I need space to think. My brother harasses be now for not listening to his requests. But you know what, that's ok bc he's entering puberty and life is confusing and difficult, especially living under this household. My mom attacks me for being ugly. My mom attacks me for being stupid. My mom attacks me for being an inadequate human being. My dad blames me for angering her for not being perfect enough. He blames me for asking for help after sitting there for 2 hours, listening to harsh words against my self worth. My best friend blames me for not spending enough time with her, being an inadequate friend, not listening enough and not dealing with her problems before mine, because clearly my silence means everything is going fine in my life and "I don't understand, I can never understand because everything in my life is perfect." THIS ALL FUCKING HURTS, ESPECIALLY WHEN SUMMED UP. but that's ok. I can rest at night knowing that at the very least (with the exception of being beautiful) I have strived to meet every one of those expectations. Regarding the beautiful part, I look presentable, which I think is an acceptable alternative. In light of all this, I must realize how lucky I am. I had two possible outcomes. One, to spiral into a deep cycle of depression or anxiety, or, to figure out a way to tolerate. I'm lucky because despite genetic odds, my draw came out that my brain chemistry spelled "resilient". Granted, I sincerely used to think I'd never live past the age of 12 , but here I am, still in unbelief, 7 years later. When shit things happen in my life, I wonder how I am this blessed. How have I survived this all, and how can I give others this luck too?
