â Right Koemi. You know me too well.... â The leader muttered around the lump in her throat with a small frown. â Should I just.. take down a bottle of Soju before getting on stage or--- â Koemiâs look was immediately pretty telling of what she thought of that idea. Utter disapproval. â --- nevermind. Being drunk off my ass my debut showcase is not ... yeah not a good idea.âÂ
 Though my anxiety is saying it would be a great idea right about now.Â
Breaking away from Koemi she gave some excuse and held onto her bared middriff, not able to hear sounds for a moment or focus. Not able to see in front of her... not... not here.. Â
Â
â Youâve gotta be a singer with that voice. What are you doing out here- slinging guns...robbing folks? Youâre wasting all your talent.â She whispered while her fingertips continued to trace dainty patterns on the curves of their joined skin. A sigh. Another soft breath that fell - one - over- the - other. It was a hot day in 2009 when the streets seemed to be shimmering with steam and regrets. Â One that had her cheeks rosy, pretty face filled with venom and her father standing over her, looking down at her for showing a single shred of femininity. Â â Hey. Yoe. You in there bitch?â A set of snapping fingers entered her eye sight and she looked out and down to see the pool of blood growing, rising, the sight of Jaehwaâs lifeless eyes--Â
âWoah there-- hey--â His hands came out and grasped her arms as she bumped hard into him. Blinking out the visuals of the scene was not making it go away, and she could hear her heart beating. â Sorry... I... wasnât watching where I was going.â She said to whoever she had bumped into with furrowed brows as she scanned the hands holding her up from collapsing into an emotional mess. Slowly she looked up into Jeonkiâs face ( @93jeonk ) and forced herself to smile. â Oh hey-- look at the big baby. You decided to show up? â Â
  â Hey- what? Why would I miss it? Everyoneâs coming ! Itâs your big showcase. â  She nodded, as if suddenly grasping the concept of people actually supporting her music. People caring. Wow.Â
 Now that actually was a pretty huge concept to grasp. â Right,, speaking of which, itâs starting soon so I need to get backstage--â  The vocalist said retracting herself from his grasp with an apologetic smile. He nodded in understanding and gave a friendly salute. â Weâll catch up later then. Congratulations.âÂ
 Her grey eyes turned away quickly as she walked off, mentally trying to stir up something akin to calm. There was too much energy here, boiling up under her skin. She couldnât do this. There was no way-- no -- She could not do this. Her head felt like it had slipped into a cold bath, and her brain was in shock. Pinpricks of nervous tension plucked the hairs on her skin, she was going insane right there- on the inside. Why----??
She ducked into the nearest room and locked the door without thinking. Her shirt was pulled off and used to cover her face as she sobbed into the cloth, guttural noises of fear, pain and anguish mixing for a moment. Irrational anxiousness to stay off that stage, to keep her face hidden. In that moment she had lost track of time, staff were calling for her, walkies were crackling as they looked for her-- but she had lost it. Her mind was still.... drifting into the fears and the regrets and the  REASONS why she just didnât deserve to live in this moment. Her happiness had cost someone a life.Â
 Her dreams had been built upon the grave of a lover. She didnât...deserve...happiness...a failure...was all... she could ever....achieve.
Pulling her knees into her face she almost didnât hear her phone buzzing for the first few moments. But it pulled her out of her head for a moment to see that she was being face timed. Answering it without a thought she could already hear the voice before it came. â Hey Iâm going to be late to your thing but,, I thought i would call. You doing okay? â Yori nodded and wiped off her eyes as she looked at ( @bangyeong ) on her screen. â Yeah.. iâm just... nervous I guess. You know?âÂ
âYeah.â
Briefly she sighed and opened her twitter when she spotted the notifications blowing up. All these...faces and images and posts were popping up. Idols, actors, friends, even complete strangers were posting with excitement about her showcase. The outfits they were wearing- what songs they liked on her album-- biting into her lip she took a minute to scroll through only half listening to Chaeyeong who was giving her a pep talk.Â
âUnnie-â
âHm ? â Â
â Youâre going to be fine, okay?â
Biting into her bottom lip she looked at Chaeyeong and nodded.Â
â OKay. Iâll see you later? Iâve got to get on stage.âÂ
 But she kept looking through all the tweets she was tagged in. They were making her laugh, and smile-- even as she still cried a little bit. Fuck. Now her eyes would get all puffy. Her makeup needed a touch up. The doorknob suddenly rattled right then and she got up off the floor to open it. Immediately her face met with a whole row of flowers and the scent of liquor. â Minjun...? â She said slightly incredulous as the male came into view from behind the bouquet.  ( @woominjun ) seemed to wobble slightly but the lazy grin on her face made her crack up. â Eat shit dude, are you legit wasted? â Taking the flowers in one hand she used the other to hug him tightly, and kiss his smooth cheeks.  â Thanks. I was losing my shit back here and needed you. â Yori admitted to him but was cut off as Rubi poked her head in. ( @rcdlght96 )âs pretty young face came into view.Â
  â Hey, -- Oppa everyoneâs looking for you. Itâs time. â Chuckling she nodded and rubbed Rubiâs head with affection before putting the flowers down gently. â You guys get to your seats. The show is gonna start.. âÂ
 Â
 With a sigh she adjusted the outfit that Seohyun had brought her while looking in the mirror. The black wig on her head needed to be fixed a little bit. Quickly she left the room and headed through people milling about. Briefly she spotted ( @hvrlowe ) and waved to her. The team of makeup artists were working on her face so she couldnât do much but wave back. They would be performing their song together tonight.Â
( @kwnxareum )âs voice was the first thing she heard as she got to the back end of the stage. â .... I am literally about to catch my flight after this Iâm going to be so jetlagged-- â Yori was about to walk over when ( @yuyamuras ) appeared in front of her and held up a hand. â Hold on. You messed everything up.â He pursed his lips in clear disapproval before holding her still with one hand, and fixing her up. He even adjusted her wig with a little curse under her breath. â Chin up. Donât show weakness.â She raised a brow and nodded with a huge grin on her face. âRight, right, I wonât. Thank you Yuyaâ   He seemed satisfied with her answer and breezed away to handle the other performers.
