#purposely

The Root of all Evil

pov the finalists of prythian's worst father awards ca 500 b.a. (before acotar)

aldwig, 14th high lord of spring (freak)

gawain II, 6th high lord of night (creep)

he he paolumu

if you’re that insistent, i won’t get garcello and xeno and carol and sunday and cyrix and—i just proved your point didn’t i?

ANYWAY! you want it to be a small event? i can vibe with that.

….more food for me.

i can bring the hot dogs.

just let me check if there are any hot dogs left that i did not eat.

all right i got a couple dozen dogs’ worth.

might head down the block to drop em off if you wanna be SUPER EXTRA PREPARED

—💣

Aldryx: Agoti can’t be here now since Solazar is fuming mad at him and I can’t help him. Interfering with Sol’s scoldings are awful and it could get both me and his asses whooped. Not fun. Even if I could, I won’t. I did tell him not to dig up the entire backyard.

Yeah, that’s too many people. Even if we wanted to have all those people, we can’t. Sol wouldn’t be pleased, and they definitely wouldn’t fit in out backyard.

More food for us then, that’s good.

Sol: *from the other room* AGOTI YOU IDIOT-

Aldryx: Sheesh, this house needs soundproof doors. Agoti wanted me to tell you more about the barbecue and stuff, but uh- *holds up 10-paged stack of notes*

I’m not gonna read all this. I did promise him, but I’m lazy, and an older sibling, and older siblings NEVER keep their promises.

- - - - -

"Chat! Are you seeing this chat?! The dough's cooking!"

George, voice dripping with excitement, shoves the camera to the oven window. He was in Florida right now, and -- being bored -- decided to stream. Since the last cooking stream garnered a huge audience, he thought that it'd be fine to do a part 2.

Honestly, what could go wrong —

"Huh, chat what do you mean it isn't called dough? 'Dough's for bread?' -- But that's. No. No. Chat, you're wrong. It's called cookie dough for a reason." (He's right.)

— it turns out, a lot could go wrong. Especially if the baker is one Mr. George "purposefully-causing-problems" Notfound.

The first few mistakes happen when George mixes in the dry ingredients with no sifting. He uses bread flour. He uses baking powder ("Because there's probably no difference, Chat, it'll be fine :]"). He foregoes the vanilla extract and forgets how many eggs he puts in ("Uh, did I put in -- you know what? Let's add one more egg to be sure. ... And maybe one more."). Mmm, nothing unforgivable, nothing too disastrous.

He mixes all of the ingredients and sets aside 3/4, as a spare, and leaves only little.

He decides to dye the bit of cookie batter green. He tries to at least. It came out vomit-colored, the clumped bits of undermixed flour not helping the image. He adds in the chocolate -- and for some reason, sour patches and everything else they had in the fridge. Peanut butter, cucumber, mayonnaise ("Should I add an apple, Chat? Yes? I probably should. Add in some crunch, you know?") -- genuinely everything.

Why is he doing this you ask?

Well, this batch he was making was to be given to one Mr. Dreamwastaken and he was not going to waste this opportunity.

He places the (somehow-still-undermixed) cookies -- there was only enough for 3 cookies the size of his palm with the bit of batter he used -- in the oven and waits.

God, they looked horrendous.

George loved the way they looked anyways.

Cheekily, he takes one and gives it to Dream. Off-camera of course. One whiff and Dream already knows that this. was. not. edible. By all means, he should've chucked it out the window but George's pleading eyes stopped him.

Hesitantly, he took a bite and -- woah. The regret crashed into him like the surging tides. He physically and mentally transcended past the five stages of grief.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!? GEORGE YOU - !"

Chat could hear his screams and his hurried footsteps to (assumedly) throw up whatever he just ate. That horrendous monstrosity of a cookie. George, satisfied, was howling. In tears even. Moments later, they could hear Dream cursing and screaming even more.

Chat would pity him if it wasn't so funny.

-fluff

WHAT THE HECK THIS IS SO CUTE AAAAAA