#purposefrompain

I've always been the type of person who wants answers, who wants to know, who wants to rationalize and make sense of the things happening to and around her. Just the other day, I sat down with two best friends in a Zoom call and confessed my biggest struggles over the past six months — wrestling with the unknown.⠀ ⠀ When the coronavirus became pressing in California and we were all given the #shelterinplace order, I struggled with knowing what the rest of the school year would look like. I struggled with the lack of answers, with the unsettling feeling in my stomach, and with the powerlessness I felt as everything changed around me. I struggled with stress and uncertainty. I struggled with wanting so desperately to control my situation and make sense of it. I struggled with the 'why.' ⠀ ⠀ And this wasn't just a 'me' problem. It was a problem each and every one of us was facing — why us, why now, why pain, why financial hardship, why death, why our loved ones, and why (it felt like) no solutions?⠀ ⠀ I will not attempt to give answers because I am human and sometimes there are none. I will not try to say pain is justified because that's never the case. We are not 'meant' to undergo pain — ⠀ ⠀ but that doesn't mean it can't give us purpose. That doesn't mean it can't light a fire under us to change, to do better, to love more fiercely after the loss.⠀ ⠀ Perhaps the greatest lesson in moments like this is not the 'why' but what we do after. Perhaps it is not about understanding how we got here, but what comes next. Perhaps we have learned in these painful months to awaken to the pain of others, to care deeply about our collective human experience, and to love without justification simply because we all need it right now.⠀ ⠀ I am trying my best to focus forward, to see circumstances as catalysts for change and growth. This doesn't mean our pain isn't valid, or that we were 'supposed' to go through something in order to heal. No. But pain can create purpose. And if nothing else, let's channel the grief into building who and what we will become. 💗⠀ ⠀ #purposefrompain⠀ #youarenotalone⠀ #marisadonnelly⠀ #strongertogether https://www.instagram.com/p/CCEHeM9FLTu/?igshid=744gxl5xlk1j

I go back and forth on whether I agree with the idea of ‘everything happens for a reason.’ On one hand, I completely agree. I think the way our lives play out is intentional, is a product of our circumstances, is a part of God’s plan. And yet, when people say that phrase, it seems to invalidate pain. It seems write off loss, death, and grief as 'meant to be.’ And I can’t stand behind that. ⠀ ⠀ So what does the phrase mean? These are my thoughts:⠀ ⠀ I’ve decided to accept that closed doors lead to open ones. That pain creates purpose. That falling down gives me the strength to rise again. That the moments where I feel the most broken will show me the power in myself, in my faith that I didn’t know I had until I reached that lowest point.⠀ ⠀ I’ve realized that accepting ‘everything happens for a reason’ is not the same as writing off or invalidating my pain, or the pain of others. It is not saying that someone’s ache, someone’s loss, someone’s experience with death was simply ‘meant to be,’ but instead says that God is here, even in those lowest points.⠀ ⠀ His plan was not for us to end up heartbroken, watching someone we love walk out on us. His plan was not for our friend to take her own life, for us to stand helplessly as cancer spreads through our mother’s body, or to listen to the same song on repeat, longing for a different life.⠀ ⠀ The pain is a product of the world we live in, not our God. And so, to believe that everything happens for a reason is not to say that God is not in control, but to trust that no matter what awful things we experience, He will not leave us to fight through the pain alone.⠀ ⠀ Even in the toughest moments, God is here.