â There you are unnie- â And there she was. A hand shot out to grab Yoriâs wrist, tugging her over to the rest of the group. They were all wearing âHOOTâ outfits in different colors, doing a special group stage for SNSD. Yori as Yuri , Ahreum as Taeywon, ( @mingyanx ) as Sunny, ( @98dajeong ) as Hyoyeon. The teamâs member playing the role of Jessica was Jamie ( @hahahyemi ) - who was currently snacking on something.  ( @ljaeun ) the pretty young girl that Yori still had to get to know better was playing the role of Yoona. Sooyoung  , Seohyun  and Tiffany  were  Daeun ( @soulxkde ) , Juniper ( @95vii ) , and Kimiko ( @kimoriz ) respectively. They were all gathered up, chatting about the TL and what was on it.Â
  â Do you think theyâre actually dating in secret?âÂ
  â THATS SO WILD WHY WOULD THEY?â
She smiled, putting both hands on her hips and joining in the circle of women.Â
 For most girl idols these days, there were a lot of women to look up too in the industry. Everyone knows training is hard. Itâs stressful, life consuming and sometimes dangerous for mental health. But in the practice room you can always hear the popular songs, you can always imagine youâre on stage singing them. It gives you hope, that if your sunbaeâs could make it through--- then so could you. For most girls the group that was heard the most as trainees was Sonyeo Shidae- a group that inspired a nation of girlâs to not give up on their dreams. It was only fitting that the girls of Doublekill, all from different groups and different concepts, come together to in a sense honor and celebrate the songs that had given them strengths and inspiration as trainees. Not to mention-- some of Yoriâs closest friends were members of the powerful girl group. In a sense that made it all the more special, when they all put their hands in and gave a cheer. The announcement was made and the nine of them went out onto the stage to give a good show. Â
 In that moment, Yori didnât think about her past anymore-- she stopped thinking about her failures and regrets. When she was part of Doublekill Entertainment, the girls around her gave her strength. They were all so talented and fierce, strong in their own ways, and beautiful. They had all been given strength by pop songs on a broken speaker, an encouraging word from a sunbae, a brief smile from an idol they admired-- they had been given strength. Now, they had the stage to return all that.
The crowd went nuts as they started off with a bang, performing â Hootâ for everyone. They did a few more songs together, before all the girls gathered around to give Yori a group hug, encouragement with their hands and left the stage to her.  Somehow she found the words to thank everyone for coming, excusing herself for the set and outfit changes. It was still all blurry for her, a rush of adrenaline from performing that the compliments fell on deaf ears as she just grinned aimlessly and settled down to shoot Seohyun a quick text.Â
 [ KKT . My Love Seo : ] You were watching, right?Â
 [ KkT. My Love Seo : ] What did Yuri say? Haha, I didnât fuck it up right?
