*clears-throat* Every time I feel I somehow build or create friendship with people, I always hesitate. I realized having many friends is not my line. I don't know but I have instincts that engaging myself to many people will cause me a lot more trouble and I hate the feeling when I dismay other people especially those who became my friends because of my actions or inaction. *sighs*
The deal is, I always stay at home. Sometimes, no matter how life-and-death the situation is, I can't control my body who wants to stay put inside my room. I guess my spirit lives in the era where friendship doesn't mean you hangout everyday, do things together all the time, bounds each other with one another and the likes. It's not me and it's been very hard to change it, I was trying.
I am disappointed of myself on how I wasn't able to see my friends who are about to leave. I am disappointed because even though I didn't said I promised I would come, but it's still a subtle notion that I must appear on that day.
A short story about my family and me and my home-alone habit:
Every one knows, my family and my closest relatives, that I don't lure out of my room. They used to it. They know it's my safe haven, my most comfortable place, my nirvana that's why they don't need GPS to locate me, they'll just know I'm in my room anytime of the day.
Whenever Mom goes out, she always leaves my other siblings their money or you can say allowances even if it's not school days. Mom knows that they can't stand an hour at home. They always hangout with their friends. And me? Mom will just cook me food to survive the whole day alone at home and I love the way when she leaves the note or texts me while I'm asleep saying: "Make sure you lock the gate and the door whenever your brothers are out." Same story when she's going out of town, she wouldn't bother to ask me if I want to come with her, she'll just ask my other sibs.
*deep sighs* And now, it was unexpected that I belong to a lot of group of friends. I can't even believe that I joined more than one organization at school. I thought I was finally changing but, newsflash, I was not. :( It's the sad part of my social life. I have a lot of friends by I can't bear the obligations, the social responsibilities, in short, "showing up to them during my free time." It sadden me that some of my friends define friendship as "being there with you all the time." or "hanging-up with you during weekends" and the worst of all, that rule is the: "you must be exclusively for them, if they ever saw you having a great time with the others, friendship over."
For crying out loud! An hour spent outside home or things unrelated to school makes me feel so exhausted, unless if it's the things I love to do, my passion, but other than that, sorry to say but it makes me feel tired. But exclusivity covers those people I love to spend time with. But they are very minimal in number.
Unlike others, I value friendship more than GF-BF relationships. That's why in any good way possible, I keep my friends in minimum number, I don't make them many, just a few will do but I make sure they are the real ones, the trusted ones. :) That's why I was never been lucky in my first relationship, for some reasons, I guess there was a point when I chose my friends over whoever that person in my past is. hehe Friends for me are like the rarest diamonds found in the deepest crust. They are those friends who understands my weird habit of staying home. Even though I rarely show up in their birthdays, sad days, hangouts, and other days, they still love me the way I am. One bestfriend of mine told me this,(copied from an FB chat) she was one of my best friends, she said:
"Kahit wala ka noong bday ko, kahit hnd ka umattend nung thanksgiving ko at kahit di mo sinipot yung despidida ko, bestfriend parin kita! :-) Ikaw ung tao na pag anjan, ah basta! Mag kikita parin tayo at alam ko ikaw parin yung Mans na bff koo..."
that day, she was about to leave 'cause she's studying abroad. I was not there during her last day but she was the one who had the initiative to PM me in FB. I told her that she will always be one of my bffs and until now, even though we barely communicate with each other, we know we're BEASTfriends haha. (and I know you'll gonna read this somehow. Wag na mag like ha! Nahihiya pa ako xD ingat jan lage.)
(to be continued...)
