Wished life wasnt so isolating. Dont have the motivation to get up to eat and wanted to focus on practicing on art but somehow im extremely slow and its absurd how the wifi is ass. on and off. guess that what you get when you live in a broken house where nothing functions. worst part is i paid the bill of it recently.. christmas sucked. stayed at home. no gifts no holiday cheer. no cake. goodness. why hype me to want to celebrate all of this shit and eventually not give a shit after? christmas was lonely. talking to my kin was more like listening to her talk about whatever. half way toned her out i guess. when i try to bring up a topic she pushes it aside. might be mad i dont have the motivation to go lurk in the kitchen for two hours just for her to slowly cook or heat something up and worst part is it aint even good. mother dearest gave me the silent treatment for calling her stupid and impulsive in a more nicer way. whatever she wanted me to deal with was a pain and she was too busy listening to her even stupider friends. i did fling her phone on the bed... did leave for a bit to cool down but regardless she punished me for that. she ignored me on christmas. whatever she doesnt even see me more than twice or so a day and today tried to talk to me when i went to greet the cat. i ignored her and later like an hour or so ago she tried calling me twice on the phone. didnt pick up. almost texted my kin to answer her instead. later she went into my room and demanded me to eat. or she was gonna cancel work for me on the 30th. she actually thinks i would do anything for that fucking job. i loathe that fucking job. what did she expect me to do? yelling at me and threatening me with shallow threats was somehow supposed to work? absurd. told her to go bother her boring as fuck coworkers she loves to bring up in 97% of our conversations. she left and my precious kin texted me after saying she didnt want to know about my "pity" story. haha what a cruel bitch. i didnt intend to. she enjoys my company as a listening ear not for what i am. to be aware i have no one. my fucking issues will only get me to push anyone else who gets too close. what can i do if i long for friends but then i simply wish to disappear and avoid anyone new in my life. why cant i be a normal functioning adult? why am i me?