 She chuckled quickly, locking her phone and leaned her head back as stylist teamed around to take off her wig, releasing her trademark silver locks. They had to be brushed and straightened, then made to shimmer before she could come back onto the stage. They had about five minutes to do this-- the tensions were high-- but she was oddly relaxed now. A knock or two and a head poked in.  â Hey noona-- hyung. We brought our gifts. â There they were suddenly. As her grey eyes lit up with warm interest, she was suddenly hit with nostalgia. You see- just as when youâre training you always have those sunbaes and songs to look up too for strength-- you also have the people you trained with.  Utopia members lined up at the doorway, giving a brief bow, seeming a bit out of place outside of their usual idol outfits. She rarely got to see them now...but these boys had been her everything for over six years. Hell, if she had been born the other gender, more than likely Utopia wouldâve been her debut group from how closely they had been together. Especially her twin and her look-alike, ( @cosmojnkyu ) who stepped in first with that shit eating grin. â This better not be another PPAP video for me or Iâll wring your neck Jinkies--- â The silver haired songstress muttered with a playfully fist raised up to the blonde male. They looked at each other for a moment, matching affection in both of their gazes as the playfully bumped fists. ( @sayitsian ) chimed in to give her some flowers, going along with Minjunâs set earlier. â You look really beautiful noonim--â He started to say just as a manager barged in to announce that they had No.More.Time.  Yori was rushed up, trussed up and being pushed down the hallway, but not before ( @i87cm ) grabbed her hand quickly. She stopped to look back, smiling instantly and giving him a hug. â Hans. Thanks for coming.âÂ
The usually quiet leader gave her a glance over and shrugged.Â
A moment of silence gathered as they walked together to the exit, and she peered at him with curiousity as soon as he spoke.
â Howâs the fish?â
â Oh, sheâs good. â  They were speaking on the goldfish he had gotten her a year ago. â She still needs her dad though. Donât forget you owe me child support!â  With a laugh she waved to Hans before she was being shoved off again, put on a raising platform as trumpets blared for Yori to get back onto the stage. Â
  â THE QUEEN.... HAS ARRIVED !!! â Was that the announcement being shouted? Dazed as roaring cheers met her ears she tried to focus on the sudden flashing light in her eyes, as one hand reached to her ear to adjust her mic. â Beauâ began to play, and while BM ( @biigmatthew ) was off preparing for his US Tour with K.A.R.D he couldnât come to do the rap for her stage. So... to probable surprise she had decided to rap his lines herself, gotten some advice from rappers she knew. It was well received and her dancers never made a mistake or missed a beat as the body rolled, twerked, and somersaulted across the stage. When the lights finally hit her at the high notes, she took wind of the adrenaline and reached her hands out to the crowd, only seeing the sea of smiles and hearing the roars of approval. V.I.P Section looked down at her too and she could almost make out the faces there... ( @keybums , @soohae , @mxskedliar  .. ) she tried to imagine that she saw @motsenmi ,@deeanfluenza or @yuromeo there too, but those seats were probably empty. No worries, they could always catch up another time. Once the first track was over she got to talking about her album and the inspirations, thanking those who helped work on it.
 Â
â This next song features @quotebang , itâs about waking up and giving yourself strength for the day. Like, with a cup of coffee you know. Sadly he wonât be here to perform it with me as heâs traveling to Japan, but Iâll do my best to try rapping for you guys. LETS GO ! â  The song âCappuccinoâ rolled through and she performed through that. About midway through the rap the song cut of abruptly. The whole entire stage went black, dark.Â
 There was no more sound. It was as if the lively arena that had been so heavily aroused into a single, partying organism had suddenly been cut off- death.
 What had happened?
Had someone made a mistake?
Did staff shut down the production?Â
Was there an emergency?
But the red lights on all the SBS MTV cameras were still flashing, the show was stills streaming and rolling. Angry comments were pouring in, confusion was high, people in the crowd began to feel uncomfortable.Â
Then it happened: Â A loud bang. It was a gun going off, and a pinpoint of green light appeared in the center of the stage. Smoke began to pour up from a raising platform in the center of the stage, and a female figure seemed to be lying as if dead on top of it.
 ( @ryjins ) body draped in a quite devastatingly sexy boyfriend tee, lay on her side with her mic giving out the softest and sultry vocals of her singing, beginning the shocking and surprising CREEP performance that nobody had expected. As smoke poured around her the lights began to build up again, giving her an ethereal glow for a moment as she moved and danced in a breathtaking way. Then she left the stage as Yori came back on in a similiar outfit except hers had leather pants, and one half of her shirt tucked in. She sang and danced with a few back up dancers and by now it became clear.
The âsecretâ artists on Yoriâs hidden track âGEMINIâ were actually Jin, Lu, and Koemi of Creep as all four of them appeared one by one in puffs of green, silver, gold and red smoke.  Once the song hit itâs edm/chillstep chorus everyone was cheering them on with the fanchants used at their showcase that year, as they performed the track flawlessly. Luâs ( @ahloisia  ) rap got the most attention that night, as well as @yuggxmâs extremely perfected high notes. Once the stage ended there was a huge call for an encore so CREEP gave one more performance of â NIGHTMARE â before taking a moment to thank everyone before Yori moved on to her next two songs. After that she had her stage with Harlowe,  the two of them dressed up as Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy as they covered a few songs before performing their track together. Afterwards she sang âALTISSIA CITYâ her english track that had been recorded in America.
