Avpd fr
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Avpd fr

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questioning having a disorder is so fucking hard because like do i actually have this disorder or is it just a manifestation of the other stuff thats wrong with me or is it some secret third thing where its a different disorder entirely that i didn't consider
Avoidant personality disorder and masking
My therapist has expressed his speculation of me having avpd. He’s said my behavior and inner thoughts sound a lot like avpd and common in pwavpd.
I used to force myself to socialize and be very very extroverted in order to get myself out of my quiet shell. It helps, a lot with my generalized and social anxiety. But I feel so distant from people.
I would like to have more close relationships and open up, but I just can’t . I’m deeply afraid of ridicule and being embarrassed. I’m constantly embarrassed. I’m naturally loud and sort of obnoxious but I don’t know if I can help it, and everytime I socialize it ends up in me feeling ridiculed and like a clown.
I push people away not because I don’t love or want to be close with them, I don’t think I’m shy, I’m just afraid .
Texting in theory: communication with friends! So fun! Memes! Talk talk talk! ❤️✨
Texting in practice: Oh god I don't have the energy to reply right now, I'm currently in Task Mode not Talk Mode so there is currently no battery allocated for socializing atm. Oh it's been too long, do they think I hate them? If I reply will I have to stay engaged in conversation for a few seconds? Half an hour? How long will this conversation be? When is it okay to step away and do something else? Will they think I hate them if I go too long without responding again? I don't hate them, I love them, I need to figure out how to do this. What tone did they intend this in? How do I ask what tone they meant without coming across as rude? How can I respond in a way that cannot possibly be construed as passive aggressive/rude/dismissive? I want to stay engaged with the task I'm doing, I don't want to go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. I really really enjoy it when I'm in the right "Mode" but each notification feels like an obligation. Why does this feel like a chore? I like talking to my friends, why doesn't it feel like talking to my friends? Why do I feel trapped? Why do I avoid people I love? Oftentimes I'm not even "doing" anything when I don't respond, I'm just in "non social" mode. Even if I know I'll enjoy talking once I get started every unopened message feels like a burden. I shouldn't see texts from people I love this way, I should be happy, they want to talk to me and they love me. Why can't I just be normal about this, why can't I stop avoiding every damn thing?
mmmyea feeling like this rn

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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💐 AVPD Sub-type flags! And description for types + flag color meanings. (I also made blinkies on a new post with these flags)
(description, left to right in both rows)
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1st: phobic avoidant - Features include strong fear of specific objects or situations, and may also present with dependent traits like passivity and clinginess. #979034 : anxious, overthinking, emotional tension, hypervigilance, feeling of sickness from intense emotions of fear/anxiety.
#B6B381 : passivity rooted in insecurity, emotional avoidance, shutting down under stress, fear of conflict.
#C7C5AA : numbness after emotional overload, resigned sadness, feeling unworthy of love, quiet self-doubt.
#A97A70 : emotional exhaustion, melancholy, insecurity, vulnerability.
#983A33 : longing for closeness, emotional clinginess that comes from wanting to feel safe, vulnerability mixed with shame.
#98376A : insecurity in relationships, self-doubt.
queationing avpd culture is am i actually not avoidant or is my ability to do these things like socialize just due to the fact i've basically had to mask my whole life and get told to suck it up, even if after every interaction i am petrified that i did it Wrong and they hate me now.
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All I do in therapy is play cards. I don't tell my therapist anything, even though she's made me feel the safest out of anyone, because I never get asked the right questions. I need questions. I can't just talk. I feel like I'm wasting my time. Even when she does ask specific questions, I don't know how to answer them, and she takes my hesitation as resistance and drops the subject.