Finch and I have become best friends who are too inappropriate to be anything other than suspicious. I love them, they might be unable to love anyone.

We are very important to each other and that needs to be enough.

It is never enough.

Talking to Finch makes me happy. Being with them recharges me. I will never have enough time with them.

I spoke to them yesterday and it is still not enough. I don’t want to hover, but I am fighting to ask them how they are at all hours.

Cat: meow.

Dad: No, stop it.

Cat: me-meow.

Dad: time for bed.

Cat: meeeeeeee-wuh.

Dad: I don't care.

Cat: mew?

Dad: I didn't say it!

Cat: maaaaoooooooooooooo.

Dad: bloody bastard cat, fine! One!

Cat: bbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

So we had a quiz night at work. I am proud to say that I managed to not make a vaguely intimate moment with Crow awkward while I was doing his make up for the table outfits (he’s still adorable, but the poor bastard looked terrified through the whole experience).

Then Finch, my beloved Finch, who was on a different table to us, spent every single break in the quiz at our table, talking to me, Crow and Sonya. I cannot tell you how happy I am to see Crow and Finch bonding because they are two of my favourite people ever and they are *very* similar and I want them to be besties because they are also both useless loners but secret sweethearts and it brings me joy to see them both laughing.

Still very confused where Finch and I stand, lots of flirting, lots of inappropriate comments, occasional touches, lingering stares and laughing. But I’m emotionally constipated because I can’t trust anyone anymore, and they're *broken* broken and refuse to feel anything, sooooo….. they also look really good in glasses which is one more thing for me to process.

Brain: wha?

Carp: it's getting out of hand.

Brain: Nah!

Carp: you've been flirting with this idiot for two years and still nothing.

Brain: Bah!

Carp: they brag about getting hit on by other people.

Brain: Jah?

Carp: jealous? They're not trying to make me jealous, why would they?

Brain: ...Lah?

Carp: nope, they wouldn't. I know they're lonely but it's not me they want.

Brain: Cah!

Carp: we gotta stop this, bud. It hurts.

Brain: yah...sah?

I love them, and neither of us are well enough to cope with it.

I just want them around, and all they want is to be gone forever.

It hurts. So very much.

They are in pain and I can't help. Nothing I can do will help.