#ragemonkey

I've just come home from an "emotional Intelligence" workshop. We did a very interesting activity that has made me very aware of certain intolerances I may have. Mainly towards stupid people. 

You try it - find someone to ask you the same question 7 times. Each time you answer it, try and stay calm and pleasant... even on the inside. That's right, you can't even think to yourself 'you fucking moron what the fuck don't you fucking understand about the 3 other explanations that I gave you that this one is going to help. Idiot." Try to get through all 7 rounds without getting irritated. I barely made it to 3 internally. By the 5th I was showing very unsubtle outward signs of rage. I am intolerant. I know this, it wasn't news. But just how quickly it happened was amazing - and how annoying I found it seemed.... excessive. I really wanted to strangle my partner in this exercise. In fact, I may have formed an irreversible opinion of her as a complete moron even though she was only doing what she was told.

But considering the amount of stupid things I do, it seems unjust that I should expect so much competence from others that I clearly don't have myself.

I feel very self aware at the moment, which makes me hypercritical of myself and probably others. Tonight was about learning to remain in control of your emotional reactions to others and influencing their reactions to you. We were asked to write a list of pet hates - little things that irritate you or set you on edge. I found myself writing a very long and irrational list of petty traits that was basically a reflection of just how intolerant I am. Seriously - here is part of the list:

- people who patronise me

- bad grammar and spelling (this is almost a physical pain for me)

- people who sit on my desk (I eat my lunch there - it's a hygiene thing)

- close talkers

- slow walkers

- hipsters

- baby talk

- excessive PDA

- idealistic uni students

- Strangers who feel the need to make unnecessary and awkward conversation (lifts and bus stops should be like libraries)

- People who seem to enjoy playing the state the obvious game (gee it's dark - no fucking shit dumbass, it's night time.)

- people who put their fruit peel in my bin at the office, or leave it where I can see it. (This has almost caused me to have an anxiety attack - I think I may actually have a proper problem)

- professional incompetence (you get paid to do a job, how about you have a crack at doing it properly? Moron)

And the list goes on. I felt a certain glee at writing it all down, everything that annoyed me. But then the more I wrote, the more I realised that all of the things on the list are robbing me of calm and happiness - I was giving away my joy to these oblivious asshats... they don't know that they have annoyed me, they don't know or care that I am seething away at them on the inside. They continue along their life path blissfully unaware that they have even had an effect on me. Why would I give up a good mood for something so tiny. 

I need to start to forgive stupidity, demand less perfection and accept others for the annoying, complicated and messy human that they are. After all, I am one of those annoying, complicated and messy humans too. I want to try to embrace the flaws in others, rather than judge them for it - why hold others to a standard I could never hope to maintain myself? I don't have the power to change other people, but I can choose my reaction to them. I can choose to not be bothered, I can choose to remain calm. I can choose the accept them - warts and all. I can choose to change myself and be tolerant and keep hold of my happiness.

Sometimes, this feels like a lonely journey I am on. My Friday night brought me, once again, to the box for a WOD, instead of the pub for a wine. Sometimes I miss the fun of a drunk night out with my mates - but now I can't help but think of the consequences in terms other than a hang over.

If I go out and get smashface, not only do I consume extra calories in the alcohol and crap food that gets served, but I am also missing a work out. And because I will be hung over the next day, I miss another WOD in the morning. So instead of taking 2 steps forward, I take 2 back which leaves me 4 steps back from where I could be. It's a sacrifice that I am learning to make, but when I am in the kind of mood I have been in this week, it's a hard decision to make. Cos damn I could do with a drink tonight!

I don't know what has been up with me this week, but I feel... meh. Kind of sad, introverted and quiet. You know when you just want to stay in bed, not talk to anyone, watch the best of welcomehomeblog.com and cry your eyes out?

No? Just me then.

I know the cause - losing weight is messing with my hormones, they are actually starting to function normally and it's like going through puberty for a second time. I am all over the place - up one day and down the next, irrationally angry and sad. And I hate it, I hate feeling like I am at the mercy of a chemical in my bloodstream. In my head I am trying so hard to over come the desire to stab people in the face, or put sand in there eyes and rub their eyelids up and down. I am trying so hard to continue functioning as a rational human being, but I all I feel like doing is throw a tantrum, kick and scream and carry on, slam doors and throw plates at walls. And it makes me hate myself - I feel frumpy, like I've made no progress, lethargic and unmotivated. The only thing that got me out of bed on time this morning was a bladder threatening to burst if I didn't. The fact that I made it to the gym is akin to a miracle.

I am just frustrated - there is nothing so wrong in my life that I should feel this miserable. I didn't have a bad day, or even a particularly bad week. I trained, ran in the morning, ate well, slept well, had dinner with my friends, power snatched a new PB at 40kg this evening - and still my stupid bitch ass whiny hormones are making me want to cry. That's not fair. I feel like the most pathetic girly mess. I pride myself on not being this type of chick: you know the PMSing psychobipolarbitchformhell. I am stronger than the sum of my chemical composition, and I am trying to not take this out on anyone... but seriously, if I have to put up with this shit every month, there is a distinct possibility I may reach up my nose and yank out my hypothalamus. I'm sure you don't really need it.

I guess I am just going to have to exercise some patience. With myself while my body tries to find a more natural rhythm, and with everyone else on the planet, who this week seem to have some to a consensus that they are all going to try their darnedest to annoy the living shit out of me.

DEEP BREATH.

Repeat.

Fuck it. I'm going to bed.

Paleo Day 7:

Breakfast - Breakfast slice. Still delicious.

Morning tea - Beef Jerky. Hom nom nom. Massive jerky addict right here.

Lunch - Grilled chicken and Mediterranean vegetable stack, salad (greens, tomato, capsicum, carrot, mushrooms)

Post Wod - 2 scoops protein powder, 1/2 scoop raw cacao, 8 oz unsweetened almond milk

Dinner - cold roast chicken breast, carrot sticks and capsicum.