#quinnflames

he’s never been too good at this supportive friend stuff   ,   as he’s perhaps the least sensitive person on this whole damn ship. ironic he knows   ,   considering the position he holds as the leading medical officer. yeah   ,   well   ,   you wouldn’t be a barrel of sunshine either if one only saw the things bones witnesses on a day to day basis   ,   his fear of being out in the middle of space not at all helping to quell his mounting anxieties   &   stress. he may be difficult to approach at times   ,   but there were a few people he’s allowed in his small social circle   ,   &   it was those people whom he trusted more than anything   ,   allowing his gruffness to fade away a bit in their presence   ,   shoulders relaxing as he partakes in idle chatter   (   which he usually despises   )   &   a good   ,   solid drink. alice quinn was one of two people on this whole damn ship whom he’d trust with his whole life   ,   the woman a damn genius when it came to just about everything she set her mind to. how she isn’t the captain of the enterprise never ceases to amaze him   ,   a secret he will keep away from jim   &   carry to his damn grave. last thing he needs to know is his less than loyal thoughts. jim wasn’t by any means a bad captain   ------   in fact   ,   he’s really grown into the position as they venture further into their five year voyage   ,   becoming much more responsible   &   head strong as time passes. still   ,   alice deserved a damn ship of her own   &   she’s worked like hell to get to where she is today. it makes him feel pretty bad to see such a strong woman so down on herself   ,   despite knowing how common of a feeling it is to have from  time to time. a sigh escapes him as he stares deep into the bottom of his now empty glass   ,   wishing he had more of that damn whiskey that chekov had hidden in his locker. how in the hell did that kid managed to get such good stuff   ?

❝   now you know i’m not good at motivational speakin’   ,   but don’t take offense when i tell you ya gotta buck up   &   move forward. don’t let this feeling completely own you.   ❞   the doctor’s hand reaches over to pat the top of alice’s in both a gentle   &   awkward manner   ,   again not the best when it came to cheering up those he cares about   ,   but he’s trying his damnedest   ,   &   that’s gotta count for something.   ❝   you can do this   &   you will   ------   i know you will. you’re more headstrong than a bull at a rodeo. nothing will stand in the way of what you want   &   you’ll ram the hell out of any sorry saps that get in your way. i’ve seen you angry   ,   quinn. i ain’t gonna be getting on your bad side anytime soon   ,   trust me.   ❞   ghost of a smile spreads across his cheeks   ,   feeling just a touch more confident as he continues his endeavors to cheer her up   ,   other hand reaching over to grab the bottle of whiskey they were sharing   ,   pouring a bit into her glass before serving himself.   ❝   you’re a powerhouse of a woman   &   i know one day you’ll be known as more than just a crew member of the enterprise. this ship is jim’s baby   ,   but one day you’ll have your own ship with a damn fine crew to boot   ,   &   you’ll come back from your own five year voyage with tons of notes   &   discoveries   ,   not to mention a couple of adventures under your belt too.   ❞   in mock toast   ,   the doctor clinks his glass against alice’s   ,   raising it up with a wink   &   a friendly smile   ,   a rare sight to behold.   ❝   to your future career as a captain. may you get everything you deserve   ------   a good ship   ,   an amazing crew   ,   &   lord   ,   i hope to hell you find me tolerable enough company to bring me along onto your baby when the time comes.   ❞   his smile only blooms wider   ,   eyes almost twinkling under the bright lights.   ❝   no one else understands the importance of having a good drink every once in a while. be a shame if i didn’t have someone to share a bottle with once you’re all high   &   mighty.   ❞

the palace is not a place favourable for anybody      ,     least of all someone entirely unaccustomed to the workings and goings of the royal family      ,     least of all someone who has better things to do than sit in one meeting after another with begrudging advisers .   the palace is a cage      ,     beautifully sculpted and a wide and gilded stage      ,     but a cage nonetheless and it would always try to keep the ones hostage that would need and dare to break out of its confines the most .    he has never warmed to the place that he was supposed to call home     (      his home is the sea .   his home is dead and buried at the border    )      ,      every room tainted with a frigid air and raging cold that he couldn’t shake if he tried even after years of being away from all of it .    stepping back onto those floors      ,       those carpets       ,     into the arms of those walls     ,     does not change any of this or makes him feel less like a misplaced thing here .   it makes him feel just as alone as he used to be in his youth     ,     when his mother only needed him for a round of laughter and some light afternoon entertainment and neither his brother nor father looked at him much .   it makes him feel isolated      -     when he feels like the only man in those grueling meetings understanding the weight of their incoming doom    /     painful worries for the immediate future of his country .   if no one else would worry     ,      he’d do it .   he’d worry himself sick     ,     he’d worry himself black and blue      ,     and as much as this country has beaten him down and torn him apart he would not let it sink into loneliness or darkness either .   he would see this through     ,     yes     ,     and if it would be the last thing he’d do .  