Finally, the showcase was ending, and though all her nerves had been forgotten in the heat of the performances, she still had ONE more song. She still had those memories, and she still had to let out a few last notes.Â
 Trembling hands lifted her mic as she smiled out to the millions and millions of friends and fans who had come out here to support her tonight. The time was now 10 pm.  â Wow....WOW. â She started off, one hand rubbing the sweat on her brow. â I just.. have to ... say thank you... to all of you. For giving me support on coming solo after only three years since debut. This was not.. a small project to me and every song that I wrote and composed for this album was about a friend, or...just about a feeling in my heart. Some of you know that these feelings were directed to you, and others of you have no idea that a song on her was about you. But, there is one song that everyone should know was about the love of my life, who passed away on September 20th, 2009.âÂ
Staff came out bring out makeup wipes and a chair for her, along with a mic stand. She had planned this stage herself- the most important stage. In front of every single flashing light and camera streaming her- Yori began to wipe off all her makeup. She let her hair down completely, and took the jewels and bracelets off. Once her face was completely bare she looked out and lifted the mic up to give an awkward sounding laugh.Â
âOh? How does it look? Pretty? Well this is Me.â
With another chuckle from the audience she sat down in her chair and fixed her mic. â This next one is called 090920, a song about a girl who died, but made a dream live on in me. This is what I did with that dream, and this stage youâre all seeing is only possible, through her love that I never deserved.Â
 Jaehwa-ah...if youâre seeing me now... this is for you. I love you. âÂ
She didnât stop the tears coming down her cheeks as she sang with a smile. She poured herself into the song, her self hate mingling with doubts, and those could all be heard on her vocals. Giving herself up to the moment she was vulnerable under those cameras and lights, without makeup or shields. Her heart came out through her lyrics, and people could be seen in the blue toned lights over the seats, swaying along. When it ended there was a flash of white light and confetti came down. Cheers were coming up but she couldnât see them anymore, she couldnât hear them. Blurry vision from her streaming tears didnât stop her from sobbing into the mic, mingling the sound with another noise of joy that came a moment after.Â
  â Thank you... Thank you. Thank you. â Silver locks bobbed as she bowed over and over to each and every person, however it could be possible. It seemed like she was floating on a cloud as she headed back stage. Every single 2k member who had tweeted her, and all her friends that had come to support where backstage.
Some hugged her , and others kissed her cheeks, some even had tears in their eyes. The yin to her yang, Koemi was the last one she saw, and she enclosed her in the tightest grip that she could, pushing her cheek into the dark hair of her member. They didnât speak at all, and just held each other for a moment, and didnât move as Jin and Lu joined them, and all four of them held onto each other in a tight hug. This had not been an easy year for CREEP. They had all gained and lost so much. They had all suffered heartbreak, losses, and even death. They had lost a manager, a friend, and a member. But every song that did well, every member that achieved a goal, every moment in CREEP that became a trend, it lit them all up. Yori, who had always stood behind the others as the strongest, the most encouraging and sometimes authoritative leader. One who didnât like to talk about her feelings, who hated to be alone, had gone out alone for the first time, and opened her heart to millions of people. They were all feeling something in that moment as they laughed and wiped each others tears, before they gathered hands and bowed their heads. â CREEP until forever ladies. CREEP until forever. â Yori muttered out with a tight squeeze to the hands that she held.Â
 â We are one. We are going to be together, always. I promise that. âÂ
  â We still need a first win!â
  â This year weâre going to slay the charts, I promise.â
â Iâll work harder--â
And they all started laughing as they talked at once, arms linked, heading to the door.Â
Her mind was off of Jaehwa, and the anxiety was gone. She was okay, and she had done it-- and once she had just got through it she found that she was a lot less scared now. It was like a weight had been lifted finally and she was walking on air. The fans had all begun to leave the venue, some were still waiting to try and catch a glimpse of the idols leaving the building, especially some of the visitors from YG entertainment and SM entertainment. Flash bulbs were going off everywhere outside and it was absolute madness. It was also cold, but a bodyguard quickly placed a jacket over her shoulders as she was led into a limo , and her members led to another car. Fans screamed and tried to run for the door, paparazzi tried to ask her questions about her last song--- it was so loud and then just as she got into her seat the sound all became muffled when the door closed. She sighed and leaned her head back, the tension in her neck severe as she reached out a hand and softly grasped for the fingers of the woman beside her. Looking over she spotted ( @spvtnikâs ) telltale smile and answered it with a slow forming grin. Despite their exchanging looks like a pair of school girls, adolescence was only a glimmer behind the adult exhaustion written on both of their faces. But , as their chariot drove off into the night they both felt the moment that they had no concerns or responsibilities anymore. Work was done, playtime had started.
 âWell Ju-Hyun?â
 â Yes, Yeo-Ri?â
â Ready for a kick ass after party?â