Thoughts can become fantastic so easily once you have such a revelation as "I'm unhappy." It's occurred to me that I have deep-rooted cognitive dissonance playing itself out in my actions and ideas. There is a real difference between what I see and what I believe, leaving about every one of my previous beliefs in question—nothing replacing them. I have a mind to revert to my high school fantasies; those other worlds where I wasn't human, where I left civilization, or where I knew what to do. To wander throughout the woods making do with what little knowledge I have, hopefully getting really lucky. To chase some dark god's disciple as an elven assassin in a very different place than our own earth, intent on preventing the Armageddon they plan to begin. Maybe it's an effort to make my circumstances undeniably clear, or maybe it's an effort to escape from the way things actually are. Of course this eases me in no way, and could be a path to insanity: my reality no longer makes sense, so I cease to live in it. I don't know. It sometimes seems I would prefer to lose my mind. But would that actually make my being worthwhile? Likely not. I figure my best chances are to write the insanity into verse, put verse to melody, melody to chord, and set chord to rhythm. Make music, and get the darkness out. I'm not sure at all that will "fix" the fantasies. But it's worked before to manage my affliction with poetry and instruments. It would probably help again. The trouble is what to do when I have no alternative but to face my mind. How is that manageable? Won't I end up right here, where I started?
