#raphael testimonies

looking through everything that happened with clear, lucid, unclouded eyes was a jarring experience and i just. sat there like. how the fuck did i ever put up with any of this, especially for as long as i did.

i remember sitting there during and after each fight with raphael just sitting and crying my eyes out so hard that i had a migraine and and my throat was dry from literally how dehydrated i’d get from how long i spent crying. not just 2-3 hours straight. sometimes i would be crying for like, 6-7 hours STRAIGHT at a time because that’s how long raphael would spend yelling at me and expected me to sit there for without pause or break. i couldn’t sleep. i didn’t have any appetite to eat or drink during a lot of our arguments or the days that followed. not that i was allowed to get up and leave and i know that sounds stupid but raphael would get mad at me if i took too long to respond while they were busy chewing me out.

forza tried to victim blame me and say that i wasn’t having new revelations all of a sudden. while i was aware for a long time that this wasn’t healthy and that it upset me, i was in severe denial that it was abuse. any victim of abuse in a relationship will tell you firsthand just how difficult it is to come to terms and say, even in the privacy of YOUR OWN HEAD where no one care hear you, that the person you love is hurting you and abusing you. looking back at all of these screenshots, it hurts. i cannot believe. that i sat through that. and in so many of them i can see how tired and numb and exhausted and hurt i am and raphael just kept going without remorse. i honestly think that raphael was tormenting me for fun during a lot of these arguments. there’s no way anyone just blatantly ignores someone the way raphael did unless it’s for fun. 

i forgot about this ask i got on my other blog djvdfvkdf

ANON IF U SEE THIS IDK IF U SAW THE POST I MADE ON MY OTHER BLOG BUT thank u for telling me this and you know i hope ur safe and healthy and happy too and i just kjdbfv i really regret past me a lot and i’m really sorry for any way i ever hurt you too. 

like i do not at all fault anyone for like ... being apprehensive about me from the past because like, while i was wholly influenced by raphael and under their thumb and overall part of that toxic 2016 tumblr mentality that infected a lot of us, that does not at all excuse me from how i like ... vagued people, shit talked them, made really mean comments, etc. it was so awful and childish and immature!! i was 17-19 for a lot of that toxicity, and i’ve definitely grown since then, being halfway to 24 now lol. 6 more months! but yes. and i’m grateful that people have like ... been able to see that growth.

i don’t blame anyone for being unwilling to speak to me still or like, still being upset with me about any past we shared because that’s their right and i was awful! i was! it makes me really sad to hear tbh that people feel like they can’t be upset with me or feel like they can’t fault me because of what i went through, and i don’t want anyone to feel like that just because of the abuse i went through. you’re still allowed to be angry with me what anything i did to hurt you and i am so sincerely sorry for it. i’m grateful for having the chance to give people more genuine and sincere apologies personally, to all of those who reached out to me. 

this person ended up i think?? dropping raphael for a short time. i believe???????? i could be wrong. i don’t remember so i’m sorry. but they are friends still i’m pretty sure??? but yeah. like. again. this just goes to show how quickly raphael will turn around to shit talk someone and call them names and say awful things about someone just because they had the NERVE to try to consider something horrible.

the minute you think about ending your friendship with them, or once you do, they’ll say horrible things about you. raphael is a paranoid narcissist and even if things are fine and you’re not even doing anything wrong, raphael will make up reasons to think that you hate them and use that as ammunition to shit talk you. i watched them do it to a mutual of mine in the past who they were actually friends with. raphael shit talked them so badly and manipulated me into thinking they were an awful person and the reality of it was this person did nothing wrong at all, raphael is just paranoid and instead of asking questions, they decided to demonize an innocent person.

however raphael took advantage of that and would say just things to me knowing i couldn’t fact check it because i didn’t know the people in question or just no longer remembered situations, or that i wouldn’t check it because they influenced my perception of people so why would i check on them ...

THE POINT IS. i am very out of the loop on most situations and people because i don’t care and i mind my business and i stay in my lane. please do not tell me anything that you do not know for sure is legitimate and if it’s not something that i can’t check for myself. i have been trying to do a lot for myself to check things beforehand after spending so long under raphael’s thumb with them just feeding me information and i take it at face value, and that’s incredibly dangerous to people involved if they’re innocent.

man what the fuck 😭

OK. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

LET ME. MAKE THIS ABUNDANTLY CLEAR LOL. if you’re also a severely problematic piece of shit with an extensive callout detailing abuse, racism, stalking, etc., please don’t submit anything into my blog LMAO. i am not going to condone or enable your victim complexes and sob stories like i’m sorry you had a run in with lazarus but i am not housing a self haven for ANY abusers.

if anyone who LEGITIMATELY has any testimonies or concerns regarding raphael, ana, lazarus, or ki/forza, then please feel free to let me know but. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i remember that person’s callout from twitter and i read through all of it and yeah. as an actual asian person. who has been fetishized irl and by these people, please do not come to my blog expecting sympathy when you’ve face faked and still think you’re not in the wrong for it, on top of everything else.

thank you for letting me know, anon 😭😭😭

anyways, for everyone else with concerns about staying away from any of these people (and i’m adding them here because they are in the post i’m about to delete):

raphael is at @/indeath, @/hemorage, and @/qinqov on tumblr. their twitters are @/modtel13 and @/qinqov. they are naja blackwaters on ffxiv located on sargatanas (aether).

ana is @/mnogiye on tumblr. their twitter is @/cyberianzarya.

lazarus is @/fervide on tumblr and @/lamentorium on twitter. they are gender envy on ffxiv located on sargatanas (aether).

ki/forza doesn’t have tumblrs as far as i’m aware. but their twitters are @/mooncarved and @/eldrichor. ki has notoriously hate followed and stalked people on not only their own behalf, but raphael’s behalf so it’s best to block them too.

i know raphael has been, and will continue to, showing screenshots (one-sided caps, mind you because their side of the messages are now gone) of me saying vile things about other people and i own up to this and the things i said. i said really awful things and i regret them and i cannot even begin to express how apologetic i am for them. i’ve personally apologized to everyone who i’ve reconnected with and there are still several more people out there i owe apologies to but quite frankly i’m not in the business of keeping tabs on them so i have no idea where some of these people are. i also don’t know if anyone would be receptive to hearing from me and it feels shitty to wait for people to come to me first so i’m hoping that me coming public with this will like idk, encourage people to come forward because i have so many things i’d like to say.

i’m grateful that i’ve been able to reconnect with people at all and that these people have graciously given me the opportunity to be their friend again because i was really awful to them and said really horrible things and i contributed directly in really making their lives awful and hard and i feel horrible for the way i lashed out and mistreated people.

and in the same vein, sometimes i was mean and petty to raphael. i did vague them, but i stopped. i discussed the big may 2018 situation and the situation regarding me holding onto a folder of receipts and that’s about the worst thing i’ve done to raphael and i own up to it and raphael continued to hold it over my head and i apologized for it each time they brought it up, but i still can’t get a proper apology for raphael telling me to “go get shot.” 

anyways the point is. i own up and take responsibility for EVERY awful thing i said and did over the years. i was a horrible, petty teenager and i retained a lot of those behaviors over the years too. a lot of my opinions of people are a result of raphael’s manipulations and gaslighting me so badly over situations that i can’t even remember how things really happened anymore, just that raphael was saying these things and i was continuing to spread them around too. i’m naive and malleable and easy to manipulate and gaslight due to my memory issues and me being extremely empathetic and a sponge and raphael took advantage of this.

no literally. LITERALLY. this is literally. exactly it. even if you never EVER had an actual interaction with raphael, they will call you their abuser.

one of the things i shared in the doc, it was when raphael ran into someone in a ffxiv dungeon. this person started talking about it on twitter and raphael proceeded to say that this person was their abuser and made them feel unsafe and this is what triggered the event of raphael leaving crystal for aether and forcing me to go with them and leave behind what friends i managed to make on crystal.