Massive Public Works Project Initiated by American Corporations
In an unprecedented historical move, several major corporations have teamed up to offer American workers a much-needed balm for the economic recession that has held unemployment rates at or above 10% across the nation. General Electric CEO Jeffrey Immelt addressed the press this morning on behalf of the growing list of partner corporations.
“We have waited patiently for President Obama to create jobs, he has instead helped lower taxes as incentive for business to do so themselves. Well, today, I am proud to say we have delivered.”
The project, a massive, 1,000 foot tall reconstruction of the Great Pyramid of Giza, will see over 10 million American laborers employed for at least twenty-five years, the largest single works project since the construction of the original Great Pyramid, over 4500 years ago. The construction, hailed as “the Eighth Wonder of the World” by Times-Warner CEO Jeffrey Bewkes, begins July 4, 2011, in Dallas, Texas. Former President George W. Bush is expected to be on hand, as well as several likely GOP contenders, espying the ground breaking ceremony as the ideal location for announcing their candidacy. One of those contenders, former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty issued a statement earlier today. “None of this is going to be easy, but this is the United States of America. It takes extraordinary effort, extraordinary commitment, extraordinary strength [to build a massive pyramid].”
A model of the Six-Corporate Pyramid at Dallas, as built by Jeffrey Immelt in Minecraft.
The first phase of the plan will call upon Congress to pass sweeping new labor reform legislation. “We ask that congress not delay in passing the Freedom of Labor Negotiation Act of 2011 so that we can move forward on the hiring process without the meddling hands of labor unions and collective bargaining ruining everything for everyone,” added Wal-Mart Stores CEO Bill Simon. His own company expects to build a series of Supercenters along the 4500 square foot base of the pyramid. National retailers are reportedly bidding upon storefront locations within each of the six-hundred floors the pyramid will house.
Advocates of the program point out that the 10 million new hires, 99% of which will be laborers tasked with carving, carrying, and placing each of the sixty ton blocks, triples the number provided by Works Progress Administration of Franklin Delano Roosevelt in 1939. Koch industries Executive Vice President David Koch also issued a statement. “This is the answer America has been waiting for. This is the day that we turn a new page in labor relations and understand once and for all that big government cannot provide America with prosperity the way private industry can.” A major feature of the project is the “Green” use of labor, without the carbon pollution of industrial machinery. However, the “human energy” harnessed by, for example, several hundred workers pulling a stone slab along a series of wooden rails using only ropes, will not be without risk of injury. Koch Industries spent over $1 million lobbying the Texas legislature to rescind government oversight of the project. When asked if he is concerned that the AFL-CIO has reported estimates of as many as 1 million injuries due to a complete lack of OSHA regulation and compliance, Koch replied, “See there, you can’t even count on government to protect its own workers. Thank goodness the free market is there to sort this out.”
In order to spread job creation across the region, the stone will be harvested from a quarry outside of Athens, Georgia, and dragged to the building site in Dallas. As former Wasilla, AK, Mayor Sarah Palin stated to a throng of her devoted followers, "This is quintefficiently a Real Job for Real Americans living in Real America."
The House of Representatives is expected to pass the Freedom of Labor Negotiation Act of 2011 this week. The White House has issued no statement.
