#rant rat

So we were PCR tested twice during quarantine, and then we were given a bag of saliva test RATs. Took one of those before getting on the bus down to the wharf, then one every three days until 26th November. I messed up my first one and so had to grab one from ship supply, which was “oral fluid.”

This means that I am now in a position to compare the experiences of different RATs.

OLD SCHOOL Ye olde swab! Scrape the back of the throat! Then scrape the brain via the nose! Mix with buffer, apply to test cassette. Don’t fucken wuss out on the scraping either — SARS-CoV-2 infections present initially as lower respiratory tract, which we can’t swab. So there’s less of it lurking about in the upper respiratory tract. Also please swab your throat. YES EVEN IF THAT’S NOT IN THE DIRECTIONS.

SALIVA TEST Stick the hideous absorbent lollipop in your mouth until the indicator turns blue, which means it has enough saliva, then apply to test cassette.

ORAL FLUID Hock up a loogie into the buffer. Apply to test cassette.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCES

Now, I previously hated swabbing my nose. Then I started swabbing my throat, which I hate even more, so I don't hate swabbing my nose so much. Basically, I stimulate a pretty solid coughing reflex on the throat and I always, always sneeze after swabbing my nose, but it's now pretty inoffensive to me.

I've been aware of the saliva and oral tests for a while, and thought that something less intrusive would be good for people with hyper-sensitive gag reflexes, and also little kids, who really don't like sitting still long enough for someone to swab their tiny wee nostrils.

So I was optimistic about the saliva test.

My optimism was misplaced. The instructions say that it should take about 2-3 minutes for the sponge inserted into your mouth to absorb sufficient saliva. The indicator is supposed to turn blue.

My medication causes dry mouth.

3 minutes? HA. FUCKING. HA.

TRY 20 FUCKING MINUTES.

That thing felt like it was sucking out my goddamn motherfucking soul. And I had to move it around and swizzle it and press down and I had to do all this before leaving my cabin before shift. My very life essence was drained into this obnoxious fucker.

(I actually had significant shoulder pain due to continuously trying to move it around while lying down. My joints are weird. This is not going to be an issue for most people.)

We had a messaging platform on the ship's intranet, which I used to declare that if anyone had swab tests and wanted to swap it for the spit lollipop, I was down for that. I now considered swabs to be the best possible option.

Nobody took me up on it. Everyone struggled to get enough spit.

On the last day, I had that "oral fluid" test, which involves hocking up a loogie and spitting into the funnel. This was less of a trial, to be honest, but given my dry mouth issues, it was still a pain in the arse to muster up the necessary quantities of saliva. Not as bad as the fucking saliva sponge.

I cannot imagine that sponge thing works well with little kids, not unless they are producing copious quantities of spit and snot and--

[pauses abruptly]

--okay, yes, I now recall that little kids are absolutely capable of just leaking from every available orifice (hopefully not the ears), so maybe they would have an easier time of it.

Anyways, TL;DR: the saliva sponge is vile. The oral fluid is okay.