#rcrants

I wish I could come back to the time where I would show you what I wrote, and you'd notice my "i"s and found them attractive in a way, because you knew it was me who wrote it.

I wish I could go back to the days where I would struggle in convincing you to watch a movie or a TV Series or a song that I really liked. How I daydreamed of making a Powerpoint presentation on why experiencing this with me matters, but fail in every attempt and get frustrated.

I wish I could go back to mornings waking up to you, and telling you how much I loved you. How you'd smile, and give me the satisfaction I wanted to see.

I wish I could go back to the times before I cheated on you.

Twice.

I wish I could go back to the time before I threw all my frustrations in life at you, and how I despised you and considered you my karma for everything else that was wrong with my life.

I wish I could go back to the days when we would sing musicals.

I wish I could go back to when you'd be proud to have me as your lover, where your Facebook would be filled with posts about me.

I wish I could go back to our banters, laughing at the clever jokes we'd throw at each other.

I wish I could go back to us dreaming about starting a family. Getting married, and giving birth to Friday, Clementine, Luke and Chase, and how biased I am of Friday, and how you'd scold me that it's not fair for the other three.

I wish I could go back to when you said you loved me back.

I wish this wasn't the path this universe took, and how I regret everything that happened after our breakup.

I wish it was still 2019.

I wish I still had you.

i miss you, Aj. So much.

Idk, I have this weird fixation for people who i'm no longer in talking terms with. There's this part of me that feels like longing for them, asking them how they are, where they've been, what they've been up to in their absence in my life. I know it's wrong, and I know I shouldn't be chasing after these said people, but i feel the mundane and the boredom with the people that are still in my life.

I guess i never really got the satisfaction with anyone. I feel like their absence is necessary, and then reconnecting with them after a few months or years of not talking.

Right now, I want to message Jenny Rose. I know she's not exactly someone you would call a "friend" but I just couldn't get that memory of actually striking a conversation with her at Mcdo a few weeks ago off my head. I want to get to know her, I want to date her. I want to feel what it's like to touch her. I know it's wrong, and for sure as hell I'm not going to initiate anything. But if I were to turn back the time, I would've just gone with her instead of Conch. I feel like Jenny's much more interesting than her.

I want to message Aj too, but I know our relationship has long been severed and can't be fixed even if the goal is just to retain the friendship. there's no friendship. whatever's left of the love she has for me is long gone, depleted. I have nothing to come back for.

I'm feeling kind of anxious, writing this in a Starbucks here in our hometown, with two women in their (most likely) late fifties enjoying what looks like matcha green tea latte, sitting adjacent from where i sit. not to mention the woman on my left outside (i'm by the glass wall) who gratefully seems busy with her phone.

There's a reason the first paragraph was that long, because I know you'll never get to read this, albeit there might be a small chance I exude a moment of vulnerability and send you the link, but seeing as to how your last message was "fuck you, leave me alone." the chances of that happening are as close to me getting hit by lightning.

But, in the small chance that you would...

I can't recall the person who told me that having something to regret in life is bad, and can result in future problems, but I've always carried that guilt and regret like a backpack in the sahara dessert that seems stitched to my back, and taking it off would just peel the drying skin off my body, bleeding me to death and to my fictional demise.

But nonetheless, this regret I'm referring to is the regret of not treating you well. I feel like I've done nothing but give you trauma and unnecessary suffering in your life. I've come to realize (when it was already too late) how much I behaved like a total fool, and took your love for granted.

I'm sorry it took me a really long time to realize how wrong I was for acting the way I did towards you, when all you wanted was to just fulfill my lifelong dream of marrying my first love. I wasn't yours, and in some ways it hurt, but it was something at the time was effortless to overlook.

I remember how we started. I literally let go of a relationship where I was to settle. Don't get me wrong, I loved Pau, I did. For the first time, I didn't feel like I would be the one leading the relationship to new experiences, and for once that was nice, but I was willing to let go of everything just to have a chance with you, because that's how long I've loved you. Through the unknown, carelessly clutching ignorance at the same time, I loved you from the very beginning.

And I continue to love you. I think of you whenever I come back home. I stopped parking outside your house, in hopes that you'd come out and catch me, and strike a conversation and try again because I realized how creepy that was, and I'm sorry.

I guess in a way, whenever we talked and I kept telling you "I'm not here to try and get back together" there was a part of me that knew it was the only way to still keep you in my life. That I asked nothing but the bare minimum and having the thought of trying again, I knew it would remind you of the horrendous times I put you through.

God, I can barely remember the good times we had. I forgot how much I made you laugh, I can't remember when I had your interest, and that you adored me. I loved your attention. I craved for it. Until the time it started becoming troublesome for a reason that bewilders me up until this day as to how it started.

Okay this is getting kind of long for a letter I know you'll never get a chance to read anymore anyways. But let me end it with this.

In every universe, in every reality, I know I'll love you in every single one of them. And I hope that in at least one of them, We're both happy. I hope that I get to be the best "worth the wait" person for you. I hope I get to be the one to carry you when you're too tired to be strong. I hope I get to be the one to hug you after a stressful meeting. I hope I get to be the one to fuck you good, and tell you how beautiful you are, and that it matters even if you hear it from other people on a regular basis. I hope I get to be the one to brew you coffee before your day starts. I hope you get to be the one Friday calls her "loving mother". I hope, if it's not possible in this universe, that somewhere out there, we found each other, at a time where nothing made sense.

except our love.

I love you, Sun Girl.

Mahal kita, Aj.

Our love will be my biggest regret I let go.