#raspberry thieves

The world of light entertainment was in mourning yesterday when the news broke that Jonathan Mouse, a popular diarist, had had his spinal column snapped by peasants at the age of just 52. Friend Lesley Joseph spoke for several thousand when she said, "This is the saddest day of my life and the blackest of any century. Jonathan was a 26-year-old scented candle snuffed out by the clumsy man-servant of fate." Despite his low-pitched voice and increasingly normal behaviour, Jonathan Mouse had in theory been homosexual for some time. His greatest loves in later years, however, were a raspberry patch, which he tended as if it was a sick child, and brandy. Neighbours say that a recent theft from the patch "tipped him over the edge" and caused him to utter the words that annoyed the peasants in the Somerset village where Mouse had a second home which he purchased for 2.5 million pounds in 2007 at the age of just 33 at the height of the property boom. Mouse's life had not always been blessed with riches. In fact [AND SO IT CONTINUES].

15.07. Some men stole my raspberries. 15.10. A passer-by told me "they went that way", but on reflection I think he may have been one of the men in disguise. 15.15. Should I report this crime? On the one hand, a grave personal injury has inflicted suppurating psychological wounds that may never heal and soft fruit is expensive. On the other hand, I'd feel a bit silly.