so. wauuguhg. i know it was necessary but i hate that this cough is costing me money and STILL hasnt gone away.

so ive had a cough (which is pretty much chronic at this point ive had it somewhere around 8-10+ weeks now i think? idk, ive lost track of time at this point, its been that long with it and i've still got it, though some days are better, some days are worse lol), and it had been like 3 weeks or so with the cough at the time, had called the doc to make a doc appt. but in order to make the doc appt, i needed to get a covid test - not an at home test, but a pcr/lab test (which is fine, gotta be safe/sure before seeing doc abt it so im not spreading it, i get it yknow?) but anyway, that test came back negative as i suspected it would bc i had just been sick with it in january and even though you can get reinfected in that time, i hadn't been around anyone with it or gone out in that time, so it seemed unlikely.

so went to the doc abt it couple of weeks ago, got blood drawn and seen by doc, got prescribed medicine, the general shebang - meds helped a little for like a moment - it never really… fully got rid of the cough, but it helped me have better days with it. for a moment. but it didnt get rid of it and still hasnt gone away! but anyway. yknow, paid for that appt, paid for the meds. a week or two passes and the blood results come back and cholesterols fucky, fine, whatever, im working on trying to manage what i eat because of that, but i gotta go back 2nd week in june to get my blood drawn again for it, so thats like, more money for another doc appt/at least blood lab test to check that out again (and i may just make it a full appt again if i can afford to because this cough is still stickin around)

but not only that, apparently when i got tested for covid was after the hrsa fund had run up, and im uninsured. so not only was that covid test not free/did i get sent a bill for it (which i guess the good thing is i can pay it in parts/it doesnt have to be done all at once...), but it's going to cost me only just a bit under what the doc appt was/roughly around the same ballpark. so two doc appts + a covid test to pay for and i still feel like shit ksdfjk. and chances are if i go to the doc abt it, either he's going to brush it off and i'll continue to have a cough and feel like shit, or i'll have to go to a specialist and spend more money so there's like. no winning, i guess. to top it off im sore as fuck from having to start work at walmart again because i needed to make money again and hadn't heard from other places in a while/never really was getting anywhere further than interviews with places. i guess the good thing is im making $14/hr and since i wanted to go part time this time, i'm making roughly the same amount of money working $14/hr for 4 days that i was when i worked $11 for 5 days like 2 years ago.

just get yourself some regular imps or get into breeding if there’s specific colors for an imp you’re looking for, wanting exclusive g1 title for your imp is near impossible of a dream unless you have the money to drop on that

this shit just keeps getting harder and harder for me and i’m trying to be strong and approach my parents differently but i still come off as selfish and ungrateful??? i don’t get it. i don’t understand. why does every thing i do, or say make them mad at me i don’t get it.

i tried asking them if they could go to the store and get food that i could actually live off on besides chips or cookies, or something else because i pretty much am the pickiest person alive and i don’t like the things they buy sometimes..

even when i’ve explained over and over that i’m not going to make myself sick eating something i don’t like and that it’s not fair that i only eat once a day while they eat three times or more. it’s not like i can help being picky and i really do hate it, i hate myself for it. but it’s not something i can control and i’d rather not eat than force myself to eat something i’m not into and get sick that way.

and i don’t understand why they just make it out like i’m being selfish or ungrateful. is it really selfish to want to eat more than once a day? is it really ungrateful of me to ask them not to buy chips, or cookies, or snack foods when that money could go towards actual meal foods?

i don’t think so. but no. i’m selfish and ungrateful and i need to stop getting an attitude. it’s not like eating once a day contributes to that or anything lmao.

i feel so.... neglected? i’m not even sure if that’s the word i should be using. it feel like it, so i’ll stick with it. 

i just feel like everyone’s (family wise) stopped really giving a shit about me. my parents just don’t really check up on me even though i spend a good amount of my time just locked away in my room, crying. idk. i’ve been in a bad depressive spot since i got back from vegas and they haven’t noticed. and i can’t talk to them. at all, because they don’t listen. they turn everything i try to say and make it about them, or tell me i’m too young to be feeling what i’m feeling. i can’t tell them i’ve been feeling depressed because they’ll tell me others have it worse, or they have it worse, or that i shouldn’t be depressed because i’ve got a roof over my head, etc, etc.

they don’t understand my issues with anxiety, and that i can’t control. i told them my doctor thinks i should see a psychologist and they just don’t. care.

and i’m really tired of it. so tired that i just can’t even be bother to talk to them anymore. i don’t even want to try.

they’ve been really confrontational lately too??? my mom keeps picking fights with me over little things, over almost nothing. i feel like my dad’s just been avoiding me altogether. idk. idk.

my mom’s been giving me the silent treatment today and i don’t know why. i’m not sure if it’s over the little fight we had over her calling me selfish and disrespectful. literally just asked her when she had time off so i can drop off medical records to the doctor i’m seeing now. but now. that somehow makes me selfish and she has better things to worry about.

she hasn’t talked to me all day though and it just. it hurts so bad. i’ve never really had to deal with any of this.

and i just. it doesn’t feel like they’re even really proud me anymore. my mom made a post on my sisters birthday a few weeks ago, on how proud she was of her and to have her as a daughter and she didn’t mention being proud of me on the birthday post she made for me last week. it made me feel really shitty.

i’m just in a constant state of feeling useless, like i’m some kind of burden, and a huge disappointment to them.

they don’t help me with anything, no matter how many times i’ve already asked they just. don’t. they expect me to get a job, go to school, and to do it on my own but i have no idea how to do any of those things on my own. they never taught me and it’s really. hard. 

i’m really tired of feeling like this and it just feels never ending.