#quest-for-eunoia

I feel like everything stable in my life has crumbled. For years now, I have split my life between two states. I think I have split my life for too long, because now I just feel like a visitor in both places. I feel ungrounded and unrooted. As someone that holds home and security very close to their hearts and well-being, losing both at the same time has been extremely rough. So many changes and losses of plans in such a short amount of time has left me paralyzed. It feels like I haven’t had anything to say. That it all has been so big that I couldn’t find words to wrap it up neatly and put it away. It feels like I am trying to glue together the shattered eggshell pieces of my life, and that structure can’t support any extra weight. For months now, I have tried to become more positive. But it is difficult when so much is going wrong. It is even more difficult when people complain to me about their lives and problems. Or they don’t understand me. Or won’t listen to me. I can’t take it right now, I don't have the energy to pretend, and so I have stopped talking to some people, as good as their intentions have been. I don’t think I have the right to tell people this, even if it was somehow polite, because I also want a listening and understanding ear. Everyone does. I just am trying to not let things get to me, and just focus on blocking out what I don’t need to move forward. 

I think that I am an honest person. I think that I care about the feelings of my friends and those around me. I am trying to learn how to balance these two things. I want to be authentic to myself by not shoving down my thoughts and feelings anymore. But it seems so difficult when the truth, no matter how delicately put, will cause someone I care about to feel negatively. Then I will feel bad, and any positivity felt by being true and honest will be gone. However, I think it is a better alternative than building resentment or lying. I am also considering that maybe I shouldn’t feel bad about it. If I speak my truth in a kind way, maybe that is all I can do. Their insecurities are their own to deal with, and not something I would be trying to protect them from. I don’ t like to walk on eggshells, I just want to figure out how to not feel too badly about breaking them.