#ra threads

if he knew it was patti’s pen , he would have left it where it sat against the stones . things had been tense with them for a while . long before his life dissolved into disaster . but he didn’t know what soren told them . what had rumors had been spread . and he didn’t care to find out . head down , feet turning around whenever they saw them in his direction . it was too late now . there was no turning back without coming off cowardly . except , he was a coward when it came to them . memories flashing through his brain , filling his head with synthetic endorphins . that was last thing he needed right now . “ you ought to be more careful with your things . we’re at school . act like it . “ harsh words . easier to opt for a scolding than to relive old memories . easier to use anger to put distance between them .

a soccer ball flying at him , a deflection and someone else hit instead . he’d been unable to return it to its owner — he’d been a hockey player , not a soccer star . he jogged up to where the ball landed and tossed it back to the players before sheepishly smiling at the person he hit . “ so sorry about that . i don’t have much coordination . “ mouth parted slightly as he recognized him . expression instantly changing for a look of embarrassment to one of fear . “ look , man , i promise it was an accident . really , i didn’t even know it was you . i would have let it hit me if i did . “ anxiety clawed at pulse his pulse in his throat as he swallowed against it . it looked like a coordinated attack . it was the last thing he needed right now . argument after argument after argument . he couldn’t stand it anymore .  his words were the best white flag he could wave . roman was used to setting bombs , not diffusing them .

“ hey , uh , “ he waved her over from where she sat across the desk . “ can you check this out for me ? make sure everything looks proportional . think i’m going cross eyed after staring at the screen too long . “ it was unusual — double checking , triple checking his work before he had to turn it in . typically , he’d submit the project and run . enjoying the lifestyle of the place much more than the work required . his class was a simple task — they had to make a fish in illustrator . but it had to be infused with his own personality while testing his ability to grasp basic concepts . he didn’t trust himself , nervous he’d fail something so simple after so many years . so he wanted a second opinion , an honest a opinion . best handed out by a stranger . someone with nothing to gain or lose .

“ okay , so , “ eyes scanned the sentences in the book , yellow highlighter gripped loosely in his hand , tapping against the spine of the novel . some silly assignment for an extracurricular activity of all things . if he knew it required this much time , he would have never signed up for book club . langston students paired with ones from palladian to break down barriers or whatever lame excuse their supervisor had said . he was hoping to get away with doing nothing , letting her put their discussion together , but junie held him accountable . “ um … “ filler words used liberally to give him the time he needed . “ well the eyes represent them being watched by the government . we can talk about how they had that sign but we have , uh , smartphones watching us and listening . or how they say tiktok is examining our background to customize our for you pages . “ 

“ hey , “ he said , his hand lifted in a microscopic wave before moving to the back of his neck , still damp from the shower he just took . “ sorry i let maeve sleep over the other day without asking you first . it , uh , won’t happen again . “ probably ever . not with her , but with anyone . he was all alone now . alone with no one to keep him company except for kit . “ i’m trying to keep quiet and not disturb you . it was late and she had nowhere else to go . i hope i didn’t interrupt your sleep or ruin you day . “ strange but sincere words to leave his lips . considerate was never a word people would bring up when talking about him . he was loud and rash and selfish . staying up all night , keeping the lights on , holding an open door policy and letting people go in and out as they pleased . but now , his side of the room looked barren , his towel hanging over the bed frame and his single picture noted his presence in their room . he figured he’d given kit enough grief during their time at school together — he didn’t want to make things worse . 

hands brought to his eyes , rubbing over and over , certain it was a vision or a ghost from his past . perhaps it was a sign . even better , perhaps it was his light at the end of the tunnel . perfect . she was the most rigid , uptight person he'd ever met . if you erased the late nights . but that wasn't very hard to do . steps carried him over to her , propelled forward , faster than the speed of life . she was a glimmer of hope in the darkness that had encompassed his life . " hey , delia . how have you been ? did you finish your internship ? didn't see much of you once you went back to california and all . going to langston now ? " shrugged his shoulders , the strap of his backpack moving closer to his next . chatty . a word hardly ever associated with roman alexandre . but he didn't know where they left things . hence the questions , trying to appear interested . get on her good side . a silent plea for help .

“ do you , uh , need anything ? “ tense and nervous . he didn’t host much . and certainly not in the past few months . he wasn’t sure what to do as he leaned awkwardly against the bed frame .

regardless , he would help her if she asked . he shouldered the blame for where destiny had placed them , and he couldn’t take out his shortcomings on her . none of it was her fault at all .