#quaranthoughts

naisip ko, we have to live through this virus na talaga. hindi pwede ba forever tayo na nakalockdown kasi kawawa talaga yung mga nasa mababang sector ng society. ang problema kasi yung mga possible infected persons ay hindi nattrace agad kaya kumakalat yung virus. kung nacocontain naman yung pag spread ng virus at natetest yung mga possible infected persons, mas hindi na siya kakalat kasi alam na agad kung sino — maaisolate na agad.

pero wala e, yung data pa lang ng DOH at LGUs hindi na accurate. paano natin masasabi na reliable ang mga numbers na pinapakita nila everyday. siguro yung ibang LGUs accurate kasi may mga city naman na maayos yung pamamalakad pero paano yung iba. maayos nga yung pamamalakad nung isa pero paano yung ibang tao na galing sa ibang lugar na pwede makainfect sa mga tao don.

Because I have to throw in some Survivor reference at some point, right?

Much like Survivor’s Edge of Extinction twist, the year sucked. And 7 months in, it still continues to be this supermassive black hole, sucking you in, eating you alive (not sure the metaphor works but whatever). Week after week when you think there’s no way it could get any worse, 2020 continues to outdo itself. I think it’s fair to compare it to living on the Edge of Extinction where you’re still very much alive but there’s this creeping stench of death that will consume you from within. You’re out of the game (of life for a while) but you still have a chance to get back. You’re thrown to this place of nothingness that could either make or break you; you don’t have a lot going on, you’re basically just waiting for your chance to get back to the game and while waiting for that shot, you’ll have to dig deep for a lot of your inner strength because the anxiety will inevitably deplete you the longer you wait. While this is probably the worst metaphor I can use about my favorite TV show and life, it’s the sad and exhausting truth.

I can whine all day but to put matters in perspective, here’s a quick recap of what has been happening in the country and the world the past couple of months: a volcanic eruption in January that killed the livelihood of hundreds of families and businesses, earthquakes, wildfire in Australia, the US-China trade war turning to be more sour than ever, and to top it all of, the coronavirus pandemic. I’m sure there’s still a lot I missed out but for 7 months, that’s a lot to take in. And to be quite honest, these catastrophic events only made the cultural and political divides more apparent than ever. It doesn’t help when The Powers That Be are more keen on protecting their own interests rather than actually helping proactively solve our problems. From closing a major broadcast network, arresting and killing journalists, jailing the Opposition, a mockery of our rights for freedom of speech masked as an “anti-terrorism” bill, accumulation of national debt (to be paid by our generation and the generations to come), selective justice as the government’s alliances are exempted from the law, friends becoming richer and more powerful cronies, rampant extra-judicial killings, propaganda machines hellbent on misleading the masses, a culture of fanaticism that’s become rabid and toxic, corruption, abuse of authority, lies... I mean, I could go on and on.

Man, that got political really quickly. I’m sorry but my frustration’s at an all time high it’s become more personal to me now.

As for me, plans were put on a halt. I came in declaring that 2020′s gonna be my best year yet, and that I plan on making the most out of it and that I’m gonna MAKE THINGS HAPPEN (and for once, I actually meant it; I mean come on, I now have a planner and a journal!). But the world spit right in my face. And I still feel grossed out. I had this plan laid out for 2020: I was gonna be taking responsibility for my life, holding myself accountable for everything I did, I’ll do and refuse to do. I was ready to take bigger leaps and was gonna stop procrastinating (finishing what I started!). And as cliché as this sounds, I really wanted this year to be about me really finding myself. But the curveballs got me. I got really entangled with the same old (and some really bad habits from the deeper pasts). Instead of making quarantine my bitch, I became its bitch by getting caught up with bingeing TV and movies more than I probably should, eating more than I probably should (WHAT HAPPENED TO THE NEW AND SEXIER YOU IN 2020 BROTHER) and spending more than I probably should. I was even arguing with my family more than I probably should (totally embarrassing). I got in a huge fight with my dad about differences in political (and cultural) opinions and I decided to let my ego swallow me in entirety. We weren’t in speaking terms for about a month, in a really tiny house while we see each other 24/7 on quarantine. And then an intervention and a surprisingly refreshing meltdown (which I haven’t done in YEARS, in my defense lol). Old habits.

And the pandemic really took its toll on us financially too. Our incomes were significantly cut to the point that we have to move to a new place because we won’t be able to sustain this lifestyle. I personally have been really averse to change that the prospect of moving and having to start all over again overwhelmed me. And I hated the idea of losing our place because I really got emotionally attached to it - not just the house but the community and the memories too. I mean, the young community here made me feel a lot younger for the longest time (lol)! And the thought of losing that was a tough pill to swallow. So the past few months have been a slow burn, from setting up to sell the condo unit to having all these potential buyers viewing the house to also making all these ocular visits on potential places we’re gonna move to, all while going through all stages of grief. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. All down.

I had this weird thing going setting a Word of the Month when the year started. January was SEEDS and was about planting them which was an epic fail hence February’s word was RETRY (still was a huge clusterfuck by the way). March was VALUE, April was INTEGRITY, May was ENDURE, June was BREATHE. While I didn’t feel like I was able to really inhabit those words, I did have some moments like reaching my work quota in March and stayed true to a torturous 30-day financial detox (which is no easy feat!).

So July’s CHANGE. So  something’s got to change. As much as I want this year to be over already, I realized there’s still a few more months worth working on. Though easier said than done, I’ve got to let go of things I can’t control. Instead of waiting for the gyms to go operational again, maybe I should start watching my diet and doing home exercises for now. Instead of half-assing work, maybe I should really commit and see what happens. I’ve been trying to adapt to survive, but maybe the change is not just about surviving anymore. Maybe I need to thrive. We’re in this for the long haul (sadly) and reality’s hitting me: whether I change or not is completely up to me. Whether I survive, or thrive, or not, is completely up to me.

I'm starting to think she's a user, but I love her still.

"You don't have to convince others about who you are." 💓