Vent/Advice Post (Skip if you don't want to read a wall of text from a tortured girl "( – ⌓ – ))
I'm afraid I'm going to have to end things with a boy who has been nothing but good to me. 😔 Being in an r-ship at this point in my life feels like more of a burden than a positive. And I feel terrible for feeling that way because it's like I'm being ungrateful. He has qualities you can't find in most men these days. He's kind, gentle, and affectionate. He's accountable, communicative, and isn't scared of long-term. He's handsome, too. So why is my heart calling for me to break free?
I can't call or text him every day. I need my space and solitude. And he doesn't even ask for me to sacrifice it, but since he's always communicating with me, I respect him too much to leave him on read for too long. And it's tiring. I guess I should also mention that he's overseas. I've dealt with LDRs before, but... looks like my needs have changed. I have to admit that I'm not the healthy one in this r-ship. It's also only been a bit over a month since we started talking seriously, and he's mentioned marriage and children--not in the near future, but at least said he wants that with me one day--a few times already. That scared me. I don't even factor children in my life. He doesn't even really know me, but he claims he loves me. And as exciting as that was at first... I don't know. It's not like he's brushing my feelings aside. I know he'd listen to me if I told him. But... it's hard for me to share them in the first place. I'm self-conscious and a people-pleaser too. It's even harder when I can't see him face-to-face and when I have to talk in a language I can't express myself as well in.
I don't want to hurt him... but I also need to listen to my heart. I don't want to quash it or put it aside anymore, like I've done all my life. Jeez, I hate this. It's like everything a past version of myself would have wanted has landed in front of me, wrapped in a pretty bow, and I can't be thankful and hold on and never let go?
The thing is, there's so much I want to do on my own. But the other thing is, he said I'm the color who came into his life of black and white. I'm the only one he really has, he said. I don't want to let him down...
I think the least I can do is share how I truly feel with him, since he's so communicative with me. It's going to be scary and it's going to be hard, since I'll have to talk in another language. I've been wracked by guilt for the past week. It's been building. I don't want to push it away anymore. I can't. I have to honor myself.
