung sweetness andon pa din, asar asar, usap usap, dala ng foods nung nag ka covid sya, going out, dala ng foods pag may sakit sya, inisip ko nalang baka talaga na corner lang sya sa tanong that night because he once told me “May mga tanong na di dapat tinatanong sa inuman” so i assume, baka na frame up lang sya. Nagtagal again to yung set up na ganto until year 3, so i ask God for signals, sabe ko pag pumunta sya sa birthday ko at nag effort sya it means sya na talaga, then to my surprise pumunta nga sya, again Hope builds again.

Year 4, while inaalagaan ko sya kasi may Annual Physical exam sya yet uminom sya at nalasing, inayos ko higaan nya, natulog ako sa sofa and ginising ko sya para makapag breakfast at umabot pa sa Exam nya, then i heard “makukuha pa ba ni pareng ganto mambabae, e inaalagaan sya ng sobra ni mare” then my sensitive self felt something poke my heart, un appreciated pala lahat ng ginawa ko. So after that, cold na replies ko sa kanya at medyo i distance myself and gone for a moment.

I rewarded my self with things, experience and place that i think i deprived my self to feel appreciated, loved and valued. Then bigla syang nag chat, begging me to please reply becuase he caught his father cheating, its my guilt and conscience worked so i reply, then parang walang nangyare, naging okay ulet kami. New year, i was there sa tropa namin then masaya, that night was magical.

After months of this year 4 of being insane to him, i ask him if he want to join to Puerto Prinsesa together with our friends, after he ask sino sino kasama i tell him abt the love triangle inside that circle sabay sabi nya “bakit kasi kailangan pang mag label if pwede nyo namang gawin lahat” then i realized, he is willing to settle for that kind of set up, until he’s benefited. So for the nth time, i distance my self. After months, i saw our friend at somewhere sabi ko “ui kamusta na, i miss you all” sabay sagot na ”di ka na kasi dumadalw samin e” kako ”pagkagaling mo at may set promise g ako” at kinabukasan may ganap nga, and yes he’s there.

Di ko sya pinapansin and whenever he ask me something i reply without the reason to start conversation tapos biglang nag aya mag baguio, discussion and bargaining started until i tell him, “antayin mo desisyon ko if sasama ako” he answered “sige sige, antayin ko” tapos biglang nagka seminar sila sa baguio and he said yes he will join, without taking considerations the plans that we had, so i confronted this with him, sabe ko with or without me, pupunta kapalang baguio, again i feel worthless that time.

He is far far far different from the way he treat me, to the way he talked to me over sa mga kwento nya sa mga kaibigan nya na ang lumalabas ako ang naghahabol where in fact, i distance myself for how many times, this time i decided to cut ties with him, i unfriended him, unfollowed or even replies with his imessage, chats and email. I don’t even get a simple sorry or apologize with him, but i guess its okay. Mas pinakita nya lang sakin how undeserving he is, he’s a trash.

And now, sya na tong naghahabol. Nag aadd, nag fa follow pero sa tingin ko, he deserve to witness my succes even without him from a far. I know karma is digital and everything has turnback time.

Thanks for the over 4 years of making me a dog, a clown or just your toy, you made me brave and you made me realize to love myself more, i cant afford to make any connections with you anymore, maybe if we crossed our path again, my last wish: treat me as a strangers.

So recently I’ve decided to write a book. I’ve been told I’m quite good at writing actually. Though my teachers and essay scores will tell you differently, Also the mere fact that I’m really shitty at any thing that involves the word grammar. I don’t know what it is but ever since I was little  l never quite understood the point for commas and periods they seem pointless to me. However I’d like to say I’m Pretty good at writing spoken words and creative writing. Btw don’t take that for cockiness because its not I’ll admit writings the only thing I feel I’m good at.Moral of the story is I’d never really been good at anything I’m really shitty at sports. Though I still try out knowing in the back of my mind I’ll probably fail. I suck at YouTube because lets face it all my videos are cringy af but I enjoy making them so suck it kids from school that laugh at me. I suck at singing but I dont care I scream the lyrics at the top of my lungs completely off key. But don’t be fooled this isnt some diary of an emo 15 year old girl complaining about life. The thing that I’ve noticed that separates me from the others is that even if i know I suck I still try to get better. I tried out for the basketball team and a musical last year , did they laugh at me ? Your god damn right but I still tried out because I realized something in life I stand a better chance then a fool who never even try. And If i keep that mentality through out my life and keep trying to perfect my art then who knows maybe I will start being good at those things. Also did I mention Im really shitty at staying on topic. Anyways the real point is that I’ve tried to write books in the past but I’ve failed , I lose interest in a story and I stop. This time though is different I am 15 my working occupation is procrastinating. The problem is when you start procrastinating on your dream , things can go backwards. Because your putting off what makes you happy the most , and writing is what makes me the most happy.  So Cheers to my mid year resolution because god know my new years resolutions have gone and passed for a while now . (Lets take a moment of silence for all of the fallen new years resolutions that we never accomplished ) I Vow that by 17 I will have completed my first book  it doesn't matter If I publish it  or not .I will feel accomplished that I said I was going to do something and I did it. Well that’s all I have for you guys today , thanks for listening to my rant if you stayed this long 

                                        Yours Truly