#qed.

Robert Jordan/Brandon Sanderson, The Gathering Storm: Chapter 33 - A Conversation with the Dragon

Hipsters: talking about the existential being of coffee beans and fair trade organic caterpillars is lamebutt. Why are you wearing such ratty shoes? Perhaps you should get in on that TOMS fiasco....by that I mean perhaps you should get your sugar momma to buy a pair so you can get a pair free. And whats with your insanely skinny jeans??? Are you ever going to want to have offspring?? Just kidding. I'm just venting my anger that Jessica Alba, while with child, can still rock skinny jeans while parachute pants of the raver nature are my destiny.

Angry man on the computer: why must you push down on your keys so hard? What did they ever do to you? If you're angry, and need to express said emotions, perhaps you should utilize the excellent range of font and font sizes. And, if need be, CAPS LOCK THAT SHIT.

"Friends" catching up: we all know that real friends don't catch up at the coffee shop. Save us all the pain, and keep that 'ship (as in the unsinkable friendSHIP) limited to the Facebook.

The Skyper: I get it, I really do. Sometimes, when I'm in a far away land, I find myself in a coffee shop using their WeeFee (aka WiFi) to communicate with mis amigos and familiania back at home. But you know what I use? EARPHONES. Read 'em and weep 'em buddy. These instruments were invented millenniums ago to mitigate pissing everybody off. When you speak and are spoken to on your computer speakers you are re-creating the ghetto blaster a la 1992. Regulate yourself and plug that cord in.  

The other night whilst talking with my dear friend, Miss Smudge Wullymammoth, I came to a realization that the expression 'making mountains out of molehills' is merely the tip of the iceberg for women. I'm going to go ahead and postulate (bigwordwoah!) that the women of the world, more often then not, resort to pulling grandiose assumptions straight out of thin air and manifest an intricate tale involving the entire emotional spectrum of life.  Allow me to use some examples to further demonstrate what is clearly sung by Air Supply:

Situation 1:

Man texts a woman: Hey, I'm going to be late :(

Woman's translation: Why is he late? What is he doing? Where is he? Is he stuck in traffic? If he was stuck in traffic then he I hope there isn't a car accident...Did you know that 9 out of 10 car accidents happen when men are going to pick up women from dates? Wait....did he say he was going to get his car washed? Yeah, I think he meant he was going to get his car washed and he's sad that it's taking so long. But why is he getting his car washed? Did he spill something? What did he spill? He is probably cleaning up his cousin's ex-girlfriend's dog's burrito from a year ago. Yep.

Situation 2:

Man texts a woman: Hey, I'm going to be late ;p

Woman's translation: Oh my god, he's so cute. He's totes gonna make it up to me with butterflies and shooting stars! AW SO CUTE. I'm gonna go stalk him on Facebook until he arrives. (Please note that my personal translation would be something along the lines of this: Who the f-bomb winks and sticks their tongue out at the same time? VOMIT IN MY MOUTH, DIARRHEA IN MY PANTS.)

Situation 3:

Man: Hey.

Woman's translation: OHMYGODGODGOOOODDDDDDD he HATES me. What did I do? Do I smell? Did I forget to pluck my unibrow? Do I have a booger? Do I have peanut butter encrusted on my mouth from my toast this morning? Oh my god its because I have my period and he can totally tell that my uterus is 0.345 times its regular size.

Situation 4:

Man: Hey!