NAME: alice quinn

RINGTONE: solitaire by marina   &   the diamonds.

LAST TEXT RECEIVED:

[ 4 : 45 PM ➝ barry berkman ] : i disarmed you today. i’m ready to move on from the easy stuff.

LAST TEXT SENT:

[ 4 : 46 PM ➝ alice quinn ] : take it easy   ,   quinn. [ 4 : 46 PM ➝ alice quinn ] : you’re good   ,   okay  ?   i can admit that. [ 4 : 47 PM ➝ alice quinn ] : you still have a lot to learn. one step at a time. [ 4 : 48 PM ➝ alice quinn ] : but really   ,   your quick progress has been rad.

PICTURE: 

good question. the fact is that to stop the end of the world, or the end of his world, at any rate, he had to displace himself. there are all the nuances of it -- projecting yourself forward and backward into a suspended version of yourself, trying to pick a timeline both alike and different enough from the one you're running from, so on, so forth. there are more variables than most people want to deal with. the fact is that five is probably still a person, but only minimally. started with reginald giving them all numbers instead f names, tacking on the names like an afterthought in the same way that he built grace to raise his children for him.

magicians, as far as he can tell, are made more acutely powerful by pain. like everything circling around inside your skull makes you worse, and also makes you more likely to stick your hand into the bear trap that is the wellspring. not that he can say much about other people who do the same thing. he stuck his hand so far in the trap that it warped him back into a fucking thirteen year old child. it does feel like some kind of karmic justice for when he first jumped ahead, into a world broken, burnt and destroyed and  annihilated. where there was nothing, and trying to reach for whatever power sat inside of him felt less like a bear trap and more like nothing.

that was the funny thing. he could move short distances. he could probably hop across the whole ruined globe if he wanted to, but he could not force himself back in time. he was a canary in a coal mine with no one to communicate the danger to, an early-warning signal to a dead civilization. a monster in that regard. monsters communicate danger, don't they? in their existence, they bring terror, and the terror is always something else, something more base and essential than most people realize. there is something almost funny about that, when he thinks about it.

he tries not to. bad joke, and it's not going to make anyone else laugh.

❝ demon seems like a strong word, doesn't it? ❞ five peers at the whiskey in his glass. nothing special, but it does the job, which is that it makes everything feel a little less present. back when he first began dragging himself through the endless orange-red-brown haze of the apocalypse, destroyed building after destroyed building becoming his makeshift home, he began to stock up on various items. books. pens. pencils. wine. ❝ maybe it's accurate, though. you know, i've been told by some that whatever end of the world happened might have been from some other process. something outside of people's control. but i don't believe that for a second. it was sudden, intentional, and something that some people thought could be stopped. ❞

some people. the bodies of his own family, splayed in the dirt, crushed under piles of rubble.

❝ so, ❞ he says, as if the thought isn't rattling around in his skull, making five's hand tighten around his glass, ❝ a monster. a person who is a monster who is a demon. all the synonyms. equivalency, i guess. how can we escape any of this if we can't be something other than demons? monsters? either we... change the definition, i'd think, or we accept monstrousness as it is. don't ask me what the best option is. i'm still trying to figure that out for myself. ❞

the humor is falling flat, so he tips back the drink again. it's about the burn in the back of his throat. brakebills at least had the graciousness to give him his own room while he's there, so he can at least be away from all the wretched college students who give him looks.  if only they knew how much older he was than them, and the things he's seen. he thinks he likes alice in that way. they are both not what they seem. they are both, in some ways, probably used to being underestimated, and their stories are something extraordinary.

❝ no easy answers. then again, nothing important is easy to unravel. ❞ there is a book in his suitcase in his room that holds all the mathematics and all the theoreticals on how to travel back. he has everything except the most important thing, which is the execution. all he really has are empty words, which are worth less than nothing, and wasted